Prayer?

As I sit here typing, I still find it hard to believe I am writing a blog about my son dying. This denial seems to be more frequent. Sometimes, I even pretend he is here sleeping, playing in the other room or outside with Daddy. I miss the numb days when it was so easy to push the pain away. That being said, I have had a much better day today than yesterday. I can usually tell as soon as I get out of bed in the morning what the day will be like. The fact that he is gone enters my head upon awakening, but it's the feeling I get along with it that tells me how the day will be. I always try to push the thoughts aside. What follows lets me know what I'm in for.  On the bad days, I get that gut twisting feeling and feelings of despair. That's how yesterday felt and no matter how hard I tried to push it all away, I just couldn't. On these days, I have no strength of any kind. Not to think, to clean, to care. Then other times, I will be able to start thinking about something else and ration out the amount of thoughts that come. That brings a day like today...manageable. I can carry out light tasks and have some brain power to think things through. And occasionally, I will wake up feeling like I am going to make it. These days, I can actually get up and accomplish something, be silly with Shelby and even help Jeff as it often seems these days will be the ones he is down. Everyone says it will get better. What most people don't tell you is it will get worse first. Now that the initial shock is gone and the chemical things that happen in your body to help you deal with that are gone, now that the brain has somewhat wrapped itself around what has happened and doesn't have me in complete zombie mode, now I am left to face reality on a very real level. It's not pretty. I still know that the same God who brought me to this place will bring me through, but I am having a harder time feeling Him here. I spend a lot of time reading my Bible, sometimes hours a day, but I have a very hard time praying. I don't even know what to ask for. Sometimes, I wonder if it matters. I think many of our prayers are very misguided. He knows everything that will happen in your life before you are even in the womb, so how effectual are our prayers? What is the purpose really? Where are the prayers where I prayed for Jeffrey to grow into a wonderful, hard working, God fearing man and be a good father and husband. What about the prayers where I prayed for God to prepare him a wife? Is there a little girl out there that will never find true love because he is gone? Were those all in vain? It seems that way. I guess even Jesus prayed an unanswered prayer  "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.  And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.  "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation." Luke 22: 42-46 Well, I guess that wasn't really unanswered. He did pray God's will be done. I guess it's really that even though I too wish my Father would take this cup from me, in humbleness and faith I want His will and if this is it, then God help me! Here I am! Send that angel back down, that I may be strengthened...that I may make it through this. "I look high to what I know. You're here. I'm never alone." ~Barlow Girl
I have prayed for other people some. I still have a hard time praying for people to be healed as I can't wrap my head around wanting to stay here any longer than you have to. Shelby continues to ask several times a day if Jesus is here yet. Sometimes this makes me feel so good, because it gives me hope that He really could come any minute and I know I am ready to go. If you are reading this and you aren't ready, please find a personal relationship with Him. If he has any mercy at all, He won't make us tarry much longer. I think the purpose of life is to choose Him and to point others in that direction. Nothing else matters.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day! Oh how I wish my little boy were here for me to love on! It's been a rough day from the start. I was determined to get up this morning and glorify God in everything I did. Unfortunately, I can only glorify Him in my sadness, my self-pity, my wallowing in bitterness and mourning. Can that be done? Idk! I tried to fight it, but I am so weak today. His strength is gone from me now. Lord please....as I start this prayer I look up and see "The joy of the Lord is your strength." Lord I do rejoice in You. I love you Lord and praise you for bringing me this far. I don't want to spend my days feeling downtrodden, cast down, unable to go on. I can't do it Lord on my own. I am too weak and have no desire. My chores have gotten away from me, my words come out bitter and angry no matter how they formed in my head. I think I need to tape my mouth shut and take to writing everything down so the words will come out more like I meant them to. And then if only I could tape up my mind and write down things for it to think. It's not even that my thoughts have been terribly sad today. I am just so....down? We haven't had any visitors in over a week. I don't even want any. If it weren't for Shelby, I may just lay in bed all day. It is good she is here. I was thinking earlier that I had never even considered the thought that Jeffrey could die. It has crossed my mind with all the girls through the years for one reason or another, but I don't think it ever did with him. I think I just thought that God had blessed us with a son after 14 years and he just being that gift from God, somehow he was invincible. I guess also the confidence of having 3 healthy girls at home, why would this be any different. I wish somehow my heart could have been prepared for this, that it wouldn't have taken such a terrible blow. Although I am glad that he did not suffer with illness. I don't think I ever...maybe once....took him to the doctor for a sick visit. Such a strong healthy boy! So handsome, so happy! ....So gone. How do you wrap your head around that?

