Jeffrey's Mommy...

I take pride in decorating the cemetery. It is all business when I go there. I just want to make sure nothing is out of place. But on occasion, my feelings get the better of me and I just suddenly feel dizzy and can't really figure out what I am doing there. Still that "this can't be happening to me" feeling. For the first time tonight as I passed and thought of the straw laid over the top and considered why I put that there. (I guess because I am a creature of habit. There is security in that. And, I put it there last winter to keep the mud off of the wreath. But then when I saw it there, it just seemed so sweet and fitting like a manger. One babe in the hay gone to be with another. ) But, then tonight, I thought (foolishly) of it keeping him warm which led to panic thinking of him down there crying for me, cold and scared. I guess a child in death does actually quit needing his mother. But a mother until death never quits needing to be needed. That's one of the hardest parts. I did so much for him and now I am just useless, yet I have all this Jeffrey's mommy part of me that is so confused and just wants to be busy doing something for him.