Back to Church

Yesterday, I was excited for the first time about going to church.It had been such a dread, such a chore before and we had not even gone the last two weeks. We had good intentions of going when we got up, but quickly realized we just didn't have the strength to endure it. It is so hard. Sundays, for starters, mark the day of the week everything changed. Sunday, January 2, 2011 will be the worst day of my life no matter what I encounter the rest of my life! But, then to get up and ready ourselves missing a member of the family, missing putting Jeffrey's little khaki's and button up shirt on. So different after all the hundreds of dresses we have put on. Then having breakfast without him.... Well, honestly breakfast has become non-existent here. I still look in the corner missing his high chair, which I have finally quit reaching for. I miss making him his egg or apple cinnamon oatmeal on alternating mornings, occasionally adding some applesauce and rice cereal. I just can't do it, especially on school days when it would have been Shelby, Jeffrey and I. Shelby and I now just eat an early lunch in the living room and I just give her some chocolate milk and a granola bar in the morning to eat in front of the TV....Then to load everyone in the car with that silly empty seat where his car seat used to be and the somber 35 minute drive dreading what is to come. We go into the church where we said our good byes, pass the nursery where Jeffrey should go to play, face all the people that don't know what to say, see all the families without the huge hole ours has,, the little boys that Jeffrey should have grown up with. Then there's the songs, I still haven't found one that doesn't bring tears. So why do we go back. It's all we have to cling to. It's who we are. It's the legacy we want to leave for our family, and we are afraid that if we just take a break it will be too easy to not go back...and we do have these three other kids...So Saturday night we made a plan. We were going to go to church, to our church. We were going to go and do our best to make it all about Him and not sit there and feel sorry for ourselves and we actually woke up excited. I asked for prayers on FB and could actually feel them lifting us up. I am so thankful for all of our friends who truly pray on our behalf. And  while I still cried...a lot, it was more about worship and less about sadness. It was very healing to be there, to see it in a different way, to feel the love of God, of our pastor and his wife and our church family. God still knows what we need and when we need it. He never promised it would be easy, but He did promise He would carry us through. "This is what it is to be Held"~Thanks Michelle  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw