Loose ends

Today I finally finished the flowers to put on Jeffrey's visiting spot. I think it turned out really pretty. A friend went with me to clean off all of the fresh flowers from the funeral. We covered the dirt with some loose hay we collected from the hardware store and laid the wreath on top, stood up the cross in front and surrounded it with the bows taken off of the fresh flowers. I think it looks nice. It doesn't exactly follow the cemetery code of not covering the length of the grave, but I figure since it isn't mowing season, it shouldn't matter for now. I light heartedly told my friend the hay was nice for if I decided I wanted to sprawl myself over the grave and have a good cry. I'm not sure what my next project will be. I have a couple in mind. I have never even begun his baby book. And I was thinking of making a quilt of some of his baby clothes. I am in no hurry to finish these things, they help keep me sane and I'm not sure what I will do with myself when they are done.

I have made it to the end of Job. I got confused a little. After all of the tormenting from Job's friends, I was convinced that he really had done something to deserve his tragedies. Isn't that just like us humans? God said right there in the first chapter, "Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil?" and then all it takes is enough rambling half truths of people that don't know what they are talking about, that even claim to be speaking on God's behalf and we doubt Him. We doubt ourselves. "Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? Declare, if thou hast understanding." Job 38:4 For two chapters God goes on about all that He has wonderfully created and wonders why Job has doubted  that He doesn't also have a plan in his pain. How wonderful it would be, how much better off am I, if I could just rest continuously in the fact that He has a plan for my life. That He has all of this under control. But it is a constant struggle. The flesh is so quick to doubt. The devil is so quick to jump on that with thoughts of despair. It really is a situation of deep despair... unless you have hope in an almighty Saviour who holds it all in His hands. Jeffrey is resting there now in his bosom and yet at the same time His arms are wrapped around me. And not just me, but every other person that cries out to Him in their time of need, no matter how big or small.  In the end Job repents, I assume for his ramblings and mistrust of God? His questioning and lack of faith in God's plan? Then God has him to pray for his friends forgiveness because God doesn't consider them worthy to pray for themselves because of their self-righteousness and lack of repentance. Then God blesses Job with ten children, three girls and seven boys just as he had before and two times all of his previous possessions. "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5b His word says it so it must be true. There is surely hope of a brighter day. I expect I will never again have a son here on this earth, but God sent me His Son to die for my sin that I may see him again in heaven and if I never again receive a blessing from God that is surely enough!

A call from the Coroner

Today was to be an eventful day. I had lunch plans with the ladies and dinner plans with the hubs. I spent extra time getting ready for lunch, so I would already be prepared for dinner. As I went to get Shelby dressed, the phone rang. It was the County Coroners Office. They were sorry to call but had a few questions. Mostly, How many blankets were on Jeffrey's bed?, Were there any toys? A pillow? How warm was it?....SIDS. That's all I could think. All of the things that are stereotypically linked with SIDS, that is what they were asking about. I was so  hoping that there would be an explanation. Even the man on the phone said that when they would label these things SIDS it really meant they had no other explanation and just really didn't know what happened. He did say that the tissue and blood samples...etc. were still out and it was possible that they could still find another answer.  Three to six months he said. I just wish they would be able to come up with something that there is absolutely nothing that I could have done to prevent. I asked him about the preliminary report I heard about it being suffocation. How could that be possible when he was a big strong boy capable of turning his head? He said it was possible that he could have been able to breath in the position he was in but not enough fresh air so he was breathing in his own breath and just ran out of oxygen. But why would anyone sleep face down? That's not even comfortable. How could he simply suffocate when I was just sleeping. Why didn't I know that he needed me?  I know that I have to accept the fact that it was his time and when God calls people tend to listen. But, the human in me.. the mother in me just feels like I let him down. Like I didn't do my job of protecting him and keeping him healthy. So many kids are abused daily in this world. What did I do so wrong? He was so loved, so nurtured.. Was I was too busy being self centered and lazy? Was it something I fed him? Something I didn't feed him? Was it too warm? Did I have too many blankets? Did I not keep him clean enough? Did I give him too much IB profin? Was I too busy to miss signs of a serious illness? Am I paying now for sins of my past? My present? If so, why don't I see others going through this who live such vile lifestyles? I don't mean to say I wish it on anyone else. I don't begin to think I am better than anyone. I just loved that boy so darn much. It's just not right. Sometimes it seems so peculiar that I am sure it isn't true. But it is. It really is. And dead is dead no matter what the cause. Lord help me make something good out of this thing that is so terribly bad.

All Better?

