And to Imagine That God Gave His Son Willingly 2-1-11

 And to imagine that God gave his son willingly. I've come to think God thought the birth of Jesus more tragic than His death for in death He came home. And home is where my sweet baby is today. Although my heart longs for him desperately, I would not truly wish him out of the arms of Jesus and back into this world of sin. "But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23  David speaking here has rejoined now with his precious son and one day we will rejoin with Jeffrey as well if we keep our faith in the Lord.

Resentment 2-5-11

I've heard a lot about people who get mad at their loved one who died, for leaving them behind. I can't imagine being angry at Jeffrey though. He was too young to have ever done anything worthy of anger...
I've had an awful day. I can't put my finger on what triggered it. Maybe going to town. Maybe coming home. But I found myself with so much pent up emotion and missing Jeffrey in an overwhelming way. So, I decided to watch the videos I have which allow me to both see him and have a good cry. It helped in a way. Then, I just needed to busy myself...to brood. So, I decided to go through all my pictures and sort them according to what albums they would eventually go in. So, I got something accomplished, but now I have just turned angry. The resentment I have is not for the one who died, but for the ones that are left. What makes everyone else so special? Why do they bother me with trivial things? Why do they think I care? Then I get more angry at myself for feeling that way. What kind of person does that make me? What kind of mother does that make me? Not a good one. Me, Sara Freitag, once self-described as a wife and a mother and couldn't be happier, now with anger and resentment towards my own kids.  I am a completely broken and worthless as a person. I just don't know what causes this. And, I don't know how to fix it. And not just them, but the whole world. How can it possibly keep spinning. It surely has a limp now...after something so precious has left it. How could it not? I know I sure do!

That all being vented, now I can say it is on most days that these same people and trivial things that get me through the day. It's only on my bad days that there is no sense to be made of the world. A tragedy so irrational apparently reaps irrational feelings. I just feel I don't even know which way is up.

How are you? 2-17-11

So, how are you?
Well, I avoided that question on purpose, but if you really want to know, not so good. I feel like all the chemical reactions that kinda shelter you from the initial blow of losing a child have worn off and now I am just stuck here trying to figure out what to do with the reality that is my life and trying to fight off depression. I know he is in a better place, I know Gods plans for me are better than ones I could write myself, I know I have three other beautiful children, but none of that seems to make this intense sadness go away. My emotions are pretty much sad, mad, or insane and I have to try to function like a normal person every day. How are you? : )

How many kids do you have?
Well, that depends. Do you want to know how many children live with me? Do you want to know how many living children I have?  Or do you want to know how many times I have been pregnant and where all those kids are now? I thought I had that question all figured out, but it still causes intense panic every time. I wish I could just wear a sign that either said "Don't ask me how many kids I have!" or "My son just died, how do you think I am?" Maybe I should just make up t-shirts that say "I'm not crazy, just grieving." I'm thinking they would go over well. Maybe I could market them through the funeral homes. : ) Ahhh, I feel better now!

Momories 4-20-11

It seems like an eternity since Jeffrey died. At times, it is even as if he was never here at all. Yet, the memory of that tragic day replays in my head often as if it were yesterday. I feel guilty and sad at my lack of memory. How quickly it has faded. The mind really is a funny thing. My short term memory is better than it was. I still find it impossible to read upside down. The letters all look like foreign shapes.
I do well from day to day with the occasional punch in the stomach catching me off guard, like when my friends are picking out their baby a new swimsuit and I am picking out Jeffrey a headstone, or the church doing a new directory, but I just am not ready to have a family picture taken without him. After all he is still part of our family.
I do enjoy talking about him and hope I don't bore people or cause them to feel too uncomfortable. Sometimes, I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere, between having lost a child and the closeness I've found with God, I feel like I alienate people or they are afraid to approach me. I am still just a person. Imperfect, vulnerable, just trying to make it through like everyone else.
But, I just can't let my pity party get started. As much as I like to think it does, the world doesn't revolve around me. It will go on with me or without me and what should I do with myself if I let it go on without me. More than 100 days have passed and God has brought much comfort and a huge slap of reality. I feel my age for the first time. Maybe even older.
In my Griefshare groups, I have felt sad when they talk of the things they have done "in memory" of their loved ones. Nothing seemed appropriate or tangible. Early on all I could think of was how I liked to go rake the leaves around his graveside. It is theraputic and allows me to feel like I am doing something for him. More recently, I have come up with a couple of things that I don't know that I could say are "in memory" of him, but have come out of how his death has changed me. The first is a monthly cookout at our house. This stems from the reality that we aren't promised tomorrow. We often say "Oh! We should get together soon!" Then we don't. This gives not only us a chance to visit with the people we love, but them to visit with eachother.

My Days Are Numbered 3-29-11

 

One of the biggest things I've had to overcome in Jeffrey's death is that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. I struggle with thinking I should have known he was sick or that I should have woken up during the night just sensing something was wrong because I am his mother. I drive myself crazy with the how's and why's. I have to continually remind myself that it was just his time. God had his days numbered even as he was being formed in my womb.


 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment
~ Hebrews 9:27
 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
 ~Ecclesiates 3:1-2
Remind me that my days are numbered.
~Psalm 39:4

Many people are shot and survive, then one dies. Many people go to sleep then wake up. Then one doesn't. Many people get in car wrecks and walk away. Then some don't. Many people become terminally ill, then some live. We praise God for the ones that lived though all odds were against them. Then we get angry at God when they die. Maybe it should be looked at not from my warped view of my one isolated event, but the big picture. If you take these collectively God is really showing off. He is screaming "Life and death are in my hands! I have shown that I could have saved him. It was his time." Either today is my day and I will be in heaven knowing the meaning of the verse "A good name is better than ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth" or it is not my day and Gods name be glorified that he has spared me and that I have more work to do here.
"Zig Ziglar says,"God knows the exact time that we will die. He knows when He's going to call us home. There's nothing you can do to extend your life span one tenth of a second." No death (or birth) is simply the result of circumstances, an accident or fate. This doesn't mean God wanted your loved one to die or is morally responsible for the death. It means the same God who loved you enough to die for you is in control. God's ways are too complex for us to understand." ~Your Journey From Mourning to Joy

Jeffrey's Mommy...

I take pride in decorating the cemetery. It is all business when I go there. I just want to make sure nothing is out of place. But on occasion, my feelings get the better of me and I just suddenly feel dizzy and can't really figure out what I am doing there. Still that "this can't be happening to me" feeling. For the first time tonight as I passed and thought of the straw laid over the top and considered why I put that there. (I guess because I am a creature of habit. There is security in that. And, I put it there last winter to keep the mud off of the wreath. But then when I saw it there, it just seemed so sweet and fitting like a manger. One babe in the hay gone to be with another. ) But, then tonight, I thought (foolishly) of it keeping him warm which led to panic thinking of him down there crying for me, cold and scared. I guess a child in death does actually quit needing his mother. But a mother until death never quits needing to be needed. That's one of the hardest parts. I did so much for him and now I am just useless, yet I have all this Jeffrey's mommy part of me that is so confused and just wants to be busy doing something for him.

Blue Christmas

As, I get out old Christmas bags, the cards attached are made out to "Jeffrey" or "Little Jeff". I wish I could fill them up with stuff, anything, everything that any two year old boy might imagine fun. Probably boxes and tape. =)
I miss not shopping for him. It hurts when I take the time to see the little Jeffrey things out there. It hurts that there are only 3 "12 days of Christmas" boxes under the tree instead of 4. One missing stocking. One less smiling baby boy throwing ornaments, taking the pans out of the cupboard, unwrapping as fast as I wrapped, playing and making messes. =)

I wonder what he would be able to say and do this year. I wonder how different he would look. How different we all would look...

There just isn't a reason for everything.

