Friday, July 27, 2012

Happy Birthday, Jeffrey!

 Despite keeping busy, it was much harder than I expected. It's hard not to reflect on a child's birthday how much they have changed from the year before. So, for me, I can't help but just imagine....everything. Would he still have blond hair? Or would it have started turning dark like Ashley and Shelby's? Would it have all fallen out and turned black like Jeff's or red like Emily's =O!? Would he be potty trained? Would he have a full vocabulary? Would he love the outdoors? What would be his favorite food or toy or cartoon? There is so much I didn't get to know about him... and of course won't. So most days I just picture him as my 17 month old blond hair blue eyed boy. He loved bread dipped in ranch, yogurt, cheese and was very good with a spoon. He would give me an earful if Shelby was mistreating him, but would mostly tolerate it. He loved to put his little hands around my neck and drink his milk with a little evaporated milk added for fat and flavor. =) I weep for the misadventures he and Shelby never had and selfishly for this Mama who will never see her boy grow up.

Sometimes I feel weak. I feel like I shouldn't still hurt so bad after so long. I've lost so many others including my Mom, Pepa, and Sharla who I thought hung the moon. But nothing compares. I'm not just one to sit around in a pity party. And, normally I get through the day pretty well. But, let me tell you it just sucks!!! There is NOTHING that compares to losing a child. He was supposed to be in my life for the rest of my life. That was my commitment to him as his mother. That was my expectation. I am not one to deal well with "changed plans." And this is the ULTIMATE changed plan and I'm just not ever going to get over it. Part of me struggles with that and thinks if I were just a little stronger... Then I look around at some wonderful STRONG people that have lost children.... Like the Stahmans. I'm still as amazed every time I see one of them as I was the day they walked in my door after Jeffrey died. I just remember thinking. There they are, after all these years and they are alive and healthy and (half-way) sane! ;) They've made it and I can too! But they still cry, they still miss their babies and mourn the milestones, they still wonder who those boys would have been. After 18 years!!!!! And so many others who are part of this sorry club. We will always hurt, but we are all strong even when we feel weak. If we weren't we wouldn't have made it this far. So that is my self talk for the day! Took me all day to work through that!
I will mention a couple of "ironic" things that happened today for those of you that may believe in "signs" of some sort. My first pang of sadness hit while I was in the car this morning in the Chick-Fil-A parking lot. As I quickly dismissed it, I heard the words on the radio from a JJ Heller song
"I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands"

Then as I got in the car with some balloons to send Jeffrey's birthday wishes off on, "Fly to Jesus" was on the radio.

A couple of other very appropriate and timely events occurred and I can only attribute it to all of my wonderful friends and family who I know covered us in prayer all day. He still answers them! Even when it's just flat not the way we want Him to.
"Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still"

We love you madly and miss you desperately Jeffrey!!!!
That's just something that I am going to accept as an everyday truth from now on. It takes too much energy to pretend I don't and stuff it all down. When I am weak, He is strong! And I'd rather exude His strength than my own any day!

1 comment:

  1. How wonderful that I get to share a birthday with such a sweet little angel. I'm a lucky girl. I have been praying for you and will continue!