Yesterday was a good day! The girls ( 'cause that's all I have left is girls)...can I just say I really wish all four of my children were here. I wish myself nor any other person ever suffered the loss of a child. I can say, I am here and I cannot imagine there is anything worse than losing a child and I'm not at all saying I wish it were one of my girls, but...seriously. Don't just bring me to my knees but knock me on my face and then kick the snot out of me too! After 14 years, and really out of an unexpected pregnancy for which I cried when I found out because there was NO WAY I could care for 4 children! Finally a boy! How great is God! It was so fun to see how different he was. I thought it would be years before I saw many differences, but he really already had "man"erisms. I was sooo proud to finally give Jeff a boy! So glad to have a Mama's boy after 3 Daddy's girls. I'll just be honest. I'm having some resentment issues. I feel guilty about that, but I am. I really wish none of them gone in his place, but for crying out loud, SERIOUSLY? The boy? And the baby? The Lord sure knows the way to my heart. Now stepping off my soap box and back to my planned post...SO, the girls and I went to stay at the Embassy Suites because Jeff was up there for a trade show and I thought it not good for him or me to be alone just yet. So we just hung out in the room and swam a little. A few of the Mennonite families were there and I had an opportunity to visit with them off and on. It was just like receiving visitors at home only more fairy talish because it wasn't home. No housework and such and the ability to... Idk push aside the thoughts of Jeffrey for a bit. The first day we were there I was also preoccupied with the thoughts of adopting a boy...or two from Russia. That was QUITE a distraction. A friend had come over and told me about these Russian orphanages and how the babies were just kept in their cribs all day only to get out to eat. Once in their high chairs they would rest each hand palm down on the tray until a bell was rung, then they had just a few minutes to eat their mush as quickly as possible and then the bell rung again their hands had to go down and then back in their cribs. I cant even fathom what measures would be taken to train a child these commands. Anyways, I just got the deep feeling that this was our calling. We already know our home can hold four children. We have enough love to go around and can scrape up enough money to get by. Not by any means could one or a hundred children fill Jeffrey's void in our home or our hearts nor do we want one to, but we have room for more and maybe we could fill the void that a child has for a family. Well, it is way too soon for us to really make any sort of rational decision on the matter, or more children, when, where, and how,which is all in God's hands anyways,  but it certainly was a pleasant distraction for the day. Maybe one of the first times I have earnestly thought of someone besides myself, and that I may actually be of any use to another human in a positive way again. Anyways, lets see so then we swam a little and later last night the 2 Mennonite families visited briefly in our hotel room. One of the ladies who scarcely knows me made us the most amazing scrapbook. Hours of her love and labor had been poured into this thing. Each page is intricately decorated and the book is filled with poems, songs, and scripture. Some of them are funny, some sweet, some sad. I am just so amazed at peoples love and thoughtfulness and willingness to help, each in their own special and meaningful way. I sat up and read each page just before bed and it just made me feel so good. I really thought I had this day licked. Today started out just as good. I visited more with these ladies over breakfast and loved how they would ask questions about Jeffrey, not only about how he died, but about how he lived. Did he say many words? Was he a good eater? What did he like to do? It made me feel like he was still here. Like we were just sitting and talking about our kids like mothers do. Not like I was marred. Some good time with the girls followed and I began to think, man, I think I've got this thing down. I think I have just received the "peace that passeth all understanding" and I really am going to be okay! Then we stopped at Wal-Mart to pick up the pictures I had left last week to develop. CRASH! Sometimes I think I can relate to those who suffer from Bi-polar disorder. Up and down, mad, sad, glad.  Of course a crash in Wal-Mart is not good. Now I must buy "STUFF" to make it all better.(not good for a budget. Dave Ramsey would NOT be proud) I texted Jeff as soon as I got out to inform him he needed to go grocery shopping with me from now on, or I will go to our local grocery when needed alone. I'm wondering if, when Wal-Mart does all that market research on what to place by what and where to get people to buy stuff, if they also research how to pull a grieving person's trigger so that they will buy more in their grief. : P Wal-Mart has so far successfully gotten me every time. So in short...in my foolishness once again, I thought the worst was over and I have been jolted back to reality... this time I think with maybe a clearer vision of the long term. It is just going to be a roller coaster. Right now with a few highs and lots of off the map lows. Just because the high might last a while doesn't mean the fall isn't coming! But with time the highs and lows will even out and then, God willing, the lows will be outnumbered. I never on this earth expect to be "All Better." But, I am human and even though I have gone through this twice in these short weeks, I am not sure I won't fool myself into believing it again.

An Eastern Shepherd

Yesterday, we received a card in the mail from some dear Mennonite friends of Jeff's. Their family too has endured the tragic loss of a son. In the card were several poems that have brought comfort to them. There were several good ones, but the last one I read especially stuck with me as I drifted to sleep last night.

An Eastern Shepherd

An Eastern shepherd led his sheep
Toward a river's brink,
But when they saw the stream was broad,
Their hearts with fear did shrink;
And though the shepherd went across
In view of all the sheep,
They did not dare to follow him
And ford the waters deep.

And so he took a little lamb
Right from His mothers side,
He clasped it in his shelt'ring arm,
And with it crossed the tide.
The mother, missing what she loved,
Was eager now to gain
The distant shore, that she might find
Her precious lamb again.

She quickly made her way across,
And soon the stream she passed;
And other sheep soon followed her,
Til all had crossed at last.
She found the lamb which she had lost,
Within the shepherd's care;
And he had used her little one,
In leading many there.

Oh, Mother, has your little lamb
Been carried on before?
The Shepherd wants to have you, too,
Upon the farther shore.
And so He clasped your treasured one
Unto His sheltering breast,
That you might come and seek it there,
And find in Him your rest.

In days to come it may be we shall see
Just why was sent this bitter test;
'Til then, we can but bow our head in tears,
And say, "God knoweth best."