Candle lighting

Last Sunday I attended a candle lighting service in honor of Jeffrey. It was awkward, unpleasant, uncomfortable, yet well put together and healing. They had a tree and some silver ornaments that each parent who lost a child could write their child's name on and hang it. They had some nice music and a speaker from hospice, who knew he was at a loss for any possible thing he could say to any one of us. They had a time for the parents to come up and light a candle in honor of their child and say a few words if they wanted. And then some cookies and coffee and a time to write a message on some balloons which we then released. It was nice to be able to feel like I was doing something to include him in the holidays. I've been so busy, which makes it easier to get through, but in that quiet time of reflection, I realized I wasn't quite as "okay" as I thought I was when I first walked in. But, I had just read this and found it very fitting for my take on the evening. "Each time you lift a weight, you actually create a tear in the muscle. When your body repairs that tear, it makes you stronger. Over time your endurance increases and you can lift more weight. God has made us emotionally in much the same way."~ Holly Gerth

Unforgiveness

Yesterday morning, I was in the shower thinking about my sour attitude and the way I treat others and trying to figure out what my deal was. I started thinking about the women's conference I went to last weekend and all of the great advice they gave on how to be a more successful, likable, better person and how while they has such great ideas, I just couldn't seem to take the time to apply them to my life. Then I was frustrated at myself for my lack of self control and effort to be better. I began to pray asking what in the world was wrong with me and seemed to be answered with a flood of all the things I have going on. All of the things I do accomplish or make an effort to do. I am my own worst enemy. I put all of these weights on myself and I can only carry so many before I start dropping some. So I felt a little relieved and thought I need to spend some time figuring out which ones are worth carrying and which ones I need to lay down. And didn' think much more about it. Until....
We got to church and the preaching started. The message? Unforgiveness. Not so much towards others but towards ourselves. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks! I am still carrying sooooo much unforgiveness towards myself for Jeffrey dying. I, as his mother, should have been able to protect him. I should have picked up on something being wrong. I should have woken up immediately when he stopped breathing and gone to him and been able to save him. I should have never even put him to bed. I shouldn't have fed him certain foods. I should have not given him medicine. I should have had enough faith to pray hard enough to bring him back, like in all those Bible stories, instead of just panicking when I found him. I shouldn't have committed whatever sin caused this to be my path in life. I know on some level all of this is just lies straight from the pits of hell. But, then there's that part of me that believes it all and I stuff it down real deep so others won't see it and I lug it around.
In Christ there is forgiveness for all sins. And if He can forgive me. Who am I to hold my forgiveness above His and not forgive myself. So, another thing to work on. Hopefully, if I can drop the unforgiveness, lack of understanding and compassion I have put on myself, I will be more likely to extend forgiveness and have more understanding and compassion towards others.

~Forever Broken?

Destiny

Healing. Hope. Laughter.
These are the things that define my life. Yes, I've experienced pain; but through it all, I have gained more than I have lost. I write so that when you see this is true for me, you can believe it will also be true for you.         ~ Heather Gemmen Wilson

If we let it, our pain will create our destiny. The past couple of months I have been in a pretty dismal state of mind and pain has definitely been ruling my life. I've been angry with God. I've been neglecting my Bible and still have a hard time with prayer. I've felt like God is a million miles away and I was angry that he would leave me so wounded and fragile. I knew I wasn't putting my part into the relationship, but still felt He owed it to me to not leave me. Entitlement. A funny thing. We are owed nothing. Especially not of God. Yet, sometimes all the knowledge in the world can't make the pain make sense and in our minds we can rationalize about anything we want to. Finally, as I've started pressing harder towards God, I've felt Him come closer to me. I don't pretend to understand the ups and downs of life. I have no idea why He would allow my son to die. There are those who say , he needed him in heaven. I say God doesn't need anything. He could have created an identical boy in heaven and let me keep mine. I read this morning the beginnings of the apostles experiences with Jesus. He performed many miracles. Several where he raised the dead. He obviously regards human life here on earth to have done this so many times as well as healing sick and casting out demons. If we are truly better off in heaven, why would he allow some to stay?

Destiny. Each one is fulfilled in it's allotted time.

There's a picture I've been admiring for a while now. I first saw it through a store window while sitting in my car. From where I was sitting it looked exactly like Jeffrey playing in the floor at Jesus' feet. I had to go in and look closer. The little boy in the picture was actually Jesus. He was playing in the shop floor with 3 nails as Joseph was building something at his work bench. It paints a beautiful story and is titled "Destiny".
It is much easier for me to see that Jesus was meant for the purpose of dying on the cross from the time of a child. I guess it's because we hear the stories of his birth, death and resurrection over and over through our lives. We know the whole story. It's harder to believe there is a purpose to the madness of losing my son and that I have been molded for this experience since I myself was a child, or even harder to believe is that his purpose was fulfilled in 17 short months.

But I have a choice, to let my pain define my destiny or to stay humble and broken and allow God to use my pain to shape my destiny. The first would not require much effort on my part, but there would never be anything for me but bitterness and heartache. I've seen this now. The latter requires constant surrender and realization that I can't take another breath without God. But, prayerfully out of all of this pain Destiny will be properly fulfilled and there will be some purpose to the senselessness. For those of us that are still here, we still have a purpose. We can be lazy and bitter and miss it or pick up our cross and head painfully up the hill.

"We will probably all have a 'thorn in the flesh' that we may have a very hard time accepting or long for God to remove. Yet His loving answer may be, No, I will not take it away from you. But if you release it to Me, I will trade your weakness, for My strength, your hurt for My hope, your defeat for My victory, your rain for My redemption." ~ Holly Gerth

Here's me releasing it to Him.....again

Worn out, exhausted, resentful, angry

I'm worn out, exhausted, resentful, angry. It takes so much energy to push down all my feelings so that I can function from day to day. I can't just go around being sad and feeling sorry for myself. What earthly good could that ever do. But sometimes it is more than I can do to keep it all down deep. I love all of my family and friends. I love sitting on the couch with Jeff and the girls all around me. That's probably my most peaceful moment for me. Things are almost perfect. But, how I desperately long to go on to heaven to sit on the couch with Jesus, Jeff, the girls AND Jeffrey! It is just sometimes unbearable and I wish He would come back for us all today. I couldn't bear to leave them behind to suffer anymore than they all have, but if today could just be the day that He steps out on that cloud and sounds the trumpet to call us all home. I haven't been so angry as I've been lately. I am just so furious that my life is so turned upside down. I hate that I have to live every day without a key member of my family. There are so many losses on so many levels stemming from just that one. It is so senseless, so sad, so gruesome, so maddening. I don't in any way think I am the only one suffering and I know that every person carries their cross, but seriously. Life is just spinning out of control. There is no rational left. Nothing makes sense. Everything is questionable. Where is my ground? My head is barely afloat. Only due to my life preserver which is Christ. Somedays, I just don't know whether to hold on or just let go. My desire to hold on is held together by the ones I love, my desire to let go by just the same. Oh, Jeffrey! How did it go so wrong?

Packing Away Clothes

I packed away Jeffrey's clothes today. I became nervous a couple of weeks ago about bugs getting into them and eating holes in them, so I have wanted to get a tupperware container for them. I wanted it to be clear so I could still open the closet and see them there. I went and got one this morning. It was actually harder than I thought it would be. No tears, but I got a little light headed and woozy as the memories flooded my mind. I tried to be all business, but I couldn't help but see him there filling out his Spongebob pj's, his little socks and of course his red Christmas sweater as I pulled them out of the drawers and then his overalls and button up shirts that had been hanging in the closet. I don't know if the lid to that box will ever be opened again. Maybe I will get them out from time to time to smell them and hold them against my face to feel him close. I thought I'd get rid of the diapers too, but for now they are just going to have to wait. I don't know why there is a crazy part of me that thinks if I hold on hard enough he will come back.

Happy Birthday!

Dear Jeffrey,

Happy Birthday! I remember the day you were born pretty clearly. I remember everyone looking at first to make sure you were really a boy after 3 girls. How happy and proud we were of you! Watching you grow was fun. I always thought boys and girls would be essentially the same until they were 2 or 3, but you surprised me from the beginning with you manly qualities. I remember for your first pictures at 6 weeks the photographer saying how manly you looked to be so young. You would have driven the ladies wild!  Before you could speak, you could make truck sounds as you played. You would dutifully push Shelby around in her stroller like such a gentleman and brother. I remember your face as you learned to defend yourself against Shelby and how you would look to me sternly to see if I would back you up. And then there comes a void. A lapse in time. And I wonder who you would be today. I wonder what words you would say, maybe even sentences. Would you be stubborn about potty training or would you love to pee off the porch? Would you love to play with the other boys your age? Would you be gentle with them? Or would you be a bully? Maybe a little of both. I had always wanted you to be a Momma's boy. Although, I looked forward to watching you bond with your dad and learn to carry on the legacy he had to leave you. I looked forward (with some apprehension) to you playing football or what ever other sports you liked. I wondered if you would be big for your age or small. You seemed to have a good head start to being big. You were such a perfect healthy boy. So sweet. So funny. I miss you so much. We all do. I miss that you aren't here to grow with Shelby. She is so lonesome without you. We all are. I often still try to make her be quiet in the mornings so she won't wake you or wonder around thinking I have another kid to dress, feed, bathe, or otherwise attend to. I don't think I will ever get used to you being gone. I know you are safe and secure in Jesus' arms. I love to think of the day I get to join you. The thought of seeing Jesus waiting for me at the gate with you in his arms makes me cry with joy every time. I can't wait for that day! I love you Jeffrey! So much! I would love so much to hold you in my arms just one more time. I know it wouldn't be enough though. It would never be enough. Don't worry, by the time you turn around to see where I am, I will be there too! You will never even miss me. I will be there soon. Sending BIG hugs and kisses. Goodnight handsome!

