Well, I wasn't sure how today would be. I had prepared myself and thought I was gonna lick it, but it was a rough day! Especially starting out. Jeff left at 8:30 this morning to go to Las Vegas for 5 days. I fought back the tears until I got a text from him just saying how he loved me and missed me when we were on the way to church. Emily read it to me and I just started bawling and didn't stop until about half way through the preaching.
We aren't really close to anyone at our church but one dear lady did notice me crying and Jeff not there and sat with me. Another lady came and asked if she could pray with me, so several ladies prayed over me at the altar. It was nice.. and a bit weird. I was thankful. It was the first time anyone has offered to pray with us since Jeffrey has died, although I know they have been praying for us individually. But, I hate to be the center of attention and I hate for people to think I am just sitting around having a pity party for myself. I don't sit around thinking sad things or feeling sorry for myself, but the past few weeks I have had a new surge of emotion. Usually, nothing will even be going through my head or I could even be listening to something happy and I just start bawling. It disturbs me more because I have never been a crier! I guess it is just all part of it.
Then I felt guilty about being so distraught because I do have 3 beautiful reasons to celebrate Mother's Day still here with me. Ashley especially tried so hard to make it a good day for me. Bless their hearts! They just didn't know what to do with me crying and I just couldn't get ahold of myself. Here Jeff's gone and I'm supposed to be taking care of them and they are having to take care of me instead! Just when I think I'm doing so good. I just have to remember the truth is I can't handle this at all! I have to just rest in His arms a little longer and wait to be delivered from this mess! I will say although I have still been reading my Bible daily, I haven't been reading as long and I think that has made a difference!
The day did get better after I finally drained my tear bucket. We ran a couple of errands (one to exchange pants for Jeff which didn't help me missin him any!) and came home and watched a movie on Netflix while we ate lunch. Then Shelby and I shoveled some dirt in some trash bags and took it to the cemetery with our rakes and shovels and grass seed to try to make Jeffrey's spot look nicer. Not much of anything will grow in that silly red clay! As I was digging some of it out to replace with dirt, I imagined the cops showing up after someone calling to report me out there digging him up! I'm happy to say the people that go to church down there on Sunday nights and the neighbors are good at minding their own business. =) It looks nicer just with real dirt instead of the clay and hopefully the grass seed will come up. We came home and gave Emily a haircut, Ashley and Emily helped me clean Shelby's room, and after I got her to bed, I helped the big girls clean their room.
So now at the end of the day, I can say it has been very profitable and also that I hope tears don't come in like breast milk with supply and demand because I'm looking for a tear free day tomorrow!
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