"I'm so glad you are doing better"

Ok. Here is my new least favorite thing for someone to say to me. "I'm so glad you are doing better." "I'm glad you are you again" "I'm glad your voice sounds more cheerful again."Why does this bother me so much? It's not an ugly thing to say, but I feel as if someone has punched me in the stomach when they say it. : P I have worked through a lot of "stuff" emotions, thoughts, spiritual battles. I can breathe again where as immediately after Jeffrey died, it seemed such a chore. I have made tremendous headway in the grieving process and I guess I could honestly say "I am doing better". But I am also still very much grieving. I get so tired of the manic depressive tendencies of this grief process. One day (or moment) I will be on top of the world and the next in the pits of despair. I have never liked roller coasters and I am not pleased to be on this one that just never ends! I will say the good days do come and I couldn't have imagined that they would two months ago.

 

But even on the best days, I will be caught off guard with the most tedious things that remind me of the vastness of our loss. Last week one day I stopped in the hall to look at one of Jeffrey's pictures. I stroked his little cheeks and legs and arms. I was a little sad, but sucked it up and let Shelby out to play on the swing while I made our lunch. I got a message on my phone that I don't even remember what it said now, but it broke the flood gates and I could not stop crying. I thought of how I should be making his lunch too. While we sat outside to eat,enjoying the beautiful day, I thought he should be here running around and feeding his lunch to the dogs, and playing with Shelby in the sand box and swinging, and getting scrapes and bruises.

 

Shelby has a new joy in peeing in the grass and I think of how much Jeff and I had talked about this summer and after the hardship of having two babies and how restricting that can be this would be the summer that Jeffrey and Shelby would be a lot less work and what fun we would have going to the river, playing outside, and just enjoying our family. I had so looked forward to potty training a boy. He should be the one here peeing in the grass.

 

I remember thinking, I've got you now God, Your word says "I can do all things through Christ who stregtheneth me" Phil 4:13 and "With God all things are possible" Matthew 19:26b, but although You have brought me quickly through all of the questions of grieving, the why's and how's and given me hope and strength, there is something that is not possible even with you. I will never be able to stop missing Jeffrey. There will always be a longing in my heart for him. What about that!? WARNING! If you have a question for God, be prepared for an answer. So I went back to Phillipians 4:13 to see what the surrounding text said because we so often take one verse and twist it to mean something we want it to, when it doesn't really say that at all. Here's what I got when there is a promise or truth from God, there is something we must do first to recieve it. Starting simply with the famous John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life" Right there in that, it says the promise for eternal life is for those who believe, that is our responsibility in the promise. But here for what I was going through Philippians 4 is a perfect example of this. I will put the whole passage below if you want to read it, but here I am going to put it in Sara terms.

First, I am promised the peace of God. But in the previous 3 verses I am told to 1.) Rejoice in the Lord. 2.)Show Gentleness 3.) Handle everything with prayer instead of worry.

 

Second, God's promise is "I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength", but my responsibility is 1.)to think only true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy things. (So, while I believe God strongly supports my sadness and grief, I don't think he supports, my self-pity and condemnation) 2.)DO! the things He has taught me to do thus far. I don't believe I am responsible for all of the things I do not knowing they are wrong, but if I have been taught better than that, I am to be doing better than that! So when I get so discouraged, I need to think on all of the lessons he has taught me through this and act accordingly. 3.)Be content in my circumstances. I have to accept that this is God's calling in my life and realize that through this suffering He is drawing me closer to Him. This reminds me both of the verse in Job that I go to often "What? Shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" He provides in both circumstances plenty and want. So, here I am thinking I can never stop missing Jeffrey through Christ, but here I am forgetting to rejoice, forgetting to think about good things and sitting instead in self pity, forgetting everything God has taught me so far and not choosing to trust He is not done yet! And, I am longing for a different life, one where I have some control over my happiness instead of being content where He has put me and trusting He really does know better even when it sure seems contrary.

 

Third, I am promised God will meet all my needs according to His riches in glory! How easy it is to take that an run! But my responsibility is first to give, give, give! I should be concerned about others needs even more than my own and give all I have, and if that was every last piece of dirt I owned and I did it for God, there is nothing that would ever compare to what He would have in store whether it be temporary things here or eternal things there. Matthew 19:29 "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall recieve an hundred-fold, and shall inherit everlasting life." I may or may not ever be called to give every material possession I own, and it was not my choice to give Jeffrey, but I think God knew he was vastly more dear to me than all of that and since he was taken, I have made a choice to let this be for His name's sake and I know as long as that is my stand, He will be in it!

So, in conclusion, I won't ever stop missing Jeffrey...here. But as long as I have hope in Christ, I know there will be a day that I won't miss him anymore because I will be reunited with him for eternity! And that is something that is ONLY POSSIBLE WITH GOD! How awesome is that!

 

P.S. Just in case you are trying to think if you are the one who said I'm glad you are doing better, you aren't! : )

 

 

 

 ⁴ Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

⁵ Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.
⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
 ⁸ Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
 ⁹ Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

 ¹⁰ I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it.

¹¹ I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹² I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.

¹³ I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

 ¹⁴ Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles.
¹⁵ Moreover, as you Philippians know, in the early days of your acquaintance with the gospel, when I set out from Macedonia, not one church shared with me in the matter of giving and receiving, except you only;
¹⁶ for even when I was in Thessalonica, you sent me aid again and again when I was in need.
¹⁷ Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account.
¹⁸ I have received full payment and even more; I am amply supplied, now that I have received from Epaphroditus the gifts you sent. They are a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God.
 ¹⁹ And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

The Rest of the Story....

Post Script: After I finished this blog post, I went to my FB page and found a lengthy heartfelt note from another good friend who, you guessed it, I don't get to spend near as much time with as I'd like to. Then as I was taking the girls to a friends house to stay while I went to my Grief Share group, I couldn't help but tell all of this to my girls and assure them that there would be a time in their lives when they felt alone and helpless and there is Someone who will be there anytime of night or day who would absolutely love to be the one they turn to! He is just waiting on us. How much we hate to see our children in pain and want them to come to us for help. How much greater is God that He is also longing for us to ask Him, to realize He is the only answer to our every problem! How much more able is He to provide for our every need than we are for our children. We are human. We fail. He does NOT! Never, not once. We just have to choose Him! I could have so easily this morning picked up the phone, but no friend I could have called could have given me the day God did. I have spent so many days, well years, trying to do everything myself, thinking I was so competent. I am so thankful that I have been broken enough to realize how completely incompetent I am. He is the very air I draw into my body, the very water I drink and I hope that never goes away. Now that I've lost most of you and others that are still reading are thinking I am crazy let me reassure you that I am. After I got back in the van to drive to Grief Share, I turned up the radio to 101.1 KLRC and although I don't know many of the songs on there well enough to sing, I knew the one that was playing and began to sing along and God began to pour Himself into me. His presence came over me in a way that made me feel like my chest would explode and that if someone were to look over at me, my face would be glowing as if it had a light bulb inside of it and I felt as if I had lights shooting from the ends of my fingers. Then He began to speak into my soul so many things I can't even list them all, but to name a couple, He brought to mind my dear friend Sharla Vaughn who passed away shortly after Shelby was born. He brought to my mind of when I met Sharla and I was a really messed up teenager and she never seemed to notice, how she spoke God to me without ever once mentioning His name, and how she looked passed the mess I was in and saw me for who I was on the inside. I remembered her fondly for a minute and then God spoke "that is the way I see you too." Because Jesus died for me and because I have chosen to rest in Him, He only sees my heart. He knows my intentions even when my actions don't match up. He sees the mess I am in right now, and HE CARES! Then He brought back the night Jeffrey died and how when I put him to bed I always brushed his teeth and then walked into his room and held him close and swayed gently as I sang Jesus Loves Me to  him. But that night, I held him in my arms until his fever went down and he was sleeping and then laid him in his bed, no song. But that night, he didn't need me to tell him how much Jesus loved him,  because that night Jesus told him himself! And today, man did Jesus ever tell me the same thing. If you have never felt that overwhelming presence of God, I am so sorry. You are so missing out. But you can. God is not a God of rules and a strong arm. He is a God of love and grace and he has enough of it for every person He ever knit together in their mothers womb...plus two that He didn't. : ) All you have to do is believe in Him and then choose to rest in Him. Trust Him. Let Him take all the STUFF! We are so weak, even when we don't want to admit it, but He is so so Strong and he wants to take it all! All you have to do is ask. Then I say read the Bible and pray. Let Him tell you about Himself. He will tell everyone something different because He knows us well enough to know what we need. Sometimes the Bible can seem so boring and hard to understand, but if you just get in it, it is amazing what He will tell you both while you are reading and later by bringing it back to mind. I love my King James Bible, but I recommend a Living or New Living Translation when you are starting to read it. I recommend getting a Chronological Bible which had about 3-4 pages marked to read every day of the year or another one that has daily readings because it gives you somewhere to start every day and then you can go from there. But that gives you a habit and a place to start. The FBC of Elkins started that this year and I could have never known how it would impact my life. I am not any different from anyone reading this. I was not raised in a Christian home. I have made many tremendous mistakes in my life and continue to fail daily. The only way I may be different from you is that I have chosen Him every day, every moment I choose Him. Please don't wait until some tragedy in your life to choose Him. Learn from my tragedy. Experience that fullness in your chest and light beaming from your fingers. He will do it for you! I do realize I sound crazy and this is so out of my character, He just wants you to choose Him!