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

I've struggled more lately with Why's than ever before. It makes no sense when I see and hear of children being severely neglected and abused, yet their parents get to keep them...then there's Jeffrey, torn away from a home where he was so loved and cherished. A beautiful friend shared a profound A W Tozer quote with me the other day as I was struggling. "When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety." It helped jerk me back to the only thing that makes sense. I think my recent struggles have been because I've lost sight of this great truth that I so desperately clung to in the beginning. It doesn't make the pain less, but it truly relieves the anxiety, the wondering, the Why's. And that is, it still doesn't matter why! God is sovereign! He is the great I Am! He is God! I have such limited knowledge here, I just can't see the big picture. But, I know I trust God. So, I must just sit and wait and endure. Fair? NO! Solomon who was the wisest man in the Bible counts everything as foolishness. Basically saying, life is not fair. There is no seeming rythym or sense to it at all.  "I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless--like chasing the wind. What is wrong cannot be made right. What is missing cannot be recovered." Ecclesiastes 1:14-15(written by Solomon) Certainly for me, what is missing cannot be recovered. I'm just stinkin' broken! Hopefully Solomon was also right when he said " Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." Ecclesiates 7:3 How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Atleast I should not go hungry in my lifetime. I have received the largest of elephants to feast on from here on out. In the end, I have to "Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked?" Ecclesiastes 7:13 Truly a wise man, that Solomon.

Dreams

I dreamed about Jeffrey last night. This is only the third or fourth time he has met me there. In my dream, I had just been out of town for a week and came to pick him up from the church nursery. (There is still that part of me that keeps waiting for it all to be a mistake.) He smiled when he saw me, but didn't really seem to know who I was. I picked him up and kissed his chubby little cheeks over and over and over. It was so real and so nice to feel his soft baby skin net to mine. I wonder if he has that soft baby skin in heaven. And I wonder almost daily if he will know me as his mother when I see him again. I know heaven is all about Jesus, the one who died to give me a way to get there, but surely he understands my longing for my little boy. Still, I feel guilty sometimes that my priorities seem to be messed up.



Heaven is the face of a little boy
With big blue eyes
Heaven is the place
Where he calls my name
Says, "Mommy, please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now

Heaven is the sound of him breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of him in my arms
Being there to keep him safe from harm while he dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with him gone
Heaven is the place where he takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little boy

~ Excerpted and altered from Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Forever wounded

I'm so worn down and drained from having this weight constantly looming over me. I just want to be a whole happy family again. Isn't the normal wear and tear of life enough without having to lose something so dear to my heart? Why does every decision I make have to be affected by this handicap I now have and whether or not it will worsen the wound. Oh, what I wouldn't do to have Jeffrey back, to have life right again. I can imagine what it is for a person to lose an arm or leg and have to learn to carry out daily tasks with it missing. I can imagine the pain, frustration, and anger that would invoke bursts of yelling. A very vital piece of my own self is gone, one there is no substitute for. That which does not kill you may make you stronger, but it will never make you whole again. I love you, Weffrey. I can't wait to hold you again. I wonder if it will be the same.

Still fuming

So, Jeff and I went to a funeral this week for the first time since Jeffrey died. Jeff learned the importance of attending funerals through losing Jeffrey. I had learned a few years earlier when my mom died. I was nervous to attend, but wanted to be supportive since he had asked me to go with him. I did not know the deceased person at all which took some pressure off. Still, I wasn't sure what emotions would be stirred up. The answer is bitterness. I became fiercely bitter again about how Jeffrey's funeral went. The funeral we attended painted a beautiful picture of a man who lived nearly 80 years. Leaving the funeral, I felt I almost knew him. Three different preachers each gave a eulogy. Each one was different and either personal or well researched. I helped plan my mother's and my grandfather's funerals and remember the preacher coming to my grandmother's after each death and asking her personal things about them so that he could incorporate them into the sermon. This was not done for Jeffrey. I know he didn't have 80 years of stories to repeat, but he was a real, live loved human being! There was plenty of room to paint a lovely picture of him so that people who didn't have the chance to know him could have left feeling as if they had in a way met him that day. The order of services was not even discussed with us! In my mind it was supposed to go video, eulogy(which I wish I would have written), video, sermon, video. Instead the service was rushed through in a nervous manner as if everyone had to be out of church at a certain time to take some life saving medicine.  I am also still fuming about the 3 slide shows that were to be played. Not a one of them was shown. I spent countless hours trying to plan what would be my chance to say good bye and nothing went as I pictured. I asked the preacher the day before if I should come to the church to make sure they would work and I was told if they were on DVDs they would work. I don't know whether their system was not compatible or the person working didn't know what they were doing but I was indignant! I felt I was cheated out of giving my son a proper farewell, a final party to somehow compensate for the many celebrations I will never share with him. Also, I asked for blue and white flowers with brown ribbon and was upset by the addition of yellow which I did not care for. I will say the funeral home person who took care of us (after we were thankfully switched to a different person) was a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate man for whom I am thankful. I am also thankful for the many friends and family who helped plan for the catastrophe. The lesson to be learned here is even if you think you will not have to plan a funeral for years to come, it is a good idea to take some time to think about how you would like it to go (flowers, music, preacher,venue,etc.), observe what you like and don't like at funerals you attend,  make some notes (because you will not remember in your time of grief), and make sure to boldly tell people exactly what you want, because contrary to what you think, they are not looking out for what matters to you!

Wounded dog syndrom

Last Sunday we went to Jeff's grandparents house for the first time since Christmas. I worked and prayed for weeks going into it that I would be able to face his family with grace and dignity. In the end, I was scared to death. What I was not prepared for at all was walking into the house for the first time without Jeffrey. As I entered the living room, I instantly saw him climbing up the stairs and running around the living room in his little red Christmas sweater. It was all I could do to keep from falling apart. I certainly didn't want to cry in front of everyone. The rest of the day I felt like a wounded dog, trying to stay to myself and just waiting for someone to get too close so I could snap at them. I've felt that way a lot lately. I experienced it again today as we went to my Mema's. As we've talked on the phone about the visit for weeks, each time she has said,  "It has been forever since I've seen y'all." Innocent enough, right? But it brings on my growl. What I hear is "you haven't visited me since Jeffrey died." It's like a stab in the heart. I know she doesn't at all mean it that way, but it's hurtful. Thankfully I heard that for the last time today shortly after we arrived at her house. She soon mentioned how quiet we all were. I don't thing it was on purpose, but it is hard for all of us to experience the "firsts". Even now, nearly six months later, the firsts still cut like the initial loss. With each one, it's like a huge neon sign flashes his name along with a slide show of memories. I know the memories should be thought of as happy, but they can also be haunting.
Another first this week was going to the dollar movies with the girls. The night he died, we had all six gone to see "True Grit". I never gave it a thought until we were about halfway there and the panic struck. I started thinking of other things we could go do for fun instead, but decided to "put on my big girl panties" and go. I made them sit low in the theater (we sat high that night) and I got through it easier than I thought I would. It all just sucks so badly. I just want him back! I find myself yelling out loud at times when the reality hits hard, often towards the end of the hallway after passing all of his pictures and nearing his room. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm going crazy. Often, I erupt in anger just like the wounded dog being poked at or spectated.
Seeing people that haven't been here through this process is like meeting strangers. They are the same, only awkward not knowing what to say or do, but I am forever changed. Jeff and i used to joke about how we were the only "normal" people. I could certainly never use the word normal to describe myself again. Some of the changed in myself have been good but many have just left me wounded. Some may say we have lost a child and survived. I would say we will spend the rest of our lives surviving. I am so thankful for my support group of friends and family that have been here from the beginning and some added along the way. It is so comforting to come back home to them and know that they are available anytime I need them. They are comfortable talking about Jeffrey, but also can treat me like a normal person. I love you guys! I couldn't ever thank you enough!