Unknown

Certainly in these days, we look for meaning to what has happened. Sometimes it can be maddening. Sometimes selfishness takes over and doesn't care why. I just want him back! And, certainly I can in no way liken myself to God, except to hope that my life now would mirror Him and that the loss of Jeffrey might be gain to heaven, not just that he has made it there, but that as we follow the Shepherd across the stream many will follow. Not with their eyes on us for we are only human and will stumble but that through us their eyes might be fixed on Him and they will make it safely over.

Lessons learned from Job

I have found that my days go much better if I sit and read my Bible at very first chance. I have been reading the Chronological Bible which the local church is working through. It has certain passages that correspond with each day of the year. Then I grab my Bible, and for the first week or so would turn always first to Psalm 61. One morning, the Lord sent me to Job which seemed appropriate as he was the most suddenly and unexpectedly afflicted man in the Bible. In a matter of a day the Lord allowed Satan to take everything he owned along with all 10 of his children. I have only so far made it half way through the book, and all of what touched me came from the first seven chapters on the first day I read it. These are all words I have read before, but now had something special for me.
"Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground and worshipped. And said, Naked came I out of my mothers womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Job 1:20-21 Everything is God's to give and take. He is just in both and I choose to praise Him in both.
"Why died I not from the womb? Why did I not give up the ghost when I came out of the belly? Why did thy knees prevent me? Or why the breasts that I should suck? For now should I have lain still and been quiet, I should have slept: then had I been at rest, with kings and counsellors of the earth, which build desolate places for themselves; or with princes that had gold who filled their houses with silver. Or as an hidden untimely birth I had not been; as infants which never saw light. There the wicked cease from troubling: and there the weary be at rest. There the  prisoners rest together: they hear not the voice of the oppressor. The small and great are there; and the servant is free from his master." Job 3:11-19 We have all felt, at some time, some more than others, that we wish we were not born or would soon die. There is only true comfort in the arms of Jesus where will all go one day if our trust is in Him. Here Job envies the babies that have never had to see light or have died upon birth. It is just our selfishness that we would want them here. Possibly our beloved babies have been taken as a favor resulting from the pleas of Job so many years ago. It is not a curse, although it feels like it to us, but truly a blessing that they are resting with Jesus now and not enduring tribulation on this earth. Also, certainly the untimely death of children is nothing that is new or uncommon. It has been around as long as childbearing. Many parents have borne the pain and survived.
"Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God, and die. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips." Job 2: 9-10 Certainly God has the whole world in His hands and just as we praise him for the good gifts He gives us, we should praise Him equally for the tribulation He allows. None of this comes without his permission...
"Now there came a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them. And the Lord said unto Satan, whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the Lord and said From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and upright man, one that feareth God and escheweth evil? Then Satan answered the Lord and said Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast not thou made an hedge about him and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? Thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. But put forth thy hand now and touch all that he hath and he will curse thee to thy face. And the Lord said unto Satan, Behold all that he hath is in thy power, only upon himself put not forth thy hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the Lord." Job 1: 6-12 God blessed Job for being His child. Satan had to ask permission to do evil to him and God saw fit and gave Satan permission to take everything except his life. Satan was crafty enough to leave him only with a wife who would tell him to curse God and die which Job would not do. God has been faithful to us and we owe Him nothing less than our faithfulness in plenty and tribulation alike.
"Remember I pray thee, who ever perished, being innocent? or where were the righteous cut off? Even as I have seen, they that plow iniquity, and sow wickedness, reap the same." Job 4:7-8 "And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and upright man, one that feareth God and escheweth evil?" Job 1:8 In the first verse Job's "friend" tells him he has surely done something to cause all of this to happen to him and certainly as Jeffrey's mom I have questioned what I have done to cause his death. What sin am I being repaid for? But in the following verse, God calls Job a perfect and upright man. We have done nothing to deserve or cause the loss of our child. Life and death are God's alone to give and take away. Not one soul will ever perish and be a surprise to God. It is all in His plan. He holds the keys to death and life. He knows when we will die before we are ever born. We are foolish to think we have any control over this. Although Jeffrey's death was a complete surprise to me, God knew all along and he has it all under control. Also, none of us are "perfect and upright" without Christ. We have all sinned and come short of the glory of the Lord, but through the death and resurrection of Christ and our acceptance of Him into our hearts we are viewed as blameless when He sees us through the blood of Christ applied to our lives.

