One week ago....

At this time one week ago, I stood in my closet stunned trying to pick out some clothes like Jeff had told me to as he called 911. Soon the house was filled with first responders, the Sheriffs dept, detectives, the coroner and Jeff's best friend.  It was all a bad dream I just kept waiting to wake up from. All day I just waited to wake up. Shelby didn't understand why she had to stay upstairs with her sisters when all she wanted to do is come down and play with her brother. I fought for words to tell her, that she could understand when she  asked why we were so sad. I told her we were sad because Jeffrey had moved in with Jesus and we were all going to miss him very much. Some friends came to take the girls to their house to get them out of the commotion. There were so many questions from all of these people and so many questions I had...for God. That would have been the only phone call I would have answered for days. If God could just call, I still have so many unanswered questions.
 Soon, they were all gone and we were left in a fog having no idea what to do next. A few people had gathered at that point. I sat on the couch asking what to do. I could not just sit there and think of what I had just seen and the strange reality I was facing. Someone suggested I take down my Christmas decorations and that seemed like a perfect distraction. Everyone tried to help, but I didn't want it to go to fast and be left again with nothing to do so I asked them to sit. They watched, helping occasionally as I fumbled, and listening as I was trying to go over it all in my head, trying to make sense of it all. Many people would be in and out that day offering words, hugs, food. At one point we made a short visit to the funeral home and had a very cold meeting with a worker. We later stood in the cold cemetery trying to make a choice on a burial spot amidst some very cramped existing graves. We finally chose one under a tree with a pile of dog doo on it. Thankfully, I already knew he was not in his body when I found him, and he would never be there in the ground. It was just a resting place for the little shell he left behind. My Jeffrey was already in Heaven sitting in Jesus' lap. It was only our selfishness that would want him back here with us.