Mother's Day 2011

 Well, I wasn't sure how today would be. I had prepared myself and thought I was gonna lick it, but it was a rough day! Especially starting out. Jeff left at 8:30 this morning to go to Las Vegas for 5 days. I fought back the tears until I got a text from him just saying how he loved me and missed me when we were on the way to church. Emily read it to me and I just started bawling and didn't stop until about half way through the preaching.

We aren't really close to anyone at our church but one dear lady did notice me crying and Jeff not there and sat with me. Another lady came and asked if she could pray with me, so several ladies prayed over me at the altar. It was nice.. and a bit weird. I was thankful. It was the first time anyone has offered to pray with us since Jeffrey has died, although I know they have been praying for us individually. But, I hate to be the center of attention and I hate for people to think I am just sitting around having a pity party for myself. I don't sit around thinking sad things or feeling sorry for myself, but the past few weeks I have had a new surge of emotion. Usually, nothing will even be going through my head or I could even be listening to something happy and I just start bawling. It disturbs me more because I have never been a crier!  I guess it is just all part of it.

 Then I felt guilty about being so distraught because I do have 3 beautiful reasons to celebrate Mother's Day still here with me. Ashley especially tried so hard to make it a good day for me. Bless their hearts! They just didn't know what to do with me crying and I just couldn't get ahold of myself. Here Jeff's gone and I'm supposed to be taking care of them and they are having to take care of me instead! Just when I think I'm doing so good. I just have to remember the truth is I can't handle this at all! I have to just rest in His arms a little longer and wait to be delivered from this mess! I will say although I have still been reading my Bible daily, I haven't been reading as long and I think that has made a difference!

The day did get better after I finally drained my tear bucket. We ran a couple of errands (one to exchange pants for Jeff which didn't help me missin him any!) and came home and watched a movie on Netflix while we ate lunch. Then Shelby and I shoveled some dirt in some trash bags and took it to the cemetery with our rakes and shovels and grass seed to try to make Jeffrey's spot look nicer. Not much of anything will grow in that silly red clay! As I was digging some of it out to replace with dirt, I imagined the cops showing up after someone calling to report me out there digging him up! I'm happy to say the people that go to church down there on Sunday nights and the neighbors are good at minding their own business. =) It looks nicer just with real dirt instead of the clay and hopefully the grass seed will come up. We came home and gave Emily a haircut, Ashley and Emily helped me clean Shelby's room, and after I got her to bed, I helped the big girls clean their room.

So now at the end of the day, I can say it has been very profitable and also that I hope tears don't come in like breast milk with supply and demand because I'm looking for a tear free day tomorrow!

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I have found myself right back in the midst of being weepy and having angry outbursts. I can't even say where they have come from. I can't even verbalize any negative thoughts going on that would cause these feelings. They are just there. =P I feel like I'm walking around with my heart in my stomach. Just when I thought I could manage going on without him, I've had to revert back to taking it one day, or moment at a time. 

Questions

~Steven Curtis Chapman

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I'm confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
that for every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn't there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly
Ohhh Ohhh

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

I love him...and HIM! Jesus and Jeffrey, together forever. =)