Mother's Day 2011

 Well, I wasn't sure how today would be. I had prepared myself and thought I was gonna lick it, but it was a rough day! Especially starting out. Jeff left at 8:30 this morning to go to Las Vegas for 5 days. I fought back the tears until I got a text from him just saying how he loved me and missed me when we were on the way to church. Emily read it to me and I just started bawling and didn't stop until about half way through the preaching.

We aren't really close to anyone at our church but one dear lady did notice me crying and Jeff not there and sat with me. Another lady came and asked if she could pray with me, so several ladies prayed over me at the altar. It was nice.. and a bit weird. I was thankful. It was the first time anyone has offered to pray with us since Jeffrey has died, although I know they have been praying for us individually. But, I hate to be the center of attention and I hate for people to think I am just sitting around having a pity party for myself. I don't sit around thinking sad things or feeling sorry for myself, but the past few weeks I have had a new surge of emotion. Usually, nothing will even be going through my head or I could even be listening to something happy and I just start bawling. It disturbs me more because I have never been a crier!  I guess it is just all part of it.

 Then I felt guilty about being so distraught because I do have 3 beautiful reasons to celebrate Mother's Day still here with me. Ashley especially tried so hard to make it a good day for me. Bless their hearts! They just didn't know what to do with me crying and I just couldn't get ahold of myself. Here Jeff's gone and I'm supposed to be taking care of them and they are having to take care of me instead! Just when I think I'm doing so good. I just have to remember the truth is I can't handle this at all! I have to just rest in His arms a little longer and wait to be delivered from this mess! I will say although I have still been reading my Bible daily, I haven't been reading as long and I think that has made a difference!

The day did get better after I finally drained my tear bucket. We ran a couple of errands (one to exchange pants for Jeff which didn't help me missin him any!) and came home and watched a movie on Netflix while we ate lunch. Then Shelby and I shoveled some dirt in some trash bags and took it to the cemetery with our rakes and shovels and grass seed to try to make Jeffrey's spot look nicer. Not much of anything will grow in that silly red clay! As I was digging some of it out to replace with dirt, I imagined the cops showing up after someone calling to report me out there digging him up! I'm happy to say the people that go to church down there on Sunday nights and the neighbors are good at minding their own business. =) It looks nicer just with real dirt instead of the clay and hopefully the grass seed will come up. We came home and gave Emily a haircut, Ashley and Emily helped me clean Shelby's room, and after I got her to bed, I helped the big girls clean their room.

So now at the end of the day, I can say it has been very profitable and also that I hope tears don't come in like breast milk with supply and demand because I'm looking for a tear free day tomorrow!

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I have found myself right back in the midst of being weepy and having angry outbursts. I can't even say where they have come from. I can't even verbalize any negative thoughts going on that would cause these feelings. They are just there. =P I feel like I'm walking around with my heart in my stomach. Just when I thought I could manage going on without him, I've had to revert back to taking it one day, or moment at a time. 

Questions

~Steven Curtis Chapman

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I'm confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
that for every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn't there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly
Ohhh Ohhh

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

I love him...and HIM! Jesus and Jeffrey, together forever. =)

Unplanned holes

On my way home today, I was thinking of what all I needed to do once I arrived. I was thankful that the washing machine was broken, since that means no laundry. : ) What I hadn't planned was running over the dog coming up the driveway. I saw him coming and thought he would surely move. He surely didn't. I heard a yelp, looked in my rearview mirror and saw him twitching a bit. Thankfully in less that a minute, he was still and out of his misery. I got that sick feeling in my stomach similar to how I feel when I get pulled over. My immediate fear was for Shelby and how to get her in the house without her seeing him. She has already spotted him and Jake running towards us as we pulled in. Thankfully again, she was distracted with getting her stuffed animal and book and I chattered to divert her attention until we could get inside. I sat her down in front of the TV with some juice, grabbed a couple of Wal-Mart bags and went out to dig a hole. In the past, I would have gotten quite upset. Today, I was a little sad, but put in perspective, it doesn't seem like a big deal. I guess, I have been hardened. I would happily  trade all the dogs I've ever owned or ever will, for just one more day with Jeffrey! I will miss that Oliver seemed to know when I was upset and would come sit with me. He was a good lap dog and Shelby did love to play with him. I do dread to break the news to the girls after school today. Hopefully they will share at least a bit of my apathy.

"I'm so glad you are doing better"

Ok. Here is my new least favorite thing for someone to say to me. "I'm so glad you are doing better." "I'm glad you are you again" "I'm glad your voice sounds more cheerful again."Why does this bother me so much? It's not an ugly thing to say, but I feel as if someone has punched me in the stomach when they say it. : P I have worked through a lot of "stuff" emotions, thoughts, spiritual battles. I can breathe again where as immediately after Jeffrey died, it seemed such a chore. I have made tremendous headway in the grieving process and I guess I could honestly say "I am doing better". But I am also still very much grieving. I get so tired of the manic depressive tendencies of this grief process. One day (or moment) I will be on top of the world and the next in the pits of despair. I have never liked roller coasters and I am not pleased to be on this one that just never ends! I will say the good days do come and I couldn't have imagined that they would two months ago.

 

But even on the best days, I will be caught off guard with the most tedious things that remind me of the vastness of our loss. Last week one day I stopped in the hall to look at one of Jeffrey's pictures. I stroked his little cheeks and legs and arms. I was a little sad, but sucked it up and let Shelby out to play on the swing while I made our lunch. I got a message on my phone that I don't even remember what it said now, but it broke the flood gates and I could not stop crying. I thought of how I should be making his lunch too. While we sat outside to eat,enjoying the beautiful day, I thought he should be here running around and feeding his lunch to the dogs, and playing with Shelby in the sand box and swinging, and getting scrapes and bruises.

 

Shelby has a new joy in peeing in the grass and I think of how much Jeff and I had talked about this summer and after the hardship of having two babies and how restricting that can be this would be the summer that Jeffrey and Shelby would be a lot less work and what fun we would have going to the river, playing outside, and just enjoying our family. I had so looked forward to potty training a boy. He should be the one here peeing in the grass.

 

I remember thinking, I've got you now God, Your word says "I can do all things through Christ who stregtheneth me" Phil 4:13 and "With God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26b, but although You have brought me quickly through all of the questions of grieving, the why's and how's and given me hope and strength, there is something that is not possible even with you. I will never be able to stop missing Jeffrey. There will always be a longing in my heart for him. What about that!? WARNING! If you have a question for God, be prepared for an answer. So I went back to Phillipians 4:13 to see what the surrounding text said because we so often take one verse and twist it to mean something we want it to, when it doesn't really say that at all. Here's what I got when there is a promise or truth from God, there is something we must do first to recieve it. Starting simply with the famous John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life" Right there in that, it says the promise for eternal life is for those who believe, that is our responsibility in the promise. But here for what I was going through Philippians 4 is a perfect example of this. I will put the whole passage below if you want to read it, but here I am going to put it in Sara terms.

First, I am promised the peace of God. But in the previous 3 verses I am told to 1.) Rejoice in the Lord. 2.)Show Gentleness 3.) Handle everything with prayer instead of worry.

 

Second, God's promise is "I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength", but my responsibility is 1.)to think only true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things. (So, while I believe God strongly supports my sadness and grief, I don't think he supports, my self-pity and condemnation) 2.)DO! the things He has taught me to do thus far. I don't believe I am responsible for all of the things I do not knowing they are wrong, but if I have been taught better than that, I am to be doing better than that! So when I get so discouraged, I need to think on all of the lessons he has taught me through this and act accordingly. 3.)Be content in my circumstances. I have to accept that this is God's calling in my life and realize that through this suffering He is drawing me closer to Him. This reminds me both of the verse in Job that I go to often "What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" He provides in both circumstances plenty and want. So, here I am thinking I can never stop missing Jeffrey through Christ, but here I am forgetting to rejoice, forgetting to think about good things and sitting instead in self pity, forgetting everything God has taught me so far and not choosing to trust He is not done yet! And, I am longing for a different life, one where I have some control over my happiness instead of being content where He has put me and trusting He really does know better even when it sure seems contrary.

