I've heard a lot about people who get mad at their loved one who died, for leaving them behind. I can't imagine being angry at Jeffrey though. He was too young to have ever done anything worthy of anger...
I've had an awful day. I can't put my finger on what triggered it. Maybe going to town. Maybe coming home. But I found myself with so much pent up emotion and missing Jeffrey in an overwhelming way. So, I decided to watch the videos I have which allow me to both see him and have a good cry. It helped in a way. Then, I just needed to busy myself...to brood. So, I decided to go through all my pictures and sort them according to what albums they would eventually go in. So, I got something accomplished, but now I have just turned angry. The resentment I have is not for the one who died, but for the ones that are left. What makes everyone else so special? Why do they bother me with trivial things? Why do they think I care? Then I get more angry at myself for feeling that way. What kind of person does that make me? What kind of mother does that make me? Not a good one. Me, Sara Freitag, once self-described as a wife and a mother and couldn't be happier, now with anger and resentment towards my own kids. I am a completely broken and worthless as a person. I just don't know what causes this. And, I don't know how to fix it. And not just them, but the whole world. How can it possibly keep spinning. It surely has a limp now...after something so precious has left it. How could it not? I know I sure do!
That all being vented, now I can say it is on most days that these same people and trivial things that get me through the day. It's only on my bad days that there is no sense to be made of the world. A tragedy so irrational apparently reaps irrational feelings. I just feel I don't even know which way is up.
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