Momories 4-20-11

It seems like an eternity since Jeffrey died. At times, it is even as if he was never here at all. Yet, the memory of that tragic day replays in my head often as if it were yesterday. I feel guilty and sad at my lack of memory. How quickly it has faded. The mind really is a funny thing. My short term memory is better than it was. I still find it impossible to read upside down. The letters all look like foreign shapes.
I do well from day to day with the occasional punch in the stomach catching me off guard, like when my friends are picking out their baby a new swimsuit and I am picking out Jeffrey a headstone, or the church doing a new directory, but I just am not ready to have a family picture taken without him. After all he is still part of our family.
I do enjoy talking about him and hope I don't bore people or cause them to feel too uncomfortable. Sometimes, I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere, between having lost a child and the closeness I've found with God, I feel like I alienate people or they are afraid to approach me. I am still just a person. Imperfect, vulnerable, just trying to make it through like everyone else.
But, I just can't let my pity party get started. As much as I like to think it does, the world doesn't revolve around me. It will go on with me or without me and what should I do with myself if I let it go on without me. More than 100 days have passed and God has brought much comfort and a huge slap of reality. I feel my age for the first time. Maybe even older.
In my Griefshare groups, I have felt sad when they talk of the things they have done "in memory" of their loved ones. Nothing seemed appropriate or tangible. Early on all I could think of was how I liked to go rake the leaves around his graveside. It is theraputic and allows me to feel like I am doing something for him. More recently, I have come up with a couple of things that I don't know that I could say are "in memory" of him, but have come out of how his death has changed me. The first is a monthly cookout at our house. This stems from the reality that we aren't promised tomorrow. We often say "Oh! We should get together soon!" Then we don't. This gives not only us a chance to visit with the people we love, but them to visit with eachother.