Dreams

 I wish I could just be someone else for a day, someone who has not felt the loss, the pain, someone who isn't haunted. Even if I could just be me....before. It's no wonder in history the timeline uses B.C. and A.D. as a measurement. As much as losing Jeffrey has changed me and I find myself referring to before and after to gauge events, certainly Christ before, during, and after are gains and losses much greater and  important to all mankind. I had a dream about Jeffrey about a week ago. I dreamed I put him in daycare and after an extended period of time, I thought what am I doing! Here I am just sitting at home and I miss him!!! So I went to pick him up and they couldn't find him and I began to panic. Just then, they found him in one of the rooms and he came running and wrapped his little arms around my neck. It was beautiful. As I was checking him out he ran off to play and when I went to gather him to leave I only got to see him from behind as I was going towards him before I woke up. For a moment after waking, I was disoriented and all was right. I was relieved that I hadn't really left him at daycare and that he was safe here with me and then I came to myself and realized all was not right at all. What a miserable day that was. Carrying around tears ready to burst at every moment. But at the same time, it was wonderful to feel so close to him, to have seen and felt every part of him just as he was. To renew the memories that have faded.  I don