 

Third, I am promised God will meet all my needs according to His riches in glory! How easy it is to take that an run! But my responsibility is first to give, give, give! I should be concerned about others needs even more than my own and give all I have, and if that was every last piece of dirt I owned and I did it for God, there is nothing that would ever compare to what He would have in store whether it be temporary things here or eternal things there. Matthew 19:29 "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall recieve an hundred-fold, and shall inherit everlasting life." I may or may not ever be called to give every material possession I own, and it was not my choice to give Jeffrey, but I think God knew he was vastly more dear to me than all of that and since he was taken, I have made a choice to let this be for His name's sake and I know as long as that is my stand, He will be in it!

So, in conclusion, I won't ever stop missing Jeffrey...here. But as long as I have hope in Christ, I know there will be a day that I won't miss him anymore because I will be reunited with him for eternity! And that is something that is ONLY POSSIBLE WITH GOD! How awesome is that!

 

P.S. Just in case you are trying to think if you are the one who said I'm glad you are doing better, you aren't! : )

 

 

 

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 ⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
 ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

 ¹⁰ I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

¹³ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

 ¹⁴ Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.
¹⁵ Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only;
¹⁶ for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need.
¹⁷ Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account.
¹⁸ I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God.
 ¹⁹ And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

The Rest of the Story....

Post Script: After I finished this blog post, I went to my FB page and found a lengthy heartfelt note from another good friend who, you guessed it, I don't get to spend near as much time with as I'd like to. Then as I was taking the girls to a friends house to stay while I went to my Grief Share group, I couldn't help but tell all of this to my girls and assure them that there would be a time in their lives when they felt alone and helpless and there is Someone who will be there anytime of night or day who would absolutely love to be the one they turn to! He is just waiting on us. How much we hate to see our children in pain and want them to come to us for help. How much greater is God that He is also longing for us to ask Him, to realize He is the only answer to our every problem! How much more able is He to provide for our every need than we are for our children. We are human. We fail. He does NOT! Never, not once. We just have to choose Him! I could have so easily this morning picked up the phone, but no friend I could have called could have given me the day God did. I have spent so many days, well years, trying to do everything myself, thinking I was so competent. I am so thankful that I have been broken enough to realize how completely incompetent I am. He is the very air I draw into my body, the very water I drink and I hope that never goes away. Now that I've lost most of you and others that are still reading are thinking I am crazy let me reassure you that I am. After I got back in the van to drive to Grief Share, I turned up the radio to 101.1 KLRC and although I don't know many of the songs on there well enough to sing, I knew the one that was playing and began to sing along and God began to pour Himself into me. His presence came over me in a way that made me feel like my chest would explode and that if someone were to look over at me, my face would be glowing as if it had a light bulb inside of it and I felt as if I had lights shooting from the ends of my fingers. Then He began to speak into my soul so many things I can't even list them all, but to name a couple, He brought to mind my dear friend Sharla Vaughn who passed away shortly after Shelby was born. He brought to my mind of when I met Sharla and I was a really messed up teenager and she never seemed to notice, how she spoke God to me without ever once mentioning His name, and how she looked passed the mess I was in and saw me for who I was on the inside. I remembered her fondly for a minute and then God spoke "that is the way I see you too." Because Jesus died for me and because I have chosen to rest in Him, He only sees my heart. He knows my intentions even when my actions don't match up. He sees the mess I am in right now, and HE CARES! Then He brought back the night Jeffrey died and how when I put him to bed I always brushed his teeth and then walked into his room and held him close and swayed gently as I sang Jesus Loves Me to  him. But that night, I held him in my arms until his fever went down and he was sleeping and then laid him in his bed, no song. But that night, he didn't need me to tell him how much Jesus loved him,  because that night Jesus told him himself! And today, man did Jesus ever tell me the same thing. If you have never felt that overwhelming presence of God, I am so sorry. You are so missing out. But you can. God is not a God of rules and a strong arm. He is a God of love and grace and he has enough of it for every person He ever knit together in their mothers womb...plus two that He didn't. : ) All you have to do is believe in Him and then choose to rest in Him. Trust Him. Let Him take all the STUFF! We are so weak, even when we don't want to admit it, but He is so so Strong and he wants to take it all! All you have to do is ask. Then I say read the Bible and pray. Let Him tell you about Himself. He will tell everyone something different because He knows us well enough to know what we need. Sometimes the Bible can seem so boring and hard to understand, but if you just get in it, it is amazing what He will tell you both while you are reading and later by bringing it back to mind. I love my King James Bible, but I recommend a Living or New Living Translation when you are starting to read it. I recommend getting a Chronological Bible which had about 3-4 pages marked to read every day of the year or another one that has daily readings because it gives you somewhere to start every day and then you can go from there. But that gives you a habit and a place to start. The FBC of Elkins started that this year and I could have never known how it would impact my life. I am not any different from anyone reading this. I was not raised in a Christian home. I have made many tremendous mistakes in my life and continue to fail daily. The only way I may be different from you is that I have chosen Him every day, every moment I choose Him. Please don't wait until some tragedy in your life to choose Him. Learn from my tragedy. Experience that fullness in your chest and light beaming from your fingers. He will do it for you! I do realize I sound crazy and this is so out of my character, He just wants you to choose Him!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Let me tell you a little bit about my best  friend. This morning I was feeling very lonely, missing Jeffrey. I was trying to think of who I could call that I wouldn't be bothering at work and couldn't think of anyone. At this point I think, Jesus isn't busy. He always has time for me. "Lord, you are all I need. Please come visit with me and keep me company today." Feeling somewhat better instantly, I went into Jeffrey's room to sort through some pictures which is good for me to do when I am missing him because all the memories make me smile. Then God began to work. The phone rang. A very pleasant and talkative friend (you know who you are: )) was on the other end and we visited for quite a while. I went back to finish my pictures and about the time I did, the phone rang again; another friend making plans for dinner tomorrow night. About 10 minutes after I got off the phone with her, it rang again and I was greeted by another very talkative friend who said she had meant to invite me for lunch and forgot, but wanted to know if I could meet her tomorrow and then she shared with me for the duration of her lunch break. I put up a load of laundry and called back the first friend who I had just realized had provided me with a task that could keep me distracted for some time to ask her if it was okay to take that over. She obliged :) and we had another lengthy phone call, after which I played with Shelby for a while, shared a nap with her and went to get the girls from school. When we got back from school I opened the mailbox as usual to find a very large package  stuffed in there from an unknown name. I opened it up and inside was a beautiful handmade quilt square. It had many tiny little triangles sewn together into an "Arkansas Star".  On the back it is dedicated in memory of Jeffrey Allen Freitag and contained his birth and death dates with a picture of Winnie the Pooh and read "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." complete with a rod and brackets for hanging. I was overwhelmed. How incredibly special that was an what a labor of love for a stranger. It turns out it was made by the mother of my uncle's significant other in California. She's never even met me, although obviously her sweet daughter has had me on her heart and has shared with her. As for the phone calls, my phone rarely rings during the day and when it  does it's a Dr's office with a reminder or a telemarketer. All three of these ladies that called today rarely dial my number. That's how my Best Friend works! He puts things in order that could not be random coincidence. If you haven't already you should really meet Him! His name is Jesus! He will do the exact same thing for you!

I feel like also metioning here another very noteable time Jesus has done this for me, even though it isn't related to Jeffrey in any way. In the middle of the night once as a teenager, I found myself distraught and without a friend. I didn't have any dealings with family at this point and my two best friends had both moved away and I had just found my boyfriend with another girl. I was so alone and although I hadn't actually given my life over to Jesus at that point, He was leading me firmly in that direction. I prayed to him to send me a friend, someone, anyone! The very next morning an old friend showed up at the door out of nowhere and wanted to hang out! We spent almost every day together for months until I met my future hubby and got into church and came to know my new Best Friend in a more real way! Some may think this is all random, but I know with everything in me it is absolutely not! So thank you to every one of these people that have allowed God to use them to brighten my days. I will never forget you and certainly not Him!

A New Perspective

 Early on after Jeffrey went to be with Jesus, I began to think of that girl that was kidnapped when she was quite young and this guy kept her in tents for years and did awful things to her. Happily, she was eventually reunited with her family. I saw on tv one day a psychologist trying to expain why she stayed even though she had opportunities to escape. They said something about how a captive becomes dependent on their captor and they form a strange bond. They become so beaten down that they just submit. I don't dare compare God to such an evil man, but I felt this way in the beginning. I felt like God had dealt me such a severe blow that I had nothing to do but look up and say "yes, Lord? Tell me what it is and I will do it." This is one of my biggest struggles since his death. Trying to reason why my God who loves me enough to die for me would allow such a thing to pass through His hands that would cause me such pain.