Ramblings

So, I have to say a few random things. I have found myself a little worried of writing some things here since so many people have been reading it, but I am reminding myself I am not doing this as much for those reading(although I hope it brings comfort to others who have experienced great loss) as I am for my own outlet. I woke up this morning with a certain numbness that comes sometimes, I think when God knows I am weary and need a break. The human body is certainly a fascinating thing. There are so many "coping mechanisms". I guess they are probably different for every person. I have experienced several. For one, the fog or daze I seem to walk around in at times, I think it was created to keep me from experiencing the full force of what has happened. I also have felt a great appreciation for people, but have a lack of ability to feel real love. I think this is a way for me to keep myself from feeling hurt again. I know that it is biblical to love others, and for that reason, I know that God will restore love in His due time. The great loss of Jeffrey in my life has really made me question all of my previous views. Yesterday, Jeff asked me to pray for a close friend who may have cancer. Not at all that I don't care or don't want to return all of the prayers that I know they have uttered for us these weeks, but I don't have that in my heart now. I question now why someone would want to be healed. Especially someone who knows Jesus and knows they are going to heaven. If I were ill now, I would wish no one to pray for me exept maybe for speedy death that I could be delivered from the toils of this world and be reunited with Jeffrey and with my Savior. All my life, I have clung to this world not ready to die. Fearful of being separated from loved ones or what death might hold. That is just gone. And, I know full well that I have a husband and three children here who still need me. I wish not for them to feel the suffering over again that we have all been through. And I would imagine that God will see fit for me to be here for them for a long time and one day he will even give me desire to be here for them again.   Although, I hope to never cling to this world again. I want to hold on to Jesus with everything I have. I want to serve Him with everything I am while I am here on this earth. Now, I feel hollow inside and ask Him to fill every corner of the hole within me. I hope to go on to be a great mother and wife and be able to help other people that have suffered child loss, but for now I have to help myself. I have to mesh my old thoughts with  the new with much prayer and seeking out scripture. I have to take the time to question these truths I have known and allow God to mold me into a new creation. Certainly, the old one has been destroyed. I know just as Job had mockers, there have already been ones that don't understand and will ridicule, but I stand firm that He is all I have in this world. Everything, everyone else is but dust and there is nothing tangible that I can hold on to.

Flowers

So, today I had an opportunity to be in town with a few minutes to spare and I decided to go to Hobby Lobby to get some flowers for Jeffrey's visiting spot as someone had brought it to my attention that the fresh ones were ready to be removed. I thought this would be a simple enough task. Go in, pick out some pretty flowers, arrange them all neatly, put them in place. After a few minutes of strolling the flower section, I realize I have no idea how to go about this. I don't know what grave flowers are supposed to look like. My mother, my Pepa, and my dearest kindred spirit friend have all passed, but I have never returned to their graves because I know they are simply not there. I have always thought it silly to put flowers up for someone who will never know they are there. So, I'm stumped. I get totally overwhelmed and have to call a dear friend crying and she kindly talked me down and although she didn't have much advice, she gave me direction to go with and I was able to pull it together and gather some pretty flower stems. Of course, I want it to be perfect, because although grave flowers were never important to me before, now it is simply all I can do for my son, and certainly I want it done right! I indecicively ran around having a pity party for myself thinking no mother should ever have to do this for her child. But, finally came up with what I think will end up nice. Of course, then I went to the cemetary on my way home and it isn't going to be anything like what is on the others, but I guess it's okay to be different. I owe thanks to someone who had come by and placed a rogue runaway bouquet on Jeffrey's visiting place for me. It added such cheer, not just because of the color, but also just knowing someone cared enought to do so. I wandered around the cemetary looking at other graves and noticed several other young children's visiting spots. I didn't see their mothers buried next to them or laying sprawled over the top, so I guess they have found a way to go on. Lord, please help me find that way.

Packing

 

Today started out as a good day. The first day no one had been here to "babysit" me. I was excited to get the house in order and ran around doing laundry and cleaning the bathrooms. It felt good. I felt like maybe I could make it. Of course, thoughts were rampant, but I figure these are good for me to align and make sense of everything in my own mind.  As I was tidying my room, I found Jeffrey's little santa socks and went to put them in his room. While putting them away, I realized what a mess his drawers were and began to go through them. I took out all of the clothes that he never wore or just had no sentimental meaning for me and packed them away. The ones that he wore often, I would press to my face and cry wishing he could fill them again. I cleaned several boxes out of the closet that held clothes that he would never grow into and later packed them into my dad's truck for him to return to my aunt who had loaned them. These held bad thoughts for me that he would never grow to that size and it was good for them to be gone. I neatly folded the things that are sweet reminders of him and the memories I have, and placed them back in the drawers. I took down the changing table and put it in the attic. As I was cleaning it, I came across a little tub that I had mixed some special diaper cream in. I started to take it to the kitchen to be washed, but as I smelled it and felt it between my fingers, I just wept and tucked it away so that I could go back and smell it again later. While cleaning I also found some diapers still in his diaper pail. I had tied down the bag, but forgotten to take them to the trash. I removed the bag and carried it to the living room, sat it by the door and was overcome with worry that someone might actually take them away. I quickly grabbed them and carried them back to Jeffrey's room and returned them to the pail. So silly a thing to keep, but to me somehow a living part of him. I sobbed. I get so overwhelmed with thinking that he is never coming back. I long for him to toddle down the hall yelling MA! I have to keep reminding myself to take it one minute at a time, because that is all I can bear without him. I spent the better part of the rest of the afternoon crying off and on and foolishly decided to put together some short video clips I had found on my camera of him playing on New Year's Eve. He was so big and strong and happy and healthy...thirty-six hours later~so gone. It just can't be so.

Healing???

