Healing???

I had a few days this week that were much better. I think God knew I needed a break. He tells us he won't put any more on us than we can handle, but the pain of missing Jeffrey had been more than I could bear. The first day, I wouldn't even let myself feel guilty for feeling better. I desperately needed the reprieve. Day two had  a few dips, but a very managable day. By day three, I was feeling a little guilty about already feeling so healed. I about had myself fooled into thinking it was going to be better from here on out. I knew better though. I had seen my husband make this mistake after the funeral and it has a bitter ending. At the end of the day, we were supposed to go as a family to a friends home and I had been both nervous and excited about it. On the way over, my husband decided to start a conversation about a sore subject and I couldn't seem to overcome my emotions to enjoy the evening. Not only was I upset by the content of what he told me, but now where once we were a team facing this night out together, we were divided. I felt isolated and upset.(The devil likes to get you alone before he creeps in) The evening I had high hopes of bringing some healing was over before it started. This morning nothing had been resolved and although we had no ugly words, now we were having no words. Not only was there isolation, but it's Sunday...two weeks after I found Jeffrey dead in his crib. And, I had to venture out of the house again to go to church. It is terribly hard to go anywhere out of the house for me. You would think I would miss him more at home because of all the memories. But at home, it would have been normal for him to be playing in another room or napping. And, for me, there seems to be more acceptance at home since this is where I faced the first moments, hours, and days without him. But away from home, I would always have him near me, often on my hip or lap. So, the reality that he is gone is harder for me to bear. I always think he should be here with me, he should be running down this hall with Shelby. He should be behind me in his carseat, rarely out of eyesight. In public, I seem to face two kinds of people. The first group knows me and wants to come and offer encouragement, a hug...ask questions. I know they mean well. I know this has affected people far outside of my home and people have been incredibly generous with prayers, kind words, cards, food ,various gifts, helping with my other kids, and I am sincerely grateful and would not have made it this far without them.  But, it is hard to face these people. It often brings tears. The second set of people, I don't know. These people smile, ask how I am, say good day or nice to meet you or thank you won't you come back again. I manage a smile and say fine, thinking maybe just for a moment, I might even fool myself. I think how can they just go on? Don't they know what terrible thing has happened? How can they complain about such insignificant things? How can they stand in front of me and yell at or complain about their children? Don't they know they are just here on loan? Don't they know this could be their last moment with them? Can't they just look at me and see the emptiness and know that my son is gone? I feel empty inside. I pray he will fill every corner of my soul and use me however he sees fit. I have no will, no strength. I am nothing and fear I never will be again. I know He can change that. I will just have to wait. I have never been so excited to go to heaven. I have never been so ready. I know just the fact that he has left me here to mourn means He isn't done with me yet. He says in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4,
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
I have to just keep reminding myself this was Jeffrey's time to die and it is our time to mourn. Surely a time to dance will be in our future? It just doesn't seem that way now. I know for sure a piece of me is gone forever. ~One day closer (thank you Anna) sometimes the only comfort I can find