We did a women's Bible study this year on Philippians. One of the biggest impacts God impressed on me out of this was to change our perspectives on our situations. We often can't change our situation, but we can change our perspective. Often...before...I would feel discouraged and I would just begin to thank God for the good things. I remember one day feeling so discouraged I started with what I didn't have like I am not ill, my husband doesn't run around on me or hang out at the bars, I'm not homeless or abused and then over the course of the prayer I realized how truly blessed I was. My perspective had been changed. My pity party would end. But, how do I change my perspective about Jeffrey being gone? How can I find joy in that? 

 I have been reading about Moses leading the children of Israel into the Promised Land. Over and over the Israelites quickly forget all of the miracles and provisions God has given and they would complain often mumbling about why Moses has led them out of Egypt only to starve or thirst to death or be killed by the wrath of God. Aren't we just like that? I know I am. After all God has done for me, how can I now ask why he has brought me through life and saved me from my sins only to crush me under the great sadness of losing my sweet boy? The disciples, the very ones that spent so much time with Jesus in person, were no different. Jesus told them  ^" Now I am going to him who sent me, yet none of you asks me, 'Where are you going?'  Because I have said these things, you are filled with grief.  But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counsellor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. John 16:5-7 The discipes were filled with grief because Jesus was going away. They could not see past that. (But really who could fathom what Jesus had in store for us by leaving this world.) We are the same way. We get so overwhelmed with our trials, we can't see past it.  Death is sad. We invest ourselves in the people we love and it is a great loss when they go away even if we have the assurance we will see them again. Now, stricken with grief, I have to  trust that it is for my good that I am going through this. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 He has a greater plan. "Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding." Job 38:4
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " John 16:33 Jesus tells us we WILL have trouble. We think the ones that are blessed of God are the ones that live fast and fabulous lives free from any trouble. But over the last couple of months, through many hours in my Bible and several books, I now think differently. One of the men I would say had the greatest relationship with God was Paul. He also suffered much agony. God didn't bring him this agony as punishment, but to call him to draw near to Him. Would we really seek God intimately and long to join Him in heaven if our lives were filled only with joy? Are any great life changes developed without suffering? I think for me one of the most life changing events was having children. What if in the middle of labor, I just said, Nope! That is way too much pain! I'm done!?  What wonderful blessings I would have missed out on! I  may or may not ever see any good come of Jeffrey's death while I am here on this earth, but the calling of God for me to draw near to Him will be worth it after all!

I can honestly say before Jeffrey died, I was never in a real hurry to get to heaven. Sure I wanted that to be my final destination, but this life has been pretty good for me and seemingly better all the time. I looked forward to watching all of my kids grow up and having grandkids, all the kids and their spouses around the table at Christmas, maybe a little traveling. Who knows! Life is good! Right? I'm not so sure anymore. I am careful to make necessary preparations for tomorrow, but keep a keen sense that tomorrow may never come. Maybe not for me, maybe not for someone I love, maybe not at all.   I have come to realize there is nothing in this world that we are given that we can hold onto. Nothing! The only thing I can grasp that can't be taken away from me is Jesus! Every other thing or person that I ever hold dear in this life will one day be gone, but no one can reach in and take what is in my heart. And, the day I take my last breath it will be worth it all! "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 I am not promised tomorrow here, but I am promised life in eternity if my hope is in Him. I always thought my hope was in Him. It was in a way, but honestly, it was also in my children, in my husband, in my friends, in things, in cheap entertainment. All these added joy to my life. I hoped in them to put joy in my life. But by doing this, my joy was so fragile! All it took (as if it is a small thing) was losing Jeffrey and my world completely crumbled. My foundation had been laid on my children. They were my hope for the future. After such a devestating blow, my only comfort is found in God alone. It is only through the suffering that I could really experience intimacy with Him. I've been seeking a relationship with Him for over 15 years.  But I admit, my relationship was so shallow. I always thought it was okay because I was showing Christ by being a good wife and mother and starting a new legacy for my family without drugs and alcohol and divorce, like He called me to do and He understood how time consuming that was and that I would catch up on my Bible reading and prayer after things settled down. God wants to change us into something that we would never become if left to ourselves. He doesn't wish for us temporary happiness and satisfaction, He wants eternal joy and true contentment that we can get only by seeking Him. "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 We all love our children. We want the best for them, but that doesn't mean we give them everything they want. We know that some things will hurt them and we know that giving in to every whim will lead them to be brats and eventually will likely lead to very poor life choices. We ask them to trust us to make these choices for them because we know better. God does the same. Even when we can't see it, even when we feel like that teenager who's life is crushed because they aren't allowed to go to the party of the year or the toddler that throws a fit because they can't have another piece of candy, even when we feel completely abandoned and sent to our rooms alone as punishment, God is there.
God is sovereign. He has supreme, permanent power over us all. The sooner I can realize this and stop wandering around trying to do everthing on my own the better off I will be. I have to trust Him to exercise this. When I found myself at the end of my rope, when all sense of self-sufficiency was gone, it was then that I was humbled enough to know He was the one in charge. I had to give up my rights and offer myself totally up to Him. Jeffrey's death has brought me to my knees. I would have never yeilded myself to God in this way had this not happened.
"Solomon, a man who had experienced every pleasure in life, who sought out and followed every desire man can have, concluded, "sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart" Ecclesiastes 7:3 Could it be sorrow provides true nourishment for the heart, while sunshine and laughter are of no nutrutional value? Could it be laughter creates a temporary sweet taste with no substance? Could it be it is through sorrow the heart grows? Could it be that sorrow provides the protein and vitamins making the strong body, while laughter provides the sugar or fat?
 Oswald Chambers said, "As long as we get from God everything we ask, we never get to know Him." Is it possible to have an intimate relationship with the Savior outside of the experience of suffering and tribulation. This conclusion is the exact opposite of what our worldly minds would seek to conclude. Our nature would tell us the blessed of God are those whos lives are grand, free from hardship. However,  I suggest the blessed of God are those who have an intimate relationship with Christ, those who "know" Him.
Are we willing or able to give up the sunshine to endure the storm? As we look to nature, we are able to see where constant sunshine delivers a parched ground while the storm brings the rain that yields growth and an abundance of fruit. Is it so in our spiritual lives? I suggest it is. Am I willing to weather the storm to "know" Him?" ~ "Trusting God through the Tears" by Jehu Thomas Burton
So from here comes my new perspective. I have temporarily lost my son for a chance to really know God. Not in a casual acquantance sort of way, but in a deep intimate the source of my sould kind of way! Does that make me long for Jeffrey any less? No! Does that make me miss him any less or glad that this happened? Certainly not! But am I thankful that God loved me enough to say "Hey Sara, draw near to me. Allow me to share with you my very being. Allow me to be not just part of your life, but all of your life!"? You Bet! And although for a time, my desire to go to heaven was based mostly on seeing my sweet Jeffrey again, for the first time ever I truly long to go to heaven and just sit down with Jesus and get to know him more than I will ever be able to here. I hope that both Jesus and Jeffrey will be held close to my heart so much so that I feel that they are both with me here each day until I can go and be with them.

Ashes to Ashes

I have been upset lately about the fact that the cemetery won't let us reserve a spot next to Jeffrey that we might be placed next to him. This led me to ask at the monument place last week if it was common to have bodies moved to a different location. He said it does happen. So this morning, I called the funeral home to find out if they had placed a vault around Jeffrey's casket. Jeff had told them not to, but somehow in my feeble mind, I just thought they would anyways. They didn't. This made me very distraught to think of him down there in a wooden box that will soon begin to deteriorate and one day will rot through and his little shell will be surrounded by dirt and bugs which will deteriorate his body as well. I know that this is the way God intended it. He first created man out of the dust of the earth and because of sin entered death, and to the dust we will return. "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."-- Genesis 3: 17-19 (KJV) From the time we are born, we are destined to go back to the ground we were created from. I know that this is just his earthly body and is not at all where he really is now, but my flesh just longs for something tangible. Something I can hold on to. Something I understand. So, I called the cemetery guy to just see if there couldn't be an exception made about saving the spot next to him, especially since I have seen several exceptions after walking around. But, he told me that was their policy and it had been every since he had been in charge. It seems cold, but I guess I can see the problem. Quickly, the whole cemetery could be reserved and people do move on and they would be left with empty reserved spots and no room for people who wanted to bury their loved ones there immediately. I guess it all is silly. The problem of wanting to be buried next to him is only something to fret about while I'm here. I will never know or care what they do with my body when I'm gone. I have the hope and assurance he is in heaven and when my spirit leaves this earth it won't matter what they do with the shell left behind, because I will already be there seeing his sweet face again. I know all of this, but it so hard to cling to something I don't remember seeing. I guess this is just where you have to really suck it all up and cling to faith alone. But a thought in your head is little comfort for an aching in your heart. God and Jesus definitely had the advantage here when they went through this situation. God knew His Son was not leaving Him but instead was coming home to be with Him. Jesus remembered God and heaven and had the assurance of going back there, which puzzles me as to why he would ask for this cup to pass from him. Was he clinging to this world since He was in the flesh, like our flesh does? Or was he just wishing for a simpler death? It seems as I am so intensely longing for heaven now without any recollection of it, how much more would he want to go remembering where he was going and trading this worlds sorrows for the glory of heaven. Yet another thing that I won't understand until heaven.