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Let me tell you a little bit about my best  friend. This morning I was feeling very lonely, missing Jeffrey. I was trying to think of who I could call that I wouldn't be bothering at work and couldn't think of anyone. At this point I think, Jesus isn't busy. He always has time for me. "Lord, you are all I need. Please come visit with me and keep me company today." Feeling somewhat better instantly, I went into Jeffrey's room to sort through some pictures which is good for me to do when I am missing him because all the memories make me smile. Then God began to work. The phone rang. A very pleasant and talkative friend (you know who you are: )) was on the other end and we visited for quite a while. I went back to finish my pictures and about the time I did, the phone rang again; another friend making plans for dinner tomorrow night. About 10 minutes after I got off the phone with her, it rang again and I was greeted by another very talkative friend who said she had meant to invite me for lunch and forgot, but wanted to know if I could meet her tomorrow and then she shared with me for the duration of her lunch break. I put up a load of laundry and called back the first friend who I had just realized had provided me with a task that could keep me distracted for some time to ask her if it was okay to take that over. She obliged :) and we had another lengthy phone call, after which I played with Shelby for a while, shared a nap with her and went to get the girls from school. When we got back from school I opened the mailbox as usual to find a very large package  stuffed in there from an unknown name. I opened it up and inside was a beautiful handmade quilt square. It had many tiny little triangles sewn together into an "Arkansas Star".  On the back it is dedicated in memory of Jeffrey Allen Freitag and contained his birth and death dates with a picture of Winnie the Pooh and read "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take." complete with a rod and brackets for hanging. I was overwhelmed. How incredibly special that was an what a labor of love for a stranger. It turns out it was made by the mother of my uncle's significant other in California. She's never even met me, although obviously her sweet daughter has had me on her heart and has shared with her. As for the phone calls, my phone rarely rings during the day and when it  does it's a Dr's office with a reminder or a telemarketer. All three of these ladies that called today rarely dial my number. That's how my Best Friend works! He puts things in order that could not be random coincidence. If you haven't already you should really meet Him! His name is Jesus! He will do the exact same thing for you!

I feel like also metioning here another very noteable time Jesus has done this for me, even though it isn't related to Jeffrey in any way. In the middle of the night once as a teenager, I found myself distraught and without a friend. I didn't have any dealings with family at this point and my two best friends had both moved away and I had just found my boyfriend with another girl. I was so alone and although I hadn't actually given my life over to Jesus at that point, He was leading me firmly in that direction. I prayed to him to send me a friend, someone, anyone! The very next morning an old friend showed up at the door out of nowhere and wanted to hang out! We spent almost every day together for months until I met my future hubby and got into church and came to know my new Best Friend in a more real way! Some may think this is all random, but I know with everything in me it is absolutely not! So thank you to every one of these people that have allowed God to use them to brighten my days. I will never forget you and certainly not Him!

