School Days

 

 

It's back to school time and it was hard to get my sleepy self out of bed this morning. I made it though and packed the girls lunches, made sure they had breakfast, fixed Shelby's hair and miraculously remembered to pray and take a picture. It wasn't until I neared the door of the primary school that I was reminded of what was missing from the picture. A sweet boy, escorted by his parents, had a kindergarten mat under his arm. I suddenly felt like I had a boa constrictor around my chest. My eyes became hot and wet. Oh but there was no time for that. Suck it up. It's about Shelby right now. It's her first day of first grade. The kindergarten line, the anxious faces, the Boohoo breakfast, the moms boohooing, sweet friends knowing how I feel and being wise enough not to let on so I can make it out of the school without activating one of these land mines. Oh my sweet sweet Jeffrey. I know you would've been so brave, so big and smart, so ready. Maybe you would've wanted me to linger for a few minutes while you got settled in your new class or maybe I would have just done that for me. I am sure I would have gone home to an empty house and cried that all my babies were growing up. But, oh how I would trade that over not experiencing it at all; over the wondering. I made it almost to the gas station before the first tear escaped and rolled down my cheek and contained the rest until I got to the cemetery. There's a baby to be fed, and a house to be cleaned, supper to fix and exciting first day stories to be told. But, I just wanted to take a minute to tell you how much I love you, how desperately I miss you and to allow myself to imagine how it would be if you were here. The LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away: Blessed be the name of the LORD. Job 1:21 You would think sometimes that would be hard to hear, harder to accept. And sometimes, just for a second, my rebellious selfish self will scoff and feel self pity. But then those sweet words of truth take root, gently humble me and remind me that the Lord is in control, that He is always good, and that you are there with Him. And that is so much better than first days of kindergarten. One day closer, sweet boy.

 

Humbled, hopeful, heartbroken. The new normal.

I've been so lonesome for you lately. It's hard to think that you would soon turn five, we would be registering you for kindergarten or at least contemplating it. Maybe I would choose to have my baby at home with me for one more year. I know you would be quite the little gentleman, a hard worker and handsome as ever just like your daddy. I've always wondered if you would've kept that blonde hair. Emily would be excited to not be the only one with a strange hair color. I'm pretty sure those beautiful blue eyes were there to stay. I wonder if Jesus took you to save you from the heartaches this world had in store or if he just needed you for a higher purpose in heaven. Our family is so different without you. We don't often talk about you together but your absence had left us all profoundly changed. Humbled, hopeful, heartbroken. I figure my thoughts of you have gotten about as far apart as they ever will, and that leaves me settled in this new life as I continue on without you. Sometimes you pass through my heart but I suppress the thoughts to hold back the pain. Other times I go looking for the pain in desperation to feel close to you if only for a moment. I long to summon the memories of the way you looked, sounded, smelled and felt in my arms. And those memories leave me not only desiring to know who you'd be if you were here, but also who you are in heaven. I know I could not even comprehend and all my pondering is in vain.  “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your ways. Isaiah 55:8-9 Loving and missing you until we are together again!