Dreams

 I wish I could just be someone else for a day, someone who has not felt the loss, the pain, someone who isn't haunted. Even if I could just be me....before. It's no wonder in history the timeline uses B.C. and A.D. as a measurement. As much as losing Jeffrey has changed me and I find myself referring to before and after to gauge events, certainly Christ before, during, and after are gains and losses much greater and  important to all mankind. I had a dream about Jeffrey about a week ago. I dreamed I put him in daycare and after an extended period of time, I thought what am I doing! Here I am just sitting at home and I miss him!!! So I went to pick him up and they couldn't find him and I began to panic. Just then, they found him in one of the rooms and he came running and wrapped his little arms around my neck. It was beautiful. As I was checking him out he ran off to play and when I went to gather him to leave I only got to see him from behind as I was going towards him before I woke up. For a moment after waking, I was disoriented and all was right. I was relieved that I hadn't really left him at daycare and that he was safe here with me and then I came to myself and realized all was not right at all. What a miserable day that was. Carrying around tears ready to burst at every moment. But at the same time, it was wonderful to feel so close to him, to have seen and felt every part of him just as he was. To renew the memories that have faded.  I don't pretend to think I am the only human on earth suffering or that my sufferings outweigh anyone else's. To each man, his pain is the worst. And I don't pretend to think because I have been dealt such a blow that my suffering is over...quite the contrary.