Update

Well, this is just to record where I feel like I am at right now. This week, I don't know if I can say whether better or worse, but very different. I feel like the chemical reactions that occur in the body to keep you from feeling the full force of things in the beginning are gone now and I am just stuck here trying to figure out what to do with the reality that is my life and trying to fight off depression. I know he is in a better place, I know Gods plans for me are better than ones I could write myself, I know I have three other beautiful children who need me and a wonderful husband, friends etc., but none of that seems to make this intense sadness go away. My emotions are pretty much sad, mad, or insane and I have to try to function like a normal person every day.  I try to recognize it all for what it is and try to do what I can to keep it at bay through diet, exercise and staying hydrated. I've also tried to get outside some to enjoy these warmer days. I also made myself a list of encouragements. Things I have found that help ease my mind, but I forget to remember.
* One minute at a time, don't try to think about a whole lifetime without Jeffrey, just get through now.
*There are people worse off than me~ your child being tortured or abused, kidnapped or murdered, war on the streets of your town filled with torment and starvation. Jeffrey is safe with Jesus and will never endure any of this worlds sorrows.
*As much as I long for Jeffrey, I would not really wish him back here in this world of suffering vs. the comforts of heaven.
*Things will get worse...but then they will get better.
*Trust God! He knew this would happen when he knit me together in my mothers womb and he fashioned me to be able to get through it. Likewise, He knew Shelby wouldn't grow up with a brother and He will provide for her. He will use this for His good and even though I don't like it, ultimately I do want His will.
*Even when I can't feel Him, He is here.
*Even when I feel alone, I'm not. I have a ton of people that love me and would be here in a second if I asked.
*I am a good mom. I am a good wife. I am a good friend. I am a terrible sinner, saved by grace.
*I am allowed to fail, as long as I get up and try again.
*Mourning is a natural process, it is okay to mourn in whatever way will be beneficial to me.
*Look for the small victories.
Maybe some of you can sing these back to me if you catch me down sometime.
I found a wiener dog today. He is black and tan and my husband is being supportive even though I know he hates having a dog in the house. At this point we are both up for anything that may even help a little bit.  I have spent some time at friend's houses the past couple of weeks who have inside dogs and it is so calming to pet them. So, I thought it may be therapeutic to have a puppy in the house and good company for Shelby. He seems to know his purpose already. He has spent the day playing with Shelby and sleeping on the rest of us. His previous owners had him inside so he took to us very quickly and had already worked on his potty training! Hopefully, I won't find myself regretting this decision. It also turns out the lady selling the dog has also lost a child and got her first dog as therapy while going through cancer treatments. I don't think that is a coincidence. 
In addition to these things, I've been reading several books and blogs. I've also checked into a grief support group in Fayetteville that meets once a month. I think I may try that next month.
Jeff went on his first sales run this week since Jeffrey has been gone. We both survived.
I went on Wednesday to pick out a headstone. I pretty much had what I wanted all figured out, but had to mesh it with what they could really do and he helped me figure out the back a little. It is going to be several months before it is done. They have to order the black granite from India which can take 90-120 days. There will be a picture of him in the  arch of the top front and then "Our Sweet Boy", his name and dates,and then "Each day we are One Day Closer to seeing you again" The back is going to have a song verse and an etching of him playing with Chuck the Truck. Anyways, I hope it turns out good. I tried to be very business like and not think of why I was really in that place while I was there so I could make it through. I was very blessed to have a friend there with me. That made a big difference! All my friends have really shown themselves these past weeks.

Just Get Over It!

There have been many who have in not so many words already told me that I should be past this and moving on. The words that come to mind are the words of Matthew 16:23. Also, the Lord tells us there is a time to mourn and gives no measurement for this time that I can find. I think it will be different for every person and in every circumstance. But, from other bereaved parents I have talked to and read about,although there will be a series of ups and downs, I expect it to be years before it is much better and the scars we will carry for a lifetime. You just are not supposed to outlive your children. It is not a natural occurrence and does not bring forth natural ramifications. Your body and your brain literally and medically go into overload trying to process what has happened. I am not simply trying to make excuses to wallow in my self pity. I do not desire to spend my life weeping, sick to my stomach, mourning the loss of my only boy child. This is a sore loss. One unlike any other. Take a look at these statistics. I found them to be startling and something to work against.

One year after a child's death:
At least one parent, usually the mother, has serious coping problems in the home or at work.
40% of parents have a drug or drinking problem.
48% of the siblings are having serious coping problems at school.
88% feel a family member to be abnormally consumed with morbid grief reactions.
25% report psychosomatic disorders such as ulcers, colitis, or hypertension.
Two years after a child's death:
50% of parents report serious health problems: cancer, stroke, heart problems, etc.
35% are under psychiatric care.
Professionals and statistics indicate almost 60% of couples are divorced, and up to 80% are within 6 years.
Though a newer study found that overall, 72% of parents who were married at the time of their child's death were still married to the same person. In 16% of the remaining couples, one spouse had died.

So I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and urge people to continue to pray for us that we will come out stronger and not a new statistic. And, for those who still just don't get it. I understand that it is just human nature. There are those who try to be sympathetic, but want to keep an emotionally safe distance, hoping they won't be "given our disease": and I can't honestly say this isn't the stance I would have taken. There are those who try to encourage us with scripture like 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 " Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." and I know these people mean well and just want to see us happy instead of grieving, but there will be no happiness now or ever if our cup of sorrow is not fully drained and this can only be done through our period of mourning. There are those who relate our loss to the loss of their parent or grandpa or friend. I know personally that all of these leave a great hole, but it just isn't the same as I think most mothers and fathers could imagine. Your children are your life...your future. And then, there are those who have embraced our grief as their own and faced it with us. Who have truly shared in our sorrow and made it at times lighter. I understand that all these people equally have our best interest at heart. Some just lack understanding in what we are going through. I think it would be most helpful for these people, if they truly want to help, to do a little prayer and research into how to help us to keep from causing more wounds. Maybe the following list from the book "Surviving the Loss of a Child" might help:

 ~Traditional ways may not be best for every family. Encourage family to do what will help their family cope.
~"This is normal," is a great comfort to hear when emotions feel out of control. Share with the bereaved what to expect, so that when the ful force of the emotions hit, those grieving will cling to the thought that they are normal-not going crazy , weak, or lacking faith.
~The bereaved want to know their loved one did not die in pain or alone.
~The bereaved want to hear that they loved and cared well for their child. They want to know he felt their love.
~Do not comment "There are things worse than death" "You are young, you can have another baby" "God will help something good to come out of this" "This will make you stronger"
~Reassure the bereaved that their loved one will live on in the hearts of all who knew him or her, with concrete examples of special characteristics or acts.
~Call or visit- don't wait for the grieving to call or invite you to help. Ask those grieving to join you to go to church, programs, etc.
~Reflect on the ways your life was touched by the deceased. Share these verbally or written.
~Don't hesitate to call-even months later to say, "I was thinking of you."
~Offer hope and encouragement.
~Be specific with questions, not using a general "How are you?" For example, "How are you sleeping?" "How are you doing at work?"
~Hug! Many grieving are touch needy.
~Have a duck's back. Friends and family are safety zones to let off the steam.
~Don't be overly sensitive about showing your emotions or talking about the deceased. Most of those who grieve are hurt more by silence and a seeming here today-gone tomorrow attitude toward the deceased. They ask,"Doesn't anyone really miss him?" "Didn't his life really matter?"
~Paint pictures of your faith. "I can picture John fishing with his Granddaddy." or "I'm sure he is playing soccer with lots of other children now."

