Last night Shelby started having some similar symptoms to what Jeffrey had last Saturday night. All can be easily explained away, a small fever, stuffy nose, unusual sleepiness. Nothing you would normally think too much about. But for me, all too familiar. I tried to be calm and reasonable, but still not knowing exactly what happened with Jeffrey, I just couldn't help but feel I had no room to not be overly cautious. I stayed up folding laundry, staring at her, often feeling her heartbeat and listening to her chest. When I finally slept, I set an alarm for every hour to reach over and check on her. At one point, I reached over to her cheek which was cold (from the air coming through the window). I panicked, sat up in bed and began to shake her. She was fine. The thought of possibly losing another child really made me decide that I had to check back in. I have been in such a fog all week, not able to imagine going on, not having much desire to do so. But, I was faced with the reality last night that I still have three girls who I love very much that need me here. I have to push through the pain and be here for them. I cannot just stay checked out. Guilty feelings come with thinking of being better. It doesn't seem right to be okay much less happy without him.
But, Gods Word says "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5b The Lord expects us to go on and he promises joy in our future.
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21 My hope is in the Lord and I know that with him all things are possible. Even now, when I see now way to go on, He will make a way.
Today is a snowy day. I would guess we will have few or no visitors today for the first time. But, I think today, we can begin to learn to function as a family of five. : (
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