A New Perspective

 Early on after Jeffrey went to be with Jesus, I began to think of that girl that was kidnapped when she was quite young and this guy kept her in tents for years and did awful things to her. Happily, she was eventually reunited with her family. I saw on tv one day a psychologist trying to expain why she stayed even though she had opportunities to escape. They said something about how a captive becomes dependent on their captor and they form a strange bond. They become so beaten down that they just submit. I don't dare compare God to such an evil man, but I felt this way in the beginning. I felt like God had dealt me such a severe blow that I had nothing to do but look up and say "yes, Lord? Tell me what it is and I will do it." This is one of my biggest struggles since his death. Trying to reason why my God who loves me enough to die for me would allow such a thing to pass through His hands that would cause me such pain.

We did a women's Bible study this year on Philippians. One of the biggest impacts God impressed on me out of this was to change our perspectives on our situations. We often can't change our situation, but we can change our perspective. Often...before...I would feel discouraged and I would just begin to thank God for the good things. I remember one day feeling so discouraged I started with what I didn't have like I am not ill, my husband doesn't run around on me or hang out at the bars, I'm not homeless or abused and then over the course of the prayer I realized how truly blessed I was. My perspective had been changed. My pity party would end. But, how do I change my perspective about Jeffrey being gone? How can I find joy in that? 

 I have been reading about Moses leading the children of Israel into the Promised Land. Over and over the Israelites quickly forget all of the miracles and provisions God has given and they would complain often mumbling about why Moses has led them out of Egypt only to starve or thirst to death or be killed by the wrath of God. Aren't we just like that? I know I am. After all God has done for me, how can I now ask why he has brought me through life and saved me from my sins only to crush me under the great sadness of losing my sweet boy? The disciples, the very ones that spent so much time with Jesus in person, were no different. Jesus told them  ^" Now I am going to him who sent me, yet none of you asks me, 'Where are you going?'  Because I have said these things, you are filled with grief.  But I tell you the truth: It is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Counsellor will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. John 16:5-7 The discipes were filled with grief because Jesus was going away. They could not see past that. (But really who could fathom what Jesus had in store for us by leaving this world.) We are the same way. We get so overwhelmed with our trials, we can't see past it.  Death is sad. We invest ourselves in the people we love and it is a great loss when they go away even if we have the assurance we will see them again. Now, stricken with grief, I have to  trust that it is for my good that I am going through this. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 He has a greater plan. "Where wast thou when I laid the foundations of the earth? declare, if thou hast understanding." Job 38:4
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. " John 16:33 Jesus tells us we WILL have trouble. We think the ones that are blessed of God are the ones that live fast and fabulous lives free from any trouble. But over the last couple of months, through many hours in my Bible and several books, I now think differently. One of the men I would say had the greatest relationship with God was Paul. He also suffered much agony. God didn't bring him this agony as punishment, but to call him to draw near to Him. Would we really seek God intimately and long to join Him in heaven if our lives were filled only with joy? Are any great life changes developed without suffering? I think for me one of the most life changing events was having children. What if in the middle of labor, I just said, Nope! That is way too much pain! I'm done!?  What wonderful blessings I would have missed out on! I  may or may not ever see any good come of Jeffrey's death while I am here on this earth, but the calling of God for me to draw near to Him will be worth it after all!

