Update

Well, this is just to record where I feel like I am at right now. This week, I don't know if I can say whether better or worse, but very different. I feel like the chemical reactions that occur in the body to keep you from feeling the full force of things in the beginning are gone now and I am just stuck here trying to figure out what to do with the reality that is my life and trying to fight off depression. I know he is in a better place, I know Gods plans for me are better than ones I could write myself, I know I have three other beautiful children who need me and a wonderful husband, friends etc., but none of that seems to make this intense sadness go away. My emotions are pretty much sad, mad, or insane and I have to try to function like a normal person every day.  I try to recognize it all for what it is and try to do what I can to keep it at bay through diet, exercise and staying hydrated. I've also tried to get outside some to enjoy these warmer days. I also made myself a list of encouragements. Things I have found that help ease my mind, but I forget to remember.
* One minute at a time, don't try to think about a whole lifetime without Jeffrey, just get through now.
*There are people worse off than me~ your child being tortured or abused, kidnapped or murdered, war on the streets of your town filled with torment and starvation. Jeffrey is safe with Jesus and will never endure any of this worlds sorrows.
*As much as I long for Jeffrey, I would not really wish him back here in this world of suffering vs. the comforts of heaven.
*Things will get worse...but then they will get better.
*Trust God! He knew this would happen when he knit me together in my mothers womb and he fashioned me to be able to get through it. Likewise, He knew Shelby wouldn't grow up with a brother and He will provide for her. He will use this for His good and even though I don't like it, ultimately I do want His will.
*Even when I can't feel Him, He is here.
*Even when I feel alone, I'm not. I have a ton of people that love me and would be here in a second if I asked.
*I am a good mom. I am a good wife. I am a good friend. I am a terrible sinner, saved by grace.
*I am allowed to fail, as long as I get up and try again.
*Mourning is a natural process, it is okay to mourn in whatever way will be beneficial to me.
*Look for the small victories.
Maybe some of you can sing these back to me if you catch me down sometime.
I found a wiener dog today. He is black and tan and my husband is being supportive even though I know he hates having a dog in the house. At this point we are both up for anything that may even help a little bit.  I have spent some time at friend's houses the past couple of weeks who have inside dogs and it is so calming to pet them. So, I thought it may be therapeutic to have a puppy in the house and good company for Shelby. He seems to know his purpose already. He has spent the day playing with Shelby and sleeping on the rest of us. His previous owners had him inside so he took to us very quickly and had already worked on his potty training! Hopefully, I won't find myself regretting this decision. It also turns out the lady selling the dog has also lost a child and got her first dog as therapy while going through cancer treatments. I don't think that is a coincidence. 
In addition to these things, I've been reading several books and blogs. I've also checked into a grief support group in Fayetteville that meets once a month. I think I may try that next month.
Jeff went on his first sales run this week since Jeffrey has been gone. We both survived.
I went on Wednesday to pick out a headstone. I pretty much had what I wanted all figured out, but had to mesh it with what they could really do and he helped me figure out the back a little. It is going to be several months before it is done. They have to order the black granite from India which can take 90-120 days. There will be a picture of him in the  arch of the top front and then "Our Sweet Boy", his name and dates,and then "Each day we are One Day Closer to seeing you again" The back is going to have a song verse and an etching of him playing with Chuck the Truck. Anyways, I hope it turns out good. I tried to be very business like and not think of why I was really in that place while I was there so I could make it through. I was very blessed to have a friend there with me. That made a big difference! All my friends have really shown themselves these past weeks.