I had a few days this week that were much better. I think God knew I needed a break. He tells us he won't put any more on us than we can handle, but the pain of missing Jeffrey had been more than I could bear. The first day, I wouldn't even let myself feel guilty for feeling better. I desperately needed the reprieve. Day two had  a few dips, but a very managable day. By day three, I was feeling a little guilty about already feeling so healed. I about had myself fooled into thinking it was going to be better from here on out. I knew better though. I had seen my husband make this mistake after the funeral and it has a bitter ending. At the end of the day, we were supposed to go as a family to a friends home and I had been both nervous and excited about it. On the way over, my husband decided to start a conversation about a sore subject and I couldn't seem to overcome my emotions to enjoy the evening. Not only was I upset by the content of what he told me, but now where once we were a team facing this night out together, we were divided. I felt isolated and upset.(The devil likes to get you alone before he creeps in) The evening I had high hopes of bringing some healing was over before it started. This morning nothing had been resolved and although we had no ugly words, now we were having no words. Not only was there isolation, but it's Sunday...two weeks after I found Jeffrey dead in his crib. And, I had to venture out of the house again to go to church. It is terribly hard to go anywhere out of the house for me. You would think I would miss him more at home because of all the memories. But at home, it would have been normal for him to be playing in another room or napping. And, for me, there seems to be more acceptance at home since this is where I faced the first moments, hours, and days without him. But away from home, I would always have him near me, often on my hip or lap. So, the reality that he is gone is harder for me to bear. I always think he should be here with me, he should be running down this hall with Shelby. He should be behind me in his carseat, rarely out of eyesight. In public, I seem to face two kinds of people. The first group knows me and wants to come and offer encouragement, a hug...ask questions. I know they mean well. I know this has affected people far outside of my home and people have been incredibly generous with prayers, kind words, cards, food ,various gifts, helping with my other kids, and I am sincerely grateful and would not have made it this far without them.  But, it is hard to face these people. It often brings tears. The second set of people, I don't know. These people smile, ask how I am, say good day or nice to meet you or thank you won't you come back again. I manage a smile and say fine, thinking maybe just for a moment, I might even fool myself. I think how can they just go on? Don't they know what terrible thing has happened? How can they complain about such insignificant things? How can they stand in front of me and yell at or complain about their children? Don't they know they are just here on loan? Don't they know this could be their last moment with them? Can't they just look at me and see the emptiness and know that my son is gone? I feel empty inside. I pray he will fill every corner of my soul and use me however he sees fit. I have no will, no strength. I am nothing and fear I never will be again. I know He can change that. I will just have to wait. I have never been so excited to go to heaven. I have never been so ready. I know just the fact that he has left me here to mourn means He isn't done with me yet. He says in Ecclesiastes 3: 1-4,
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
I have to just keep reminding myself this was Jeffrey's time to die and it is our time to mourn. Surely a time to dance will be in our future? It just doesn't seem that way now. I know for sure a piece of me is gone forever. ~One day closer (thank you Anna) sometimes the only comfort I can find

Favorites...

I know you aren't supposed to have favorite kids. But, he was my favorite...just like each of the girls were at that age. They just can't do anything wrong. He was cute when he was dirty, or when he was clean, laughing or crying, doing his best to ignore you or expressing disapproval, when he made messes and when he helped clean them up. He was just so much fun to watch. I would just soak it all up with a smile. He and Shelby were just so much darn fun together. Shelby would take him in her room and shut the door so he couldn't escape. He would just plop down on the floor and be content to play anything she wanted even if it involved her coloring on him or covering him with nail polish or peanut butter. He would know his cue when Shelby would sit in the baby stroller to push her around the house. He would spontaneously tackle us all with his hugs or plant snotty kisses right on the lips. They would get out all the plastic dishes and have a "tea potty" or pull out all the casserole dishes and hide in the cabinets. Jeffrey would climb up the little slide and Shelby would wait at the bottom to "catch" him. They would laugh so when he knocked her down. How in the world can we go on without him. He just added so much to our lives.

I miss him :' (

 The five of us went to town today because the check engine light came on in the van. Nothing was wrong with it. I think it was just mourning it's missing passenger. It seems so big and empty without him in his little carseat. It was so quiet without him. There is such a big difference between 3 kids and 4 kids. Jeff and I would each get a baby out of the car. The girls would each be in charge of entertaining a baby in the car. While in town, I saw little boy clothes in all different sizes that I would never get to go shopping for and little boy toys he will never play with.  So, I've gotten through the anger, the questioning, the blaming. With God...all doable. I am just so stuck on missing him. I so badly want to hold him again. I want to watch him play. I want him and Shelby to get into some big mess. I want them to grow up together, fall out of trees and break their arms together, go to school together, stand up for eachother. I want to feel his big hugs. I want to hear his beautiful laugh, to see his big blue eyes. I want him to come lay on top of me while I'm trying to exercise. I want him to poke my cheek with his little finger and say MAA! when I'm not paying enough attention. I want him to laugh, I want him to cry. I want to brush his little teefers, sing "Jesus Loves Me" and lay him in his bed at night. I want to wake in the morning to his jibberings.  I just want him here in my arms. It's just not right!  There is such a huge hole in my heart. The house is so empty. My life is so empty. I want my Weffrey back!

Mad at God?