I can honestly say before Jeffrey died, I was never in a real hurry to get to heaven. Sure I wanted that to be my final destination, but this life has been pretty good for me and seemingly better all the time. I looked forward to watching all of my kids grow up and having grandkids, all the kids and their spouses around the table at Christmas, maybe a little traveling. Who knows! Life is good! Right? I'm not so sure anymore. I am careful to make necessary preparations for tomorrow, but keep a keen sense that tomorrow may never come. Maybe not for me, maybe not for someone I love, maybe not at all.   I have come to realize there is nothing in this world that we are given that we can hold onto. Nothing! The only thing I can grasp that can't be taken away from me is Jesus! Every other thing or person that I ever hold dear in this life will one day be gone, but no one can reach in and take what is in my heart. And, the day I take my last breath it will be worth it all! "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18 I am not promised tomorrow here, but I am promised life in eternity if my hope is in Him. I always thought my hope was in Him. It was in a way, but honestly, it was also in my children, in my husband, in my friends, in things, in cheap entertainment. All these added joy to my life. I hoped in them to put joy in my life. But by doing this, my joy was so fragile! All it took (as if it is a small thing) was losing Jeffrey and my world completely crumbled. My foundation had been laid on my children. They were my hope for the future. After such a devestating blow, my only comfort is found in God alone. It is only through the suffering that I could really experience intimacy with Him. I've been seeking a relationship with Him for over 15 years.  But I admit, my relationship was so shallow. I always thought it was okay because I was showing Christ by being a good wife and mother and starting a new legacy for my family without drugs and alcohol and divorce, like He called me to do and He understood how time consuming that was and that I would catch up on my Bible reading and prayer after things settled down. God wants to change us into something that we would never become if left to ourselves. He doesn't wish for us temporary happiness and satisfaction, He wants eternal joy and true contentment that we can get only by seeking Him. "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you." Matthew 6:33 We all love our children. We want the best for them, but that doesn't mean we give them everything they want. We know that some things will hurt them and we know that giving in to every whim will lead them to be brats and eventually will likely lead to very poor life choices. We ask them to trust us to make these choices for them because we know better. God does the same. Even when we can't see it, even when we feel like that teenager who's life is crushed because they aren't allowed to go to the party of the year or the toddler that throws a fit because they can't have another piece of candy, even when we feel completely abandoned and sent to our rooms alone as punishment, God is there.
God is sovereign. He has supreme, permanent power over us all. The sooner I can realize this and stop wandering around trying to do everthing on my own the better off I will be. I have to trust Him to exercise this. When I found myself at the end of my rope, when all sense of self-sufficiency was gone, it was then that I was humbled enough to know He was the one in charge. I had to give up my rights and offer myself totally up to Him. Jeffrey's death has brought me to my knees. I would have never yeilded myself to God in this way had this not happened.
"Solomon, a man who had experienced every pleasure in life, who sought out and followed every desire man can have, concluded, "sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart" Ecclesiastes 7:3 Could it be sorrow provides true nourishment for the heart, while sunshine and laughter are of no nutrutional value? Could it be laughter creates a temporary sweet taste with no substance? Could it be it is through sorrow the heart grows? Could it be that sorrow provides the protein and vitamins making the strong body, while laughter provides the sugar or fat?
 Oswald Chambers said, "As long as we get from God everything we ask, we never get to know Him." Is it possible to have an intimate relationship with the Savior outside of the experience of suffering and tribulation. This conclusion is the exact opposite of what our worldly minds would seek to conclude. Our nature would tell us the blessed of God are those whos lives are grand, free from hardship. However,  I suggest the blessed of God are those who have an intimate relationship with Christ, those who "know" Him.
Are we willing or able to give up the sunshine to endure the storm? As we look to nature, we are able to see where constant sunshine delivers a parched ground while the storm brings the rain that yields growth and an abundance of fruit. Is it so in our spiritual lives? I suggest it is. Am I willing to weather the storm to "know" Him?" ~ "Trusting God through the Tears" by Jehu Thomas Burton
So from here comes my new perspective. I have temporarily lost my son for a chance to really know God. Not in a casual acquantance sort of way, but in a deep intimate the source of my sould kind of way! Does that make me long for Jeffrey any less? No! Does that make me miss him any less or glad that this happened? Certainly not! But am I thankful that God loved me enough to say "Hey Sara, draw near to me. Allow me to share with you my very being. Allow me to be not just part of your life, but all of your life!"? You Bet! And although for a time, my desire to go to heaven was based mostly on seeing my sweet Jeffrey again, for the first time ever I truly long to go to heaven and just sit down with Jesus and get to know him more than I will ever be able to here. I hope that both Jesus and Jeffrey will be held close to my heart so much so that I feel that they are both with me here each day until I can go and be with them.