Humbled, hopeful, heartbroken. The new normal.

I've been so lonesome for you lately. It's hard to think that you would soon turn five, we would be registering you for kindergarten or at least contemplating it. Maybe I would choose to have my baby at home with me for one more year. I know you would be quite the little gentleman, a hard worker and handsome as ever just like your daddy. I've always wondered if you would've kept that blonde hair. Emily would be excited to not be the only one with a strange hair color. I'm pretty sure those beautiful blue eyes were there to stay. I wonder if Jesus took you to save you from the heartaches this world had in store or if he just needed you for a higher purpose in heaven. Our family is so different without you. We don't often talk about you together but your absence had left us all profoundly changed. Humbled, hopeful, heartbroken. I figure my thoughts of you have gotten about as far apart as they ever will, and that leaves me settled in this new life as I continue on without you. Sometimes you pass through my heart but I suppress the thoughts to hold back the pain. Other times I go looking for the pain in desperation to feel close to you if only for a moment. I long to summon the memories of the way you looked, sounded, smelled and felt in my arms. And those memories leave me not only desiring to know who you'd be if you were here, but also who you are in heaven. I know I could not even comprehend and all my pondering is in vain.  “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your ways. Isaiah 55:8-9 Loving and missing you until we are together again!