All Better?

Yesterday was a good day! The girls ( 'cause that's all I have left is girls)...can I just say I really wish all four of my children were here. I wish myself nor any other person ever suffered the loss of a child. I can say, I am here and I cannot imagine there is anything worse than losing a child and I'm not at all saying I wish it were one of my girls, but...seriously. Don't just bring me to my knees but knock me on my face and then kick the snot out of me too! After 14 years, and really out of an unexpected pregnancy for which I cried when I found out because there was NO WAY I could care for 4 children! Finally a boy! How great is God! It was so fun to see how different he was. I thought it would be years before I saw many differences, but he really already had "man"erisms. I was sooo proud to finally give Jeff a boy! So glad to have a Mama's boy after 3 Daddy's girls. I'll just be honest. I'm having some resentment issues. I feel guilty about that, but I am. I really wish none of them gone in his place, but for crying out loud, SERIOUSLY? The boy? And the baby? The Lord sure knows the way to my heart. Now stepping off my soap box and back to my planned post...SO, the girls and I went to stay at the Embassy Suites because Jeff was up there for a trade show and I thought it not good for him or me to be alone just yet. So we just hung out in the room and swam a little. A few of the Mennonite families were there and I had an opportunity to visit with them off and on. It was just like receiving visitors at home only more fairy talish because it wasn't home. No housework and such and the ability to... Idk push aside the thoughts of Jeffrey for a bit. The first day we were there I was also preoccupied with the thoughts of adopting a boy...or two from Russia. That was QUITE a distraction. A friend had come over and told me about these Russian orphanages and how the babies were just kept in their cribs all day only to get out to eat. Once in their high chairs they would rest each hand palm down on the tray until a bell was rung, then they had just a few minutes to eat their mush as quickly as possible and then the bell rung again their hands had to go down and then back in their cribs. I cant even fathom what measures would be taken to train a child these commands. Anyways, I just got the deep feeling that this was our calling. We already know our home can hold four children. We have enough love to go around and can scrape up enough money to get by. Not by any means could one or a hundred children fill Jeffrey's void in our home or our hearts nor do we want one to, but we have room for more and maybe we could fill the void that a child has for a family. Well, it is way too soon for us to really make any sort of rational decision on the matter, or more children, when, where, and how,which is all in God's hands anyways,  but it certainly was a pleasant distraction for the day. Maybe one of the first times I have earnestly thought of someone besides myself, and that I may actually be of any use to another human in a positive way again. Anyways, lets see so then we swam a little and later last night the 2 Mennonite families visited briefly in our hotel room. One of the ladies who scarcely knows me made us the most amazing scrapbook. Hours of her love and labor had been poured into this thing. Each page is intricately decorated and the book is filled with poems, songs, and scripture. Some of them are funny, some sweet, some sad. I am just so amazed at peoples love and thoughtfulness and willingness to help, each in their own special and meaningful way. I sat up and read each page just before bed and it just made me feel so good. I really thought I had this day licked. Today started out just as good. I visited more with these ladies over breakfast and loved how they would ask questions about Jeffrey, not only about how he died, but about how he lived. Did he say many words? Was he a good eater? What did he like to do? It made me feel like he was still here. Like we were just sitting and talking about our kids like mothers do. Not like I was marred. Some good time with the girls followed and I began to think, man, I think I've got this thing down. I think I have just received the "peace that passeth all understanding" and I really am going to be okay! Then we stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up the pictures I had left last week to develop. CRASH! Sometimes I think I can relate to those who suffer from Bi-polar disorder. Up and down, mad, sad, glad.  Of course a crash in Wal-Mart is not good. Now I must buy "STUFF" to make it all better.(not good for a budget. Dave Ramsey would NOT be proud) I texted Jeff as soon as I got out to inform him he needed to go grocery shopping with me from now on, or I will go to our local grocery when needed alone. I'm wondering if, when Wal-Mart does all that market research on what to place by what and where to get people to buy stuff, if they also research how to pull a grieving person's trigger so that they will buy more in their grief. : P Wal-Mart has so far successfully gotten me every time. So in short...in my foolishness once again, I thought the worst was over and I have been jolted back to reality... this time I think with maybe a clearer vision of the long term. It is just going to be a roller coaster. Right now with a few highs and lots of off the map lows. Just because the high might last a while doesn't mean the fall isn't coming! But with time the highs and lows will even out and then, God willing, the lows will be outnumbered. I never on this earth expect to be "All Better." But, I am human and even though I have gone through this twice in these short weeks, I am not sure I won't fool myself into believing it again.