Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day! Oh how I wish my little boy were here for me to love on! It's been a rough day from the start. I was determined to get up this morning and glorify God in everything I did. Unfortunately, I can only glorify Him in my sadness, my self-pity, my wallowing in bitterness and mourning. Can that be done? Idk! I tried to fight it, but I am so weak today. His strength is gone from me now. Lord please....as I start this prayer I look up and see "The joy of the Lord is your strength." Lord I do rejoice in You. I love you Lord and praise you for bringing me this far. I don't want to spend my days feeling downtrodden, cast down, unable to go on. I can't do it Lord on my own. I am too weak and have no desire. My chores have gotten away from me, my words come out bitter and angry no matter how they formed in my head. I think I need to tape my mouth shut and take to writing everything down so the words will come out more like I meant them to. And then if only I could tape up my mind and write down things for it to think. It's not even that my thoughts have been terribly sad today. I am just so....down? We haven't had any visitors in over a week. I don't even want any. If it weren't for Shelby, I may just lay in bed all day. It is good she is here. I was thinking earlier that I had never even considered the thought that Jeffrey could die. It has crossed my mind with all the girls through the years for one reason or another, but I don't think it ever did with him. I think I just thought that God had blessed us with a son after 14 years and he just being that gift from God, somehow he was invincible. I guess also the confidence of having 3 healthy girls at home, why would this be any different. I wish somehow my heart could have been prepared for this, that it wouldn't have taken such a terrible blow. Although I am glad that he did not suffer with illness. I don't think I ever...maybe once....took him to the doctor for a sick visit. Such a strong healthy boy! So handsome, so happy! ....So gone. How do you wrap your head around that?