I know it is okay to be mad at God, but I am just really not. Who can straighten what You have made crooked? When times are good, I am to be happy: but when times are bad consider: You have made one as well as the other. Ecclsiastes 7:13-14... I have a great faith that God is in control and that Jeffrey is resting in His arms. Of course I ache to have him back in mine, but who am I to question God when something tragic happens any more than I would if something wonderful happened. I have to take one right along with the other, the pain with the joy. He is my Salvation. I was angry and had questions immediatly after I found him, but He has replaced that with acceptance, peace and trust in Him. He has always provided for my needs, I cannot complain now that he has taken something back. All I have was given by Him and all I have is His to be taken. May it be for His Glory!

Another sleepless night

Last night Shelby started having some similar symptoms to what Jeffrey had last Saturday night. All can be easily explained away, a small fever, stuffy nose, unusual sleepiness. Nothing you would normally think too much about. But for me, all too familiar. I tried to be calm and reasonable, but still not knowing exactly what happened with Jeffrey, I just couldn't help but feel I had no room to not be overly cautious. I stayed up folding laundry, staring at her, often feeling her heartbeat and listening to her chest. When I finally slept, I set an alarm for every hour to reach over and check on her. At one point, I reached over to her cheek which was cold (from the air coming through the window). I panicked, sat up in bed and began to shake her. She was fine. The thought of possibly losing another child really made me decide that I had to check back in. I have been in such a fog all week, not able to imagine going on, not having much desire to do so. But, I was faced with the reality last night that I still have three girls who I love very much that need me here. I have to push through the pain and be here for them. I cannot just stay checked out. Guilty feelings come with thinking of being better. It doesn't seem right to be okay much less happy without him.
But, Gods Word says  "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalm 30:5b The Lord expects us to go on and he promises joy in our future.
"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Psalm 71:20-21 My hope is in the Lord and I know that with him all things are possible. Even now, when I see now way to go on, He will make a way.
Today is a snowy day. I would guess we will have few or no visitors today for the first time. But, I think today, we can begin to learn to function as a family of five. : (

Saturday

The morning after the funeral. Still in a fog, wondering what now. Jeff needed his overalls mended...much needed something to do. God has just known all week what and who we needed and when. A dear friend, a kindred spirit, sent me a prayer early in the week that God would give us as many little gifts to open each day as grief. One I vividly remember is an unexpected friend walking through the door one morning. Her face made my day. Jeff went outside as I mended overalls. He shortly came back in in tears to hug me. He had said the night before that now that the funeral was over we could move on and he expected this day to be better. Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. It just doesn't go away. I forsee bad days for the rest of our lives. Hopefully, they will become fewer and farther between. He struggle through the entire day. I was so worried about him. I looked out the window once and saw him helping a young boy up the ladder to go down the slide and my heart ached for him that would never be his son. For his only son, the one we waited 14 years for was gone. I wondered if this was hard for him or helpful. I didn't know whether to save him or let him be. I could not go take over. God bless him. Here we go. Trying to find a way. Left here in this world. Desiring to go to heaven too, but trying to get ourselves together to take care of the three beautiful girls that God has left us with. God help us.

On Friday; the Funeral

The day had come. I was filled with nervousness, scared that this would be the end. The end to all of the visits, the calls, the love and the prayers. Scared I would now be alone. For the first day I tried to look decent. I tried to ready myself putting on clean clothes for only the third time in a week. It had seemed so impossible so unimportant to pick out clothes each time I stood in the closet that week. It was much easier to grab the ones from the day before. But today, I should try to look good to honor Jeffrey. Two wonderful friends came to pick me up early so that I could go to the funeral home and be close to his body one last time. Just a few quiet minutes with my baby boy to say goodbye and make sure he was handsome for the viewing. As we drove there I felt numb. The strangest reaction as I was in the room with him, I found myself leaned over his little body which now looked more like he was sleeping and could just awaken at any moment. I prayed once for him to just awake and scramble to get up and into my arms, but that wasn't really what I wanted. He was in Heaven. He had already suffered through his time in this world. He never knew heartache or sickness. He only knew the love of our arms, the comfort of my breast and being carried on my hips. He would never have to know anything else. How merciful is God that he would save him from that! As people here on earth, our purpose in life is to make a choice to love Jesus, to let him in our hearts and have a personal relationship with Him. Not for show, not for anyone, but for us. And as parents it is our job to make sure our kids make this choice two. I am 25% done with this job as there is no doubt of where he is and I have the assurance of seeing him again. As I bent over his casket, I stroked his little cheeks and hands, I sobbed and thanked God. I felt so terribly greatful. I thanked Him for the time I had with him here. 17 beautiful months. I thanked God that he was sick that night and he got to fall asleep in my arms one last time and I got to hold him and enjoy his sweet breath and cuddly self instead of our usual routine where I would have layed him in bed awake. I thanked God that he had not had to endure sickness or pain and asked God to hug him so tight for me. I love that little boy so much and I ALWAYS will.
We drove home and waited shortly until time to go to the church. I thought we would get there early so that I could make sure everything was set up the way I wanted and make sure all of the videos I had made were in order. However, when we arrived, greif overtook me. The reality of burying my son that day. There was no more business, just hundreds of people offering condolences which was heart warming, but left no room for denial of why we were there. We sat in the front pew in front of Jeffreys Casket and recieved visitors. Such a wonderful outpouring of love from such a widespread group of people. Music played as pictures that a friend made rolled on the screens. Finally, it was time to start. They cued the first video and it didn't start. The preacher got up and began to read the obituary. I wanted to stand up and scream for him to stop to wait for the music to play. This is not how it was supposed to be. I had already surrendered the set up to the funeral home because I was just to weak to do it myself, but I could not let go of this. I had invested two days. Two nights of not going to bed until 3 to make this perfect. To make it a beautiful memory of him. I asked friends to go tell him how to fix it. I was devastated... angry. It never started and the preacher went on with his sermon. It was done in a nervous tone. Nothing was right. It was all so wrong. I wanted to stand up and run from the building. It was just more than I could bear. I managed to keep my seat and I have to let it go now. No going back. It had been ruined. I should have gone the night before and checked them like I wanted to. We again recieved visitors and then left for the cemetary. The sun had popped out when we arrived after a dreary ride to the church that morning, but it was a cruel joke. It was bittterly cold and windy. There were only a few short words there. I had already said my goodbyes that morning. He was not there in that coffin about to be lowered into the ground. I had nothing. We gathered at the church for food. So many people were gracious enough to stay. We had not yet been left alone. They played the movies during the food. Small consolation, but they really were perfect. Many people came back to the house to get us through the night. We were absolutely drained that night physically, emotionally, it was all gone. Just our shells there existing. numb inside. What would tomorrow bring? It was all over.

