Packing

 

Today started out as a good day. The first day no one had been here to "babysit" me. I was excited to get the house in order and ran around doing laundry and cleaning the bathrooms. It felt good. I felt like maybe I could make it. Of course, thoughts were rampant, but I figure these are good for me to align and make sense of everything in my own mind.  As I was tidying my room, I found Jeffrey's little santa socks and went to put them in his room. While putting them away, I realized what a mess his drawers were and began to go through them. I took out all of the clothes that he never wore or just had no sentimental meaning for me and packed them away. The ones that he wore often, I would press to my face and cry wishing he could fill them again. I cleaned several boxes out of the closet that held clothes that he would never grow into and later packed them into my dad's truck for him to return to my aunt who had loaned them. These held bad thoughts for me that he would never grow to that size and it was good for them to be gone. I neatly folded the things that are sweet reminders of him and the memories I have, and placed them back in the drawers. I took down the changing table and put it in the attic. As I was cleaning it, I came across a little tub that I had mixed some special diaper cream in. I started to take it to the kitchen to be washed, but as I smelled it and felt it between my fingers, I just wept and tucked it away so that I could go back and smell it again later. While cleaning I also found some diapers still in his diaper pail. I had tied down the bag, but forgotten to take them to the trash. I removed the bag and carried it to the living room, sat it by the door and was overcome with worry that someone might actually take them away. I quickly grabbed them and carried them back to Jeffrey's room and returned them to the pail. So silly a thing to keep, but to me somehow a living part of him. I sobbed. I get so overwhelmed with thinking that he is never coming back. I long for him to toddle down the hall yelling MA! I have to keep reminding myself to take it one minute at a time, because that is all I can bear without him. I spent the better part of the rest of the afternoon crying off and on and foolishly decided to put together some short video clips I had found on my camera of him playing on New Year's Eve. He was so big and strong and happy and healthy...thirty-six hours later~so gone. It just can't be so.