Just Get Over It!

There have been many who have in not so many words already told me that I should be past this and moving on. The words that come to mind are the words of Matthew 16:23. Also, the Lord tells us there is a time to mourn and gives no measurement for this time that I can find. I think it will be different for every person and in every circumstance. But, from other bereaved parents I have talked to and read about,although there will be a series of ups and downs, I expect it to be years before it is much better and the scars we will carry for a lifetime. You just are not supposed to outlive your children. It is not a natural occurrence and does not bring forth natural ramifications. Your body and your brain literally and medically go into overload trying to process what has happened. I am not simply trying to make excuses to wallow in my self pity. I do not desire to spend my life weeping, sick to my stomach, mourning the loss of my only boy child. This is a sore loss. One unlike any other. Take a look at these statistics. I found them to be startling and something to work against.

One year after a child's death:
At least one parent, usually the mother, has serious coping problems in the home or at work.
40% of parents have a drug or drinking problem.
48% of the siblings are having serious coping problems at school.
88% feel a family member to be abnormally consumed with morbid grief reactions.
25% report psychosomatic disorders such as ulcers, colitis, or hypertension.
Two years after a child's death:
50% of parents report serious health problems: cancer, stroke, heart problems, etc.
35% are under psychiatric care.
Professionals and statistics indicate almost 60% of couples are divorced, and up to 80% are within 6 years.
Though a newer study found that overall, 72% of parents who were married at the time of their child's death were still married to the same person. In 16% of the remaining couples, one spouse had died.

So I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and urge people to continue to pray for us that we will come out stronger and not a new statistic. And, for those who still just don't get it. I understand that it is just human nature. There are those who try to be sympathetic, but want to keep an emotionally safe distance, hoping they won't be "given our disease": and I can't honestly say this isn't the stance I would have taken. There are those who try to encourage us with scripture like 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 " Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." and I know these people mean well and just want to see us happy instead of grieving, but there will be no happiness now or ever if our cup of sorrow is not fully drained and this can only be done through our period of mourning. There are those who relate our loss to the loss of their parent or grandpa or friend. I know personally that all of these leave a great hole, but it just isn't the same as I think most mothers and fathers could imagine. Your children are your life...your future. And then, there are those who have embraced our grief as their own and faced it with us. Who have truly shared in our sorrow and made it at times lighter. I understand that all these people equally have our best interest at heart. Some just lack understanding in what we are going through. I think it would be most helpful for these people, if they truly want to help, to do a little prayer and research into how to help us to keep from causing more wounds. Maybe the following list from the book "Surviving the Loss of a Child" might help:

 ~Traditional ways may not be best for every family. Encourage family to do what will help their family cope.
~"This is normal," is a great comfort to hear when emotions feel out of control. Share with the bereaved what to expect, so that when the ful force of the emotions hit, those grieving will cling to the thought that they are normal-not going crazy , weak, or lacking faith.
~The bereaved want to know their loved one did not die in pain or alone.
~The bereaved want to hear that they loved and cared well for their child. They want to know he felt their love.
~Do not comment "There are things worse than death" "You are young, you can have another baby" "God will help something good to come out of this" "This will make you stronger"
~Reassure the bereaved that their loved one will live on in the hearts of all who knew him or her, with concrete examples of special characteristics or acts.
~Call or visit- don't wait for the grieving to call or invite you to help. Ask those grieving to join you to go to church, programs, etc.
~Reflect on the ways your life was touched by the deceased. Share these verbally or written.
~Don't hesitate to call-even months later to say, "I was thinking of you."
~Offer hope and encouragement.
~Be specific with questions, not using a general "How are you?" For example, "How are you sleeping?" "How are you doing at work?"
~Hug! Many grieving are touch needy.
~Have a duck's back. Friends and family are safety zones to let off the steam.
~Don't be overly sensitive about showing your emotions or talking about the deceased. Most of those who grieve are hurt more by silence and a seeming here today-gone tomorrow attitude toward the deceased. They ask,"Doesn't anyone really miss him?" "Didn't his life really matter?"
~Paint pictures of your faith. "I can picture John fishing with his Granddaddy." or "I'm sure he is playing soccer with lots of other children now."

I know that God will not leave us desolate and will put people who genuinely care and understand on one level or another in our lives and hopefully others who once didn't understand can learn that they may help others too. I would say to anyone reading this who has lost a child, mourn hard for as long as you need to and don't let anyone tell you it isn't right. And for anyone reading this and feeling a little angry or self-righteous now, I probably don't need your support. Please move on to your next charity case. And, for anyone reading this worrying that maybe you have failed us, you surely have not. It is that concern that makes you a true friend.