Prayer?

As I sit here typing, I still find it hard to believe I am writing a blog about my son dying. This denial seems to be more frequent. Sometimes, I even pretend he is here sleeping, playing in the other room or outside with Daddy. I miss the numb days when it was so easy to push the pain away. That being said, I have had a much better day today than yesterday. I can usually tell as soon as I get out of bed in the morning what the day will be like. The fact that he is gone enters my head upon awakening, but it's the feeling I get along with it that tells me how the day will be. I always try to push the thoughts aside. What follows lets me know what I'm in for.  On the bad days, I get that gut twisting feeling and feelings of despair. That's how yesterday felt and no matter how hard I tried to push it all away, I just couldn't. On these days, I have no strength of any kind. Not to think, to clean, to care. Then other times, I will be able to start thinking about something else and ration out the amount of thoughts that come. That brings a day like today...manageable. I can carry out light tasks and have some brain power to think things through. And occasionally, I will wake up feeling like I am going to make it. These days, I can actually get up and accomplish something, be silly with Shelby and even help Jeff as it often seems these days will be the ones he is down. Everyone says it will get better. What most people don't tell you is it will get worse first. Now that the initial shock is gone and the chemical things that happen in your body to help you deal with that are gone, now that the brain has somewhat wrapped itself around what has happened and doesn't have me in complete zombie mode, now I am left to face reality on a very real level. It's not pretty. I still know that the same God who brought me to this place will bring me through, but I am having a harder time feeling Him here. I spend a lot of time reading my Bible, sometimes hours a day, but I have a very hard time praying. I don't even know what to ask for. Sometimes, I wonder if it matters. I think many of our prayers are very misguided. He knows everything that will happen in your life before you are even in the womb, so how effectual are our prayers? What is the purpose really? Where are the prayers where I prayed for Jeffrey to grow into a wonderful, hard working, God fearing man and be a good father and husband. What about the prayers where I prayed for God to prepare him a wife? Is there a little girl out there that will never find true love because he is gone? Were those all in vain? It seems that way. I guess even Jesus prayed an unanswered prayer  "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.  And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.  "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation." Luke 22: 42-46 Well, I guess that wasn't really unanswered. He did pray God's will be done. I guess it's really that even though I too wish my Father would take this cup from me, in humbleness and faith I want His will and if this is it, then God help me! Here I am! Send that angel back down, that I may be strengthened...that I may make it through this. "I look high to what I know. You're here. I'm never alone." ~Barlow Girl
I have prayed for other people some. I still have a hard time praying for people to be healed as I can't wrap my head around wanting to stay here any longer than you have to. Shelby continues to ask several times a day if Jesus is here yet. Sometimes this makes me feel so good, because it gives me hope that He really could come any minute and I know I am ready to go. If you are reading this and you aren't ready, please find a personal relationship with Him. If he has any mercy at all, He won't make us tarry much longer. I think the purpose of life is to choose Him and to point others in that direction. Nothing else matters.