Thursday

Thursday was filled with business preparing for the funeral. I had a host of wonderful ladies who helped by recording songs, searching for songs and poems,  tying poems to the Chuck the Trucks, helping me make the slideshows that were to be shown at the funeral. It was going to be a lovely tribute to him and all of these friends new and old were a lovely tribute to God and his goodness shining down on me in this impossible time. There were not as many tears this day as we stayed so busy. This night as the night before I would stay up until early morning hours preparing everything. As people came, I would share what I had worked on with them and we would cry because of the loss, but also smile because of the wonderful memories. Staring at so many pictures for days helped to dull the image in my head of him lying there stiff and cold with blood pooled in his face in his bed. Such a horrible image that I still pray will just go away. For some reason, there seems to be a need for it now. Who am I to question. At this point I am just going through the motions, surviving, trying to be busy.

Sunday night

The first night as I lay in bed, sleeplessy in a cold empty house, I wrestled with the devil all night. Sleep would not come. There was no sense of reality. Nothing made sense. The devil tried to tell me to blame God. He tried to get me to blame my husband. He tried to get me to blame myself. If only I would have had both doors open, If only I had not been so tired, If only I would have slept with him in my arms, If only I would have laid on the floor next to his bed, If only I weren't so busy in the previous days, If only I would have taken him for a check up because he had a runny nose for so long, I could have heard something, I could have seen something. I was his mother, I should have just known! How could he die in my care. I can still not stand to see someone sleeping. I have to jolt them to get them to move or awaken. It is no longer a beautiful sight to see a sleeping child. As, I wrestled with the Devil, I knew I could not let him take a foothold. I could not let him tell me these lies and drive a wedge between me and my husband or me and God. I struggled for scripture and the one that kept coming was Finally brethren, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report, if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Phillipians 4:8 I had to push all of these feelings of doubt and despair, all of these lies aside and know that as tragic, as painful, as devastating as these things were, I had to trust God or I had absolutely nothing. Praise God for this wisdom. I prayed for hours to sleep and then just began to pray for daylight to come. The next day, I think there was great comfort in knowing where I stood and it was all as a result of a terrible sleepless night. For the next days I would find comfort each morning in reading Psalm 61:1-4 Hear my cry, O God, attend to my prayer. From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For thou hast been a shelter for me, and a strong tower from the enemy. I will abide in thy tabernacle for ever. I will trust in the covert of thy wings. Selah.

On Wednesday....

When Wednesday came, we finally got a call that Jeffrey's shell was back from the Little Rock. We left Shelby with my Dad and Susan,who were so good to be here faithfully each day,  while we went to the funeral home. This visit was better. A different man, Roy, helped us. His voice was easier. He was quick to accommodate and made it almost all the way through our visit before he broke down sobbing imagining our pain as he thought of his own two year old child. This tragedy touched the hearts of so many as any parent can imagine what it would be like to lose a child. We were told we would have to put a hat on Jeffrey's head as they had not done a good job with the autopsy. So, from there we went to Wal-Mart to find a hat and a couple of other things we would need for the funeral now that we were thinking of it. It would give us something to focus on, something to do to keep us from fumbling around so lost. We would also purchase all of the Chuck the Trucks we could find to give out at the funeral as reminders of him. Next, we ended up at the mall to try to pick up a ring Jeff had given me for Christmas that we had dropped off to be sized the night before the tragedy. It was a hard reminder of that last evening we had spent with him, rushing around with our own agendas, taking for granted the children that are only here on loan from God. Maybe I missed something that would have let me know his sickness should have been taken more seriously. But, I had to push those thoughts aside and stand firm in faith knowing that it was in God's time that he was taken and He has a plan for all of this for ALL things work together for the good of those that love the Lord. There has been great comfort from God. It is so wonderful to have so many people, friends and strangers alike that are praying for us, sending us scriptures and words of hope. I would never want to go through one good day without God and certainly not through a time like this. My only comfort is to know He is in control of this all. He took Jeffrey home, He has us in His hands now and He will never leave us nor forsake us. There is still little understanding, but I know He's got this. Jeffrey is in Heaven literally in Jesus arms, but the wonderful thing about Jesus arms is they are also extended down holding us here, carrying us through each day, surrounding us with love and friends and helping us try to find a new normal..a new life without Jeffrey here. Jeffrey filled all of our future plans and it is so hard to face the future without him, but with God all things are possible and we will just take it one day...one breath at at time and I know He will bring us through. To forsake God in this time, to blame Him or question Him would, for me, remove all hope.

