A call from the Coroner

Today was to be an eventful day. I had lunch plans with the ladies and dinner plans with the hubs. I spent extra time getting ready for lunch, so I would already be prepared for dinner. As I went to get Shelby dressed, the phone rang. It was the County Coroners Office. They were sorry to call but had a few questions. Mostly, How many blankets were on Jeffrey's bed?, Were there any toys? A pillow? How warm was it?....SIDS. That's all I could think. All of the things that are stereotypically linked with SIDS, that is what they were asking about. I was so  hoping that there would be an explanation. Even the man on the phone said that when they would label these things SIDS it really meant they had no other explanation and just really didn't know what happened. He did say that the tissue and blood samples...etc. were still out and it was possible that they could still find another answer.  Three to six months he said. I just wish they would be able to come up with something that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done to prevent. I asked him about the preliminary report I heard about it being suffocation. How could that be possible when he was a big strong boy capable of turning his head? He said it was possible that he could have been able to breath in the position he was in but not enough fresh air so he was breathing in his own breath and just ran out of oxygen. But why would anyone sleep face down? That's not even comfortable. How could he simply suffocate when I was just sleeping. Why didn't I know that he needed me?  I know that I have to accept the fact that it was his time and when God calls people tend to listen. But, the human in me.. the mother in me just feels like I let him down. Like I didn't do my job of protecting him and keeping him healthy. So many kids are abused daily in this world. What did I do so wrong? He was so loved, so nurtured.. Was I was too busy being self centered and lazy? Was it something I fed him? Something I didn't feed him? Was it too warm? Did I have too many blankets? Did I not keep him clean enough? Did I give him too much IB profin? Was I too busy to miss signs of a serious illness? Am I paying now for sins of my past? My present? If so, why don't I see others going through this who live such vile lifestyles? I don't mean to say I wish it on anyone else. I don't begin to think I am better than anyone. I just loved that boy so darn much. It's just not right. Sometimes it seems so peculiar that I am sure it isn't true. But it is. It really is. And dead is dead no matter what the cause. Lord help me make something good out of this thing that is so terribly bad.