Back to Church

Yesterday, I was excited for the first time about going to church.It had been such a dread, such a chore before and we had not even gone the last two weeks. We had good intentions of going when we got up, but quickly realized we just didn't have the strength to endure it. It is so hard. Sundays, for starters, mark the day of the week everything changed. Sunday, January 2, 2011 will be the worst day of my life no matter what I encounter the rest of my life! But, then to get up and ready ourselves missing a member of the family, missing putting Jeffrey's little khaki's and button up shirt on. So different after all the hundreds of dresses we have put on. Then having breakfast without him.... Well, honestly breakfast has become non-existent here. I still look in the corner missing his high chair, which I have finally quit reaching for. I miss making him his egg or apple cinnamon oatmeal on alternating mornings, occasionally adding some applesauce and rice cereal. I just can't do it, especially on school days when it would have been Shelby, Jeffrey and I. Shelby and I now just eat an early lunch in the living room and I just give her some chocolate milk and a granola bar in the morning to eat in front of the TV....Then to load everyone in the car with that silly empty seat where his car seat used to be and the somber 35 minute drive dreading what is to come. We go into the church where we said our good byes, pass the nursery where Jeffrey should go to play, face all the people that don't know what to say, see all the families without the huge hole ours has,, the little boys that Jeffrey should have grown up with. Then there's the songs, I still haven't found one that doesn't bring tears. So why do we go back. It's all we have to cling to. It's who we are. It's the legacy we want to leave for our family, and we are afraid that if we just take a break it will be too easy to not go back...and we do have these three other kids...So Saturday night we made a plan. We were going to go to church, to our church. We were going to go and do our best to make it all about Him and not sit there and feel sorry for ourselves and we actually woke up excited. I asked for prayers on FB and could actually feel them lifting us up. I am so thankful for all of our friends who truly pray on our behalf. And  while I still cried...a lot, it was more about worship and less about sadness. It was very healing to be there, to see it in a different way, to feel the love of God, of our pastor and his wife and our church family. God still knows what we need and when we need it. He never promised it would be easy, but He did promise He would carry us through. "This is what it is to be Held"~Thanks Michelle  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw

Chicken

Today we went to Wal~Mart. Have I mentioned how much I hate going to Wal~Mart? It just sends me into overload. We hadn't planned on stopping there. I thought I could make it. Just milk and flour... There are just so many things in there I will never get to buy for Jeffrey again: toys, clothes, Goldfish, cheese, yogurt, Quaker oatmeal with apples and cinnamon...chicken. Today Shelby wanted some popcorn chicken so we started towards the deli. Jeff went a different direction to find things on his list. I felt as if I had a hundred pound sack loaded on me as I waited for our turn. And then when I handed the chicken to Shelby she said what was consuming my mind. "Jeffrey's not here to eat chicken." "no he's not" I said, and searched desperately for Jeff. I felt like a kid lost in a store. Everything was spinning and I was actually scared. I backed myself into a corner and texted wru? Thankfully when I looked up he was there...and done so we could go. Next time I am waiting in the car.
 I was left with a crawly feeling the rest of the day and finally went to the bathroom to cry. I'm not much of a crier and I don't like to cry in front of anyone,especially Jeff because I don't want to bring him down if he is having an up day. But I just needed a little cry. Only, once I started, I thought I would never be able to stop. For the first time I began to see his face so clearly, his mannerisms, our habits together. I thought of when he was still inside of me. I thought if I could only turn back time! Complete despair took over and I'm not sure how long I'd been there or if I would have been able to drag myself up had it not been for Shelby. She walked in and told me she was tired, so I quickly turned off the light so she couldn't tell I was upset and just sucked it up for her and got her ready for bed. 
Shelby mentions Jeffrey often. Yesterday while on the potty, she said "Jeffrey can't use the potty". "No", I said, "he can't." "I can teach him" "Yes, baby, you can teach him. You are a big girl and a good sister to Jeffrey." She often says " I miss Jeffrey" I say "I miss Jeffrey too" Sometimes we cry, sometimes we just move on. One day she asked me several times if it was time to go see Jeffrey . It caught me so off guard. I finally decided if she asked again I would tell her Jesus lives so far away that we can't drive to where he is, so we have to wait for Jesus to come and get us. I think things would be more simple if we took everything at such face value, so literally, so trusting like a child. So far, she has not asked that again. Today she asked me if Jeffrey would be back in a few minutes. I so wish I could tell her yes! She has been so cheated out of growing up with her brother. Out of all the playtime and mischief. They loved each other so much and were so fun to watch together.
When will I wake up from this horrible nightmare? When will someone tell me it was all a cruel joke? I'm tired of being strong! I'm tired of being sad! It's not fair! Sure we smile, we laugh, we tell jokes. But that is just on the outside. Inside, we are crushed into a million pieces that can never possibly be put back together again!