On the Second Day

On the second day, the reality was more. There was acceptance. There was great comfort from God and great sadness.  Jeff and I awoke alone. All of the girls had spent the night with a friend. I quickly grabbed my clothes from the previous day and ran out of the bedroom. For some time waking up would be hard to do because Jeffrey would usually be my alarm clock and I would lay for a few minutes listening to his sweet talking and then walk into his room to to see him laying, often recently with his feet propped up on the crib slats and arms behind his little head. He was such a happy, easy-going boy. He would see me and scramble to get up. I would lift him and he would rest his little head on my shoulder and put his arms around my neck. We would go to the kitchen to get some juice and sit on the couch and watch cartoons. He would hold his drink in his left hand and put his right hand on my neck. Oh, how I miss that.
We blindly ran some errands that morning, going to the bank to try to get enough money in one account to cover the expenses we were about to incur, and to get Jeff a haircut. It was so strange to go in and have people ask how we were not knowing what we were facing and just say fine. We were far from fine. They would ramble on about the things going on in their lives as if they were important. Then we went to get our girls to bring them home. It had been so terribly quiet there without them. We were not home long when people gathered again. They would answer the phone, clean, get food ready for the crowds. We would have never made it through these days without all the people that came. They took time out of their busy schedules, just stopped their own lives to become part of ours. It has helped so much to fill the enormous empty hole in our home without Jeffrey here.

One week ago....

At this time one week ago, I stood in my closet stunned trying to pick out some clothes like Jeff had told me to as he called 911. Soon the house was filled with first responders, the Sheriffs dept, detectives, the coroner and Jeff's best friend.  It was all a bad dream I just kept waiting to wake up from. All day I just waited to wake up. Shelby didn't understand why she had to stay upstairs with her sisters when all she wanted to do is come down and play with her brother. I fought for words to tell her, that she could understand when she  asked why we were so sad. I told her we were sad because Jeffrey had moved in with Jesus and we were all going to miss him very much. Some friends came to take the girls to their house to get them out of the commotion. There were so many questions from all of these people and so many questions I had...for God. That would have been the only phone call I would have answered for days. If God could just call, I still have so many unanswered questions.
 Soon, they were all gone and we were left in a fog having no idea what to do next. A few people had gathered at that point. I sat on the couch asking what to do. I could not just sit there and think of what I had just seen and the strange reality I was facing. Someone suggested I take down my Christmas decorations and that seemed like a perfect distraction. Everyone tried to help, but I didn't want it to go to fast and be left again with nothing to do so I asked them to sit. They watched, helping occasionally as I fumbled, and listening as I was trying to go over it all in my head, trying to make sense of it all. Many people would be in and out that day offering words, hugs, food. At one point we made a short visit to the funeral home and had a very cold meeting with a worker. We later stood in the cold cemetery trying to make a choice on a burial spot amidst some very cramped existing graves. We finally chose one under a tree with a pile of dog doo on it. Thankfully, I already knew he was not in his body when I found him, and he would never be there in the ground. It was just a resting place for the little shell he left behind. My Jeffrey was already in Heaven sitting in Jesus' lap. It was only our selfishness that would want him back here with us.

Today is the second morning I have woken up without his sweet hands around my neck.

On Saturday night, I held him until he fell asleep, then a little longer just to enjoy the sweetness of him in my arms. I put him in his bed despite the temptation to just take him to bed with me. I went to bed also because he had been fussy and had a little fever and I thought it would be a long night. When I awakened at daylight without having heard him through the night, I just knew. I pictured his blue face as I was in the bathroom. I tried to push it aside. I got Shelby a drink and went to peep at him. I cracked the door and looked for his chest to rise and lower with breath. I couldn't see any movement. Still with sleepy blurry eyes, I tried to focus. Nothing. Shelby started down the hall. I took her back to busy her and  went into Jeffrey's room to check on him. I stood over his crib and reached my hand down to his right shoulder. He was face down cold and hard. I ran down the shrieking for my husband. "Jeff!!!, It's Jeffrey!!!" He jumped out of bed and ran to his room. He turned him over. It was the most awful sight I have and will ever see. My beloved son, the boy we had waited 14 years for after having three girls, the answer to so many prayers in so many ways, was blue and stiff and cold. He was not there. Just a shell he had once inhabited. I pray God will take that image from my head and replace it with one more lovely of his beautiful smile and happy blue eyes. Oh, my baby boy. I miss you so.