Chicken

Today we went to Wal~Mart. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to Wal~Mart? It just sends me into overload. We hadn't planned on stopping there. I thought I could make it. Just milk and flour... There are just so many things in there I will never get to buy for Jeffrey again: toys, clothes, Goldfish, cheese, yogurt, Quaker oatmeal with apples and cinnamon...chicken. Today Shelby wanted some popcorn chicken so we started towards the deli. Jeff went a different direction to find things on his list. I felt as if I had a hundred pound sack loaded on me as I waited for our turn. And then when I handed the chicken to Shelby she said what was consuming my mind. "Jeffrey's not here to eat chicken." "no he's not" I said, and searched desperately for Jeff. I felt like a kid lost in a store. Everything was spinning and I was actually scared. I backed myself into a corner and texted wru? Thankfully when I looked up he was there...and done so we could go. Next time I am waiting in the car.
 I was left with a crawly feeling the rest of the day and finally went to the bathroom to cry. I'm not much of a crier and I don't like to cry in front of anyone,especially Jeff because I don't want to bring him down if he is having an up day. But I just needed a little cry. Only, once I started, I thought I would never be able to stop. For the first time I began to see his face so clearly, his mannerisms, our habits together. I thought of when he was still inside of me. I thought if I could only turn back time! Complete despair took over and I'm not sure how long I'd been there or if I would have been able to drag myself up had it not been for Shelby. She walked in and told me she was tired, so I quickly turned off the light so she couldn't tell I was upset and just sucked it up for her and got her ready for bed. 
Shelby mentions Jeffrey often. Yesterday while on the potty, she said "Jeffrey can't use the potty". "No", I said, "he can't." "I can teach him" "Yes, baby, you can teach him. You are a big girl and a good sister to Jeffrey." She often says " I miss Jeffrey" I say "I miss Jeffrey too" Sometimes we cry, sometimes we just move on. One day she asked me several times if it was time to go see Jeffrey . It caught me so off guard. I finally decided if she asked again I would tell her Jesus lives so far away that we can't drive to where he is, so we have to wait for Jesus to come and get us. I think things would be more simple if we took everything at such face value, so literally, so trusting like a child. So far, she has not asked that again. Today she asked me if Jeffrey would be back in a few minutes. I so wish I could tell her yes! She has been so cheated out of growing up with her brother. Out of all the playtime and mischief. They loved each other so much and were so fun to watch together.
When will I wake up from this horrible nightmare? When will someone tell me it was all a cruel joke? I'm tired of being strong! I'm tired of being sad! It's not fair! Sure we smile, we laugh, we tell jokes. But that is just on the outside. Inside, we are crushed into a million pieces that can never possibly be put back together again!