Anniversaries

Today, Jeff and I have been married for 15 years and Jeffrey has been with Jesus for one month. Surely the most sorrowful anniversaries we've ever had. We have been through many trying times and many wonderful times but none compares to what we are going through now. The days do seem to be getting more consistently bearable though not much pleasure comes. Jeff can't sleep for nightmares and looming thoughts. I know he finds solace at work. Men are fortunate to not have multi-tasking minds. But, I think he is worse off for pushing the thoughts and pain aside rather than confronting them and feeling them as they come. I read last night that God cannot fill the hole left by the death of a child, that it is meant to be there as a permanent bond between you and the child. Certainly God can do whatever he pleases, but I strangely like this idea. It gives thought of the pain being something of Jeffrey to hold on to. I love to cling to anything I can of him. Nothing could near compare to the warmth and softness of his body, the sound of his laughter and the sweetness of his breath, but I have to take what I can get now. Pictures, memories, unfilled clothes, diaper cream, dirty diapers still in the pail...the pain. The pain, the hole left inside is a piece of him I can take everywhere I go. Strangely comforting. It is all strange. None of it should be. Distractions seem to be the best medicine for now. Busyness. This week the snow and researching TVs and cabinets to fill the spot where the piano used to be have kept me busy. I regret every moment I felt burdened by the chore of four children, every time I complained. What I wouldn't trade to have things back the same... only not the same. I would let my house crumble around me just to sit and play all day. Yet, now in my pity, I have little desire to play with the girls. Sometimes it just doesn't seem right to have fun. Sometimes I just can't be so still that the thoughts come. Always, I just can't stand that Jeffrey isn't here to play too. I have found myself lately waiting for the rest of my family to go. I used to worry so much about Jeff going out on the snowy roads. Now I just accept the fact that he will go when God calls and not a minute sooner or later and there is no amount of worry that can change that. I think I would be happy for him if he got to go and be with Jeffrey and maybe I would be comforted to know he was there taking care of him. I would be terribly jealous, as I am sure that I will be stuck here into my 90's to long for him. How can I ever be a comfort or blessing to someone else feeling like this. I guess I will just wait for the roller coaster to go up again. I sure do love and miss my Jeffrey! "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely." ~Charlie Brown