....but the flesh is weak

"The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Matthew 26:41b

 My flesh is especially weak today. My heart is heavy with longing to hold you. I know you wouldn't want to come back, but I would love for all of my praying friends to tell Jesus there is an emergency down here and He needs to send you back to take care of it. Seems silly, but I can't convince myself it's impossible.

"Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

"You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it." Matthew 21:22

"You don't have enough faith," Jesus told them. "I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it would move. Nothing would be impossible." Matthew 17:20

I love you, buddy! I can't wait for that day!!!!

Happy Birthday, Jeffrey!

 Despite keeping busy, it was much harder than I expected. It's hard not to reflect on a child's birthday how much they have changed from the year before. So, for me, I can't help but just imagine....everything. Would he still have blond hair? Or would it have started turning dark like Ashley and Shelby's? Would it have all fallen out and turned black like Jeff's or red like Emily's =O!? Would he be potty trained? Would he have a full vocabulary? Would he love the outdoors? What would be his favorite food or toy or cartoon? There is so much I didn't get to know about him... and of course won't. So most days I just picture him as my 17 month old blond hair blue eyed boy. He loved bread dipped in ranch, yogurt, cheese and was very good with a spoon. He would give me an earful if Shelby was mistreating him, but would mostly tolerate it. He loved to put his little hands around my neck and drink his milk with a little evaporated milk added for fat and flavor. =) I weep for the misadventures he and Shelby never had and selfishly for this Mama who will never see her boy grow up.

Sometimes I feel weak. I feel like I shouldn't still hurt so bad after so long. I've lost so many others including my Mom, Pepa, and Sharla who I thought hung the moon. But nothing compares. I'm not just one to sit around in a pity party. And, normally I get through the day pretty well. But, let me tell you it just sucks!!! There is NOTHING that compares to losing a child. He was supposed to be in my life for the rest of my life. That was my commitment to him as his mother. That was my expectation. I am not one to deal well with "changed plans." And this is the ULTIMATE changed plan and I'm just not ever going to get over it. Part of me struggles with that and thinks if I were just a little stronger... Then I look around at some wonderful STRONG people that have lost children.... Like the Stahmans. I'm still as amazed every time I see one of them as I was the day they walked in my door after Jeffrey died. I just remember thinking. There they are, after all these years and they are alive and healthy and (half-way) sane! ;) They've made it and I can too! But they still cry, they still miss their babies and mourn the milestones, they still wonder who those boys would have been. After 18 years!!!!! And so many others who are part of this sorry club. We will always hurt, but we are all strong even when we feel weak. If we weren't we wouldn't have made it this far. So that is my self talk for the day! Took me all day to work through that!
I will mention a couple of "ironic" things that happened today for those of you that may believe in "signs" of some sort. My first pang of sadness hit while I was in the car this morning in the Chick-Fil-A parking lot. As I quickly dismissed it, I heard the words on the radio from a JJ Heller song
"I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands"

Then as I got in the car with some balloons to send Jeffrey's birthday wishes off on, "Fly to Jesus" was on the radio.

A couple of other very appropriate and timely events occurred and I can only attribute it to all of my wonderful friends and family who I know covered us in prayer all day. He still answers them! Even when it's just flat not the way we want Him to.
"Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still"

We love you madly and miss you desperately Jeffrey!!!!

That's just something that I am going to accept as an everyday truth from now on. It takes too much energy to pretend I don't and stuff it all down. When I am weak, He is strong! And I'd rather exude His strength than my own any day!

Dreams

 I wish I could just be someone else for a day, someone who has not felt the loss, the pain, someone who isn't haunted. Even if I could just be me....before. It's no wonder in history the timeline uses B.C. and A.D. as a measurement. As much as losing Jeffrey has changed me and I find myself referring to before and after to gauge events, certainly Christ before, during, and after are gains and losses much greater and  important to all mankind. I had a dream about Jeffrey about a week ago. I dreamed I put him in daycare and after an extended period of time, I thought what am I doing! Here I am just sitting at home and I miss him!!! So I went to pick him up and they couldn't find him and I began to panic. Just then, they found him in one of the rooms and he came running and wrapped his little arms around my neck. It was beautiful. As I was checking him out he ran off to play and when I went to gather him to leave I only got to see him from behind as I was going towards him before I woke up. For a moment after waking, I was disoriented and all was right. I was relieved that I hadn't really left him at daycare and that he was safe here with me and then I came to myself and realized all was not right at all. What a miserable day that was. Carrying around tears ready to burst at every moment. But at the same time, it was wonderful to feel so close to him, to have seen and felt every part of him just as he was. To renew the memories that have faded.  I don't pretend to think I am the only human on earth suffering or that my sufferings outweigh anyone else's. To each man, his pain is the worst. And I don't pretend to think because I have been dealt such a blow that my suffering is over...quite the contrary.

Love Me Tender

I just stopped by the cemetery to make sure everything looked the way it should (as is my custom). Maybe a clue I shouldn't have was the giddy gleefulness I've had all morning. Apparently I'm not overly happy, just overly emotional. I'm a wreck now. Funny, or not so much, how I can think I'm fine and then I am just overcome with deep longing for Jeffrey to be near to me. Making sure all of his Valentine's Day decor is in order (which it wasn't)  made me realize her wasn't here to love on this Valentine's Day. My little man....permanently 17 months old in my mind. I can't even imagine what he would be like today. I will just always remember that wobbly walk, the fluffy cheeks, the beautiful soft blond hair. Which then takes me back to him there lifeless that morning. I wish I would have just held him and never let go. I wish I would have squeezed him so tight and pleaded with God so hard that He would have had to send him back to me. ...I wish I would have at least kept a lock of his hair to stroke, sometimes I even think I could have had him pickled or stuffed. Crazy I know....desperate....which reminds me I guess it is desperately time to throw out his diapers.  It seems each day I have less of him. The memories fade, material things deteriorate....moth and rust do destroy and the enemy comes to steal. Life is so fleeting. Stuff is so unimportant. Busyness, I think, is the new root of all evil. It keeps us from what is truly important. Each other. Our loved ones. Serving each other, loving each other Serving and loving God. This Valentine's Day, I know we are supposed to live with no regrets and love like there's no tomorrow, but when your lost love is the regret of the past it becomes so confusing . The rules seem different and obscure. It's like a chronic disease that is always there, but just flares up here and there with no warning. Along with the pain, I still recognize that I am still so blessed with a beautiful family, wonderful friends and regardless of what else comes good or bad a God who loves me just as I am, broken and flawed and sinful, that no one can ever take away. I just pray Lord, you would give Jeffrey a big hug and kiss from me and tell him I miss him and I will be there real soon even though I know on that day, as much as I think it will matter now, it won't matter at all. It will be You I want to see. Jeffrey will be secondary. Lord help me to keep it secondary here too. Let me not be overwhelmed. Let my perspective not be flawed. If I can continually discipline myself to put You first here, the rest will come. Where would I be without You???? I'm certain I wouldn't be at all.