2 Corinthians 1:1-11 (rewritten)

"This letter is from the Paul , Freitag's, chosen by the will of God to be an apostle followers of Christ Jesus, and from our brother Timothy.  I am writing to God's church in Corinth all of our friends and family near and far who have supported, loved and prayed for us and to all of his holy people throughout Greece other people who may come upon this writing.  May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace.  All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all of our comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles  mourning and bitter sorrow and all the thoughts and feelings that come with the loss of our sweet child. So that we can comfort others who have experienced such a severe loss. When they other parents are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even though we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your  the comfort and salvation of others. For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you  other grieving parents can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you  others share in our sufferings, you they will also share in the comfort God gives us. We think you ought to know dear brothers and sisters about the trouble we went through in the Provence of Asia  in the loss of our son. We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought, and at times still do think, we would never live through it. In fact, we expected to die. But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God ,who raises the dead. And he did rescue us and he will rescue us again  continue to do so.  And you are helping us by praying for us . Then many people will give thanks because God has graciously answered so many prayers for our safety of mind and spirit and from Satan who tries anew each day to find a foothold in our sorrow."

 2 Corinthians 1:1-11  NLT

Note:

All words underlined are added by me.

All words struck through are words of Paul included in the Bible.

Nothing has been completely omitted or changed without note.

Paul

I have thought a lot about the apostle Paul these last weeks. He, like Job, led a very strained life. The main difference being that Job's affliction struck all at once and Paul endured affliction all of his days as a Christian. In 2 Corinthians 6:4-5 Paul lists some of the things he has gone through. "In everything we do we try to show that we are true ministers of God. We patiently endure troubles and hardships and calamities of every kind. We have been beaten, been put in jail, faced angry mobs, worked to exhaustion, endured sleepless nights, and gone without food. " I have always heard it said of Paul how strong and faithful he was to keep his faith despite all of the toils he encountered. But after the extreme blow that we ourselves have encountered I would venture to say that he didn't remain strong and faithful at all despite what he went through, but because of what he went through. I would venture to say that Paul was a very weak man. Only because of the misery he endured, God's strength was shown through him. "But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10  (paul speaking) To be broken in such a way that there is no way but up, is to realize that you have nothing to do but rest in God's arms and allow Him to work through you. You quickly realize how utterly worthless you are, how weak and needy. Any strength seen in Paul, or in us, are not to be attributed to Paul or to us, but what is being seen through our troubles is the perfect strength of God!

I could never hope to accomplish all that Paul did in his life, but I know I serve the same God! And the same God that brought him through all of his troubles and allowed him to write the majority of the New Testament will surely show himself also through my weakness. I choose Him, because He first chose me. I have no strength to do much of anything for Him right now. I just rest in his arms allowing Him to comfort me. I don't know how long this will go on, but I know He says

 ¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 ²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
 ³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
 ⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

Now is our time to mourn and weep over what was Jeffrey's time to die. But with this comes the assurance that there will also be a time for us to heal, and laugh, dance, and be built up.

Anniversaries

Today, Jeff and I have been married for 15 years and Jeffrey has been with Jesus for one month. Surely the most sorrowful anniversaries we've ever had. We have been through many trying times and many wonderful times but none compares to what we are going through now. The days do seem to be getting more consistently bearable though not much pleasure comes. Jeff can't sleep for nightmares and looming thoughts. I know he finds solace at work. Men are fortunate to not have multi-tasking minds. But, I think he is worse off for pushing the thoughts and pain aside rather than confronting them and feeling them as they come. I read last night that God cannot fill the hole left by the death of a child, that it is meant to be there as a permanent bond between you and the child. Certainly God can do whatever he pleases, but I strangely like this idea. It gives thought of the pain being something of Jeffrey to hold on to. I love to cling to anything I can of him. Nothing could near compare to the warmth and softness of his body, the sound of his laughter and the sweetness of his breath, but I have to take what I can get now. Pictures, memories, unfilled clothes, diaper cream, dirty diapers still in the pail...the pain. The pain, the hole left inside is a piece of him I can take everywhere I go. Strangely comforting. It is all strange. None of it should be. Distractions seem to be the best medicine for now. Busyness. This week the snow and researching TVs and cabinets to fill the spot where the piano used to be have kept me busy. I regret every moment I felt burdened by the chore of four children, every time I complained. What I wouldn't trade to have things back the same... only not the same. I would let my house crumble around me just to sit and play all day. Yet, now in my pity, I have little desire to play with the girls. Sometimes it just doesn't seem right to have fun. Sometimes I just can't be so still that the thoughts come. Always, I just can't stand that Jeffrey isn't here to play too. I have found myself lately waiting for the rest of my family to go. I used to worry so much about Jeff going out on the snowy roads. Now I just accept the fact that he will go when God calls and not a minute sooner or later and there is no amount of worry that can change that. I think I would be happy for him if he got to go and be with Jeffrey and maybe I would be comforted to know he was there taking care of him. I would be terribly jealous, as I am sure that I will be stuck here into my 90's to long for him. How can I ever be a comfort or blessing to someone else feeling like this. I guess I will just wait for the roller coaster to go up again. I sure do love and miss my Jeffrey! "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it sure makes the rest of you lonely." ~Charlie Brown