Sunday night

The first night as I lay in bed, sleeplessy in a cold empty house, I wrestled with the devil all night. Sleep would not come. There was no sense of reality. Nothing made sense. The devil tried to tell me to blame God. He tried to get me to blame my husband. He tried to get me to blame myself. If only I would have had both doors open, If only I had not been so tired, If only I would have slept with him in my arms, If only I would have laid on the floor next to his bed, If only I weren't so busy in the previous days, If only I would have taken him for a check up because he had a runny nose for so long, I could have heard something, I could have seen something. I was his mother, I should have just known! How could he die in my care. I can still not stand to see someone sleeping. I have to jolt them to get them to move or awaken. It is no longer a beautiful sight to see a sleeping child. As, I wrestled with the Devil, I knew I could not let him take a foothold. I could not let him tell me these lies and drive a wedge between me and my husband or me and God. I struggled for scripture and the one that kept coming was Finally brethren, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phillipians 4:8 I had to push all of these feelings of doubt and despair, all of these lies aside and know that as tragic, as painful, as devastating as these things were, I had to trust God or I had absolutely nothing. Praise God for this wisdom. I prayed for hours to sleep and then just began to pray for daylight to come. The next day, I think there was great comfort in knowing where I stood and it was all as a result of a terrible sleepless night. For the next days I would find comfort each morning in reading Psalm 61:1-4 Hear my cry, O God, attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever. I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah.