Ramblings

So, I have to say a few random things. I have found myself a little worried of writing some things here since so many people have been reading it, but I am reminding myself I am not doing this as much for those reading(although I hope it brings comfort to others who have experienced great loss) as I am for my own outlet. I woke up this morning with a certain numbness that comes sometimes, I think when God knows I am weary and need a break. The human body is certainly a fascinating thing. There are so many "coping mechanisms". I guess they are probably different for every person. I have experienced several. For one, the fog or daze I seem to walk around in at times, I think it was created to keep me from experiencing the full force of what has happened. I also have felt a great appreciation for people, but have a lack of ability to feel real love. I think this is a way for me to keep myself from feeling hurt again. I know that it is biblical to love others, and for that reason, I know that God will restore love in His due time. The great loss of Jeffrey in my life has really made me question all of my previous views. Yesterday, Jeff asked me to pray for a close friend who may have cancer. Not at all that I don't care or don't want to return all of the prayers that I know they have uttered for us these weeks, but I don't have that in my heart now. I question now why someone would want to be healed. Especially someone who knows Jesus and knows they are going to heaven. If I were ill now, I would wish no one to pray for me exept maybe for speedy death that I could be delivered from the toils of this world and be reunited with Jeffrey and with my Savior. All my life, I have clung to this world not ready to die. Fearful of being separated from loved ones or what death might hold. That is just gone. And, I know full well that I have a husband and three children here who still need me. I wish not for them to feel the suffering over again that we have all been through. And I would imagine that God will see fit for me to be here for them for a long time and one day he will even give me desire to be here for them again.   Although, I hope to never cling to this world again. I want to hold on to Jesus with everything I have. I want to serve Him with everything I am while I am here on this earth. Now, I feel hollow inside and ask Him to fill every corner of the hole within me. I hope to go on to be a great mother and wife and be able to help other people that have suffered child loss, but for now I have to help myself. I have to mesh my old thoughts with  the new with much prayer and seeking out scripture. I have to take the time to question these truths I have known and allow God to mold me into a new creation. Certainly, the old one has been destroyed. I know just as Job had mockers, there have already been ones that don't understand and will ridicule, but I stand firm that He is all I have in this world. Everything, everyone else is but dust and there is nothing tangible that I can hold on to.