How are you? 2-17-11

So, how are you?
Well, I avoided that question on purpose, but if you really want to know, not so good. I feel like all the chemical reactions that kinda shelter you from the initial blow of losing a child have worn off and now I am just stuck here trying to figure out what to do with the reality that is my life and trying to fight off depression. I know he is in a better place, I know Gods plans for me are better than ones I could write myself, I know I have three other beautiful children, but none of that seems to make this intense sadness go away. My emotions are pretty much sad, mad, or insane and I have to try to function like a normal person every day. How are you? : )

How many kids do you have?
Well, that depends. Do you want to know how many children live with me? Do you want to know how many living children I have?  Or do you want to know how many times I have been pregnant and where all those kids are now? I thought I had that question all figured out, but it still causes intense panic every time. I wish I could just wear a sign that either said "Don't ask me how many kids I have!" or "My son just died, how do you think I am?" Maybe I should just make up t-shirts that say "I'm not crazy, just grieving." I'm thinking they would go over well. Maybe I could market them through the funeral homes. : ) Ahhh, I feel better now!