"I'm so glad you are doing better"

Ok. Here is my new least favorite thing for someone to say to me. "I'm so glad you are doing better." "I'm glad you are you again" "I'm glad your voice sounds more cheerful again."Why does this bother me so much? It's not an ugly thing to say, but I feel as if someone has punched me in the stomach when they say it. : P I have worked through a lot of "stuff" emotions, thoughts, spiritual battles. I can breathe again where as immediately after Jeffrey died, it seemed such a chore. I have made tremendous headway in the grieving process and I guess I could honestly say "I am doing better". But I am also still very much grieving. I get so tired of the manic depressive tendencies of this grief process. One day (or moment) I will be on top of the world and the next in the pits of despair. I have never liked roller coasters and I am not pleased to be on this one that just never ends! I will say the good days do come and I couldn't have imagined that they would two months ago.

 

But even on the best days, I will be caught off guard with the most tedious things that remind me of the vastness of our loss. Last week one day I stopped in the hall to look at one of Jeffrey's pictures. I stroked his little cheeks and legs and arms. I was a little sad, but sucked it up and let Shelby out to play on the swing while I made our lunch. I got a message on my phone that I don't even remember what it said now, but it broke the flood gates and I could not stop crying. I thought of how I should be making his lunch too. While we sat outside to eat,enjoying the beautiful day, I thought he should be here running around and feeding his lunch to the dogs, and playing with Shelby in the sand box and swinging, and getting scrapes and bruises.

 

Shelby has a new joy in peeing in the grass and I think of how much Jeff and I had talked about this summer and after the hardship of having two babies and how restricting that can be this would be the summer that Jeffrey and Shelby would be a lot less work and what fun we would have going to the river, playing outside, and just enjoying our family. I had so looked forward to potty training a boy. He should be the one here peeing in the grass.

 

I remember thinking, I've got you now God, Your word says "I can do all things through Christ who stregtheneth me" Phil 4:13 and "With God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26b, but although You have brought me quickly through all of the questions of grieving, the why's and how's and given me hope and strength, there is something that is not possible even with you. I will never be able to stop missing Jeffrey. There will always be a longing in my heart for him. What about that!? WARNING! If you have a question for God, be prepared for an answer. So I went back to Phillipians 4:13 to see what the surrounding text said because we so often take one verse and twist it to mean something we want it to, when it doesn't really say that at all. Here's what I got when there is a promise or truth from God, there is something we must do first to recieve it. Starting simply with the famous John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life" Right there in that, it says the promise for eternal life is for those who believe, that is our responsibility in the promise. But here for what I was going through Philippians 4 is a perfect example of this. I will put the whole passage below if you want to read it, but here I am going to put it in Sara terms.

First, I am promised the peace of God. But in the previous 3 verses I am told to 1.) Rejoice in the Lord. 2.)Show Gentleness 3.) Handle everything with prayer instead of worry.

 

Second, God's promise is "I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength", but my responsibility is 1.)to think only true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things. (So, while I believe God strongly supports my sadness and grief, I don't think he supports, my self-pity and condemnation) 2.)DO! the things He has taught me to do thus far. I don't believe I am responsible for all of the things I do not knowing they are wrong, but if I have been taught better than that, I am to be doing better than that! So when I get so discouraged, I need to think on all of the lessons he has taught me through this and act accordingly. 3.)Be content in my circumstances. I have to accept that this is God's calling in my life and realize that through this suffering He is drawing me closer to Him. This reminds me both of the verse in Job that I go to often "What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" He provides in both circumstances plenty and want. So, here I am thinking I can never stop missing Jeffrey through Christ, but here I am forgetting to rejoice, forgetting to think about good things and sitting instead in self pity, forgetting everything God has taught me so far and not choosing to trust He is not done yet! And, I am longing for a different life, one where I have some control over my happiness instead of being content where He has put me and trusting He really does know better even when it sure seems contrary.

 

Third, I am promised God will meet all my needs according to His riches in glory! How easy it is to take that an run! But my responsibility is first to give, give, give! I should be concerned about others needs even more than my own and give all I have, and if that was every last piece of dirt I owned and I did it for God, there is nothing that would ever compare to what He would have in store whether it be temporary things here or eternal things there. Matthew 19:29 "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall recieve an hundred-fold, and shall inherit everlasting life." I may or may not ever be called to give every material possession I own, and it was not my choice to give Jeffrey, but I think God knew he was vastly more dear to me than all of that and since he was taken, I have made a choice to let this be for His name's sake and I know as long as that is my stand, He will be in it!

So, in conclusion, I won't ever stop missing Jeffrey...here. But as long as I have hope in Christ, I know there will be a day that I won't miss him anymore because I will be reunited with him for eternity! And that is something that is ONLY POSSIBLE WITH GOD! How awesome is that!

 

P.S. Just in case you are trying to think if you are the one who said I'm glad you are doing better, you aren't! : )

 

 

 

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 ⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
 ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

 ¹⁰ I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

¹³ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

 ¹⁴ Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.
¹⁵ Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only;
¹⁶ for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need.
¹⁷ Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account.
¹⁸ I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God.
 ¹⁹ And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.