I know that God will not leave us desolate and will put people who genuinely care and understand on one level or another in our lives and hopefully others who once didn't understand can learn that they may help others too. I would say to anyone reading this who has lost a child, mourn hard for as long as you need to and don't let anyone tell you it isn't right. And for anyone reading this and feeling a little angry or self-righteous now, I probably don't need your support. Please move on to your next charity case. And, for anyone reading this worrying that maybe you have failed us, you surely have not. It is that concern that makes you a true friend.

Glad Reunion Day

I have been struggling with wanting to go to heaven more to see Jeffrey than Jesus now. I feel like this is so wrong, but not something I have much control over. I feel like Jesus is where I've always known him to be and now with Jeffrey gone there too and being so fresh, I just long to go get one of his big hugs that would just knock you over and to feel his sweet chubby cheeks next to mine. I just know there will be flesh on our heavenly bodies because it feels so darn good to touch ours to someones we love. I know since God knew everything that would happen with Jeffrey, He also knew every thought that would enter my head and understands."The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18  I still long to feel the same longing I have to see Jeffrey for my Savior. He is the one who has made it possible for me to have a way to see Jeffrey again. Without Jesus and the cross there is no hope for me beyond death. Only because He lives do I have hope that Jeffrey lives today as well. I have been so surprised to find people who think the same things I do after experiencing the loss of a child. As I was reading one book in particular, "Life After the Death of My Son" by Dennis Apple, I just nodded my head yes as he described the thoughts that have run through my head.  I was so surprised this morning to find someone who felt the same way about being more excited about seeing his child in heaven. I think God put this song in Steven Curtis Chapman's mouth for me today and I think He knows both of our hearts.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE

Prayer?

As I sit here typing, I still find it hard to believe I am writing a blog about my son dying. This denial seems to be more frequent. Sometimes, I even pretend he is here sleeping, playing in the other room or outside with Daddy. I miss the numb days when it was so easy to push the pain away. That being said, I have had a much better day today than yesterday. I can usually tell as soon as I get out of bed in the morning what the day will be like. The fact that he is gone enters my head upon awakening, but it's the feeling I get along with it that tells me how the day will be. I always try to push the thoughts aside. What follows lets me know what I'm in for.  On the bad days, I get that gut twisting feeling and feelings of despair. That's how yesterday felt and no matter how hard I tried to push it all away, I just couldn't. On these days, I have no strength of any kind. Not to think, to clean, to care. Then other times, I will be able to start thinking about something else and ration out the amount of thoughts that come. That brings a day like today...manageable. I can carry out light tasks and have some brain power to think things through. And occasionally, I will wake up feeling like I am going to make it. These days, I can actually get up and accomplish something, be silly with Shelby and even help Jeff as it often seems these days will be the ones he is down. Everyone says it will get better. What most people don't tell you is it will get worse first. Now that the initial shock is gone and the chemical things that happen in your body to help you deal with that are gone, now that the brain has somewhat wrapped itself around what has happened and doesn't have me in complete zombie mode, now I am left to face reality on a very real level. It's not pretty. I still know that the same God who brought me to this place will bring me through, but I am having a harder time feeling Him here. I spend a lot of time reading my Bible, sometimes hours a day, but I have a very hard time praying. I don't even know what to ask for. Sometimes, I wonder if it matters. I think many of our prayers are very misguided. He knows everything that will happen in your life before you are even in the womb, so how effectual are our prayers? What is the purpose really? Where are the prayers where I prayed for Jeffrey to grow into a wonderful, hard working, God fearing man and be a good father and husband. What about the prayers where I prayed for God to prepare him a wife? Is there a little girl out there that will never find true love because he is gone? Were those all in vain? It seems that way. I guess even Jesus prayed an unanswered prayer  "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.  And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.  "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation." Luke 22: 42-46 Well, I guess that wasn't really unanswered. He did pray God's will be done. I guess it's really that even though I too wish my Father would take this cup from me, in humbleness and faith I want His will and if this is it, then God help me! Here I am! Send that angel back down, that I may be strengthened...that I may make it through this. "I look high to what I know. You're here. I'm never alone." ~Barlow Girl
I have prayed for other people some. I still have a hard time praying for people to be healed as I can't wrap my head around wanting to stay here any longer than you have to. Shelby continues to ask several times a day if Jesus is here yet. Sometimes this makes me feel so good, because it gives me hope that He really could come any minute and I know I am ready to go. If you are reading this and you aren't ready, please find a personal relationship with Him. If he has any mercy at all, He won't make us tarry much longer. I think the purpose of life is to choose Him and to point others in that direction. Nothing else matters.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day! Oh how I wish my little boy were here for me to love on! It's been a rough day from the start. I was determined to get up this morning and glorify God in everything I did. Unfortunately, I can only glorify Him in my sadness, my self-pity, my wallowing in bitterness and mourning. Can that be done? Idk! I tried to fight it, but I am so weak today. His strength is gone from me now. Lord please....as I start this prayer I look up and see "The joy of the Lord is your strength." Lord I do rejoice in You. I love you Lord and praise you for bringing me this far. I don't want to spend my days feeling downtrodden, cast down, unable to go on. I can't do it Lord on my own. I am too weak and have no desire. My chores have gotten away from me, my words come out bitter and angry no matter how they formed in my head. I think I need to tape my mouth shut and take to writing everything down so the words will come out more like I meant them to. And then if only I could tape up my mind and write down things for it to think. It's not even that my thoughts have been terribly sad today. I am just so....down? We haven't had any visitors in over a week. I don't even want any. If it weren't for Shelby, I may just lay in bed all day. It is good she is here. I was thinking earlier that I had never even considered the thought that Jeffrey could die. It has crossed my mind with all the girls through the years for one reason or another, but I don't think it ever did with him. I think I just thought that God had blessed us with a son after 14 years and he just being that gift from God, somehow he was invincible. I guess also the confidence of having 3 healthy girls at home, why would this be any different. I wish somehow my heart could have been prepared for this, that it wouldn't have taken such a terrible blow. Although I am glad that he did not suffer with illness. I don't think I ever...maybe once....took him to the doctor for a sick visit. Such a strong healthy boy! So handsome, so happy! ....So gone. How do you wrap your head around that?

Back to Church

Yesterday, I was excited for the first time about going to church.It had been such a dread, such a chore before and we had not even gone the last two weeks. We had good intentions of going when we got up, but quickly realized we just didn't have the strength to endure it. It is so hard. Sundays, for starters, mark the day of the week everything changed. Sunday, January 2, 2011 will be the worst day of my life no matter what I encounter the rest of my life! But, then to get up and ready ourselves missing a member of the family, missing putting Jeffrey's little khaki's and button up shirt on. So different after all the hundreds of dresses we have put on. Then having breakfast without him.... Well, honestly breakfast has become non-existent here. I still look in the corner missing his high chair, which I have finally quit reaching for. I miss making him his egg or apple cinnamon oatmeal on alternating mornings, occasionally adding some applesauce and rice cereal. I just can't do it, especially on school days when it would have been Shelby, Jeffrey and I. Shelby and I now just eat an early lunch in the living room and I just give her some chocolate milk and a granola bar in the morning to eat in front of the TV....Then to load everyone in the car with that silly empty seat where his car seat used to be and the somber 35 minute drive dreading what is to come. We go into the church where we said our good byes, pass the nursery where Jeffrey should go to play, face all the people that don't know what to say, see all the families without the huge hole ours has,, the little boys that Jeffrey should have grown up with. Then there's the songs, I still haven't found one that doesn't bring tears. So why do we go back. It's all we have to cling to. It's who we are. It's the legacy we want to leave for our family, and we are afraid that if we just take a break it will be too easy to not go back...and we do have these three other kids...So Saturday night we made a plan. We were going to go to church, to our church. We were going to go and do our best to make it all about Him and not sit there and feel sorry for ourselves and we actually woke up excited. I asked for prayers on FB and could actually feel them lifting us up. I am so thankful for all of our friends who truly pray on our behalf. And  while I still cried...a lot, it was more about worship and less about sadness. It was very healing to be there, to see it in a different way, to feel the love of God, of our pastor and his wife and our church family. God still knows what we need and when we need it. He never promised it would be easy, but He did promise He would carry us through. "This is what it is to be Held"~Thanks Michelle  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw