A New Perspective

 Early on after Jeffrey went to be with Jesus, I began to think of that girl that was kidnapped when she was quite young and this guy kept her in tents for years and did awful things to her. Happily, she was eventually reunited with her family. I saw on tv one day a psychologist trying to expain why she stayed even though she had opportunities to escape. They said something about how a captive becomes dependent on their captor and they form a strange bond. They become so beaten down that they just submit. I don't dare compare God to such an evil man, but I felt this way in the beginning. I felt like God had dealt me such a severe blow that I had nothing to do but look up and say "yes, Lord? Tell me what it is and I will do it." This is one of my biggest struggles since his death. Trying to reason why my God who loves me enough to die for me would allow such a thing to pass through His hands that would cause me such pain.

We did a women's Bible study this year on Philippians. One of the biggest impacts God impressed on me out of this was to change our perspectives on our situations. We often can't change our situation, but we can change our perspective. Often...before...I would feel discouraged and I would just begin to thank God for the good things. I remember one day feeling so discouraged I started with what I didn't have like I am not ill, my husband doesn't run around on me or hang out at the bars, I'm not homeless or abused and then over the course of the prayer I realized how truly blessed I was. My perspective had been changed. My pity party would end. But, how do I change my perspective about Jeffrey being gone? How can I find joy in that? 

 I have been reading about Moses leading the children of Israel into the Promised Land. Over and over the Israelites quickly forget all of the miracles and provisions God has given and they would complain often mumbling about why Moses has led them out of Egypt only to starve or thirst to death or be killed by the wrath of God. Aren't we just like that? I know I am. After all God has done for me, how can I now ask why he has brought me through life and saved me from my sins only to crush me under the great sadness of losing my sweet boy? The disciples, the very ones that spent so much time with Jesus in person, were no different. Jesus told them  ^" Now I am going to him who sent me, yet none of you asks me, 'Where are you going?'  Because I have said these things, you are filled with grief.  But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counsellor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. John 16:5-7 The discipes were filled with grief because Jesus was going away. They could not see past that. (But really who could fathom what Jesus had in store for us by leaving this world.) We are the same way. We get so overwhelmed with our trials, we can't see past it.  Death is sad. We invest ourselves in the people we love and it is a great loss when they go away even if we have the assurance we will see them again. Now, stricken with grief, I have to  trust that it is for my good that I am going through this. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 He has a greater plan. "Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding." Job 38:4
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " John 16:33 Jesus tells us we WILL have trouble. We think the ones that are blessed of God are the ones that live fast and fabulous lives free from any trouble. But over the last couple of months, through many hours in my Bible and several books, I now think differently. One of the men I would say had the greatest relationship with God was Paul. He also suffered much agony. God didn't bring him this agony as punishment, but to call him to draw near to Him. Would we really seek God intimately and long to join Him in heaven if our lives were filled only with joy? Are any great life changes developed without suffering? I think for me one of the most life changing events was having children. What if in the middle of labor, I just said, Nope! That is way too much pain! I'm done!?  What wonderful blessings I would have missed out on! I  may or may not ever see any good come of Jeffrey's death while I am here on this earth, but the calling of God for me to draw near to Him will be worth it after all!

I can honestly say before Jeffrey died, I was never in a real hurry to get to heaven. Sure I wanted that to be my final destination, but this life has been pretty good for me and seemingly better all the time. I looked forward to watching all of my kids grow up and having grandkids, all the kids and their spouses around the table at Christmas, maybe a little traveling. Who knows! Life is good! Right? I'm not so sure anymore. I am careful to make necessary preparations for tomorrow, but keep a keen sense that tomorrow may never come. Maybe not for me, maybe not for someone I love, maybe not at all.   I have come to realize there is nothing in this world that we are given that we can hold onto. Nothing! The only thing I can grasp that can't be taken away from me is Jesus! Every other thing or person that I ever hold dear in this life will one day be gone, but no one can reach in and take what is in my heart. And, the day I take my last breath it will be worth it all! "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 I am not promised tomorrow here, but I am promised life in eternity if my hope is in Him. I always thought my hope was in Him. It was in a way, but honestly, it was also in my children, in my husband, in my friends, in things, in cheap entertainment. All these added joy to my life. I hoped in them to put joy in my life. But by doing this, my joy was so fragile! All it took (as if it is a small thing) was losing Jeffrey and my world completely crumbled. My foundation had been laid on my children. They were my hope for the future. After such a devestating blow, my only comfort is found in God alone. It is only through the suffering that I could really experience intimacy with Him. I've been seeking a relationship with Him for over 15 years.  But I admit, my relationship was so shallow. I always thought it was okay because I was showing Christ by being a good wife and mother and starting a new legacy for my family without drugs and alcohol and divorce, like He called me to do and He understood how time consuming that was and that I would catch up on my Bible reading and prayer after things settled down. God wants to change us into something that we would never become if left to ourselves. He doesn't wish for us temporary happiness and satisfaction, He wants eternal joy and true contentment that we can get only by seeking Him. "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 We all love our children. We want the best for them, but that doesn't mean we give them everything they want. We know that some things will hurt them and we know that giving in to every whim will lead them to be brats and eventually will likely lead to very poor life choices. We ask them to trust us to make these choices for them because we know better. God does the same. Even when we can't see it, even when we feel like that teenager who's life is crushed because they aren't allowed to go to the party of the year or the toddler that throws a fit because they can't have another piece of candy, even when we feel completely abandoned and sent to our rooms alone as punishment, God is there.
God is sovereign. He has supreme, permanent power over us all. The sooner I can realize this and stop wandering around trying to do everthing on my own the better off I will be. I have to trust Him to exercise this. When I found myself at the end of my rope, when all sense of self-sufficiency was gone, it was then that I was humbled enough to know He was the one in charge. I had to give up my rights and offer myself totally up to Him. Jeffrey's death has brought me to my knees. I would have never yeilded myself to God in this way had this not happened.
"Solomon, a man who had experienced every pleasure in life, who sought out and followed every desire man can have, concluded, "sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart" Ecclesiastes 7:3 Could it be sorrow provides true nourishment for the heart, while sunshine and laughter are of no nutrutional value? Could it be laughter creates a temporary sweet taste with no substance? Could it be it is through sorrow the heart grows? Could it be that sorrow provides the protein and vitamins making the strong body, while laughter provides the sugar or fat?
 Oswald Chambers said, "As long as we get from God everything we ask, we never get to know Him." Is it possible to have an intimate relationship with the Savior outside of the experience of suffering and tribulation. This conclusion is the exact opposite of what our worldly minds would seek to conclude. Our nature would tell us the blessed of God are those whos lives are grand, free from hardship. However,  I suggest the blessed of God are those who have an intimate relationship with Christ, those who "know" Him.
Are we willing or able to give up the sunshine to endure the storm? As we look to nature, we are able to see where constant sunshine delivers a parched ground while the storm brings the rain that yields growth and an abundance of fruit. Is it so in our spiritual lives? I suggest it is. Am I willing to weather the storm to "know" Him?" ~ "Trusting God through the Tears" by Jehu Thomas Burton
So from here comes my new perspective. I have temporarily lost my son for a chance to really know God. Not in a casual acquantance sort of way, but in a deep intimate the source of my sould kind of way! Does that make me long for Jeffrey any less? No! Does that make me miss him any less or glad that this happened? Certainly not! But am I thankful that God loved me enough to say "Hey Sara, draw near to me. Allow me to share with you my very being. Allow me to be not just part of your life, but all of your life!"? You Bet! And although for a time, my desire to go to heaven was based mostly on seeing my sweet Jeffrey again, for the first time ever I truly long to go to heaven and just sit down with Jesus and get to know him more than I will ever be able to here. I hope that both Jesus and Jeffrey will be held close to my heart so much so that I feel that they are both with me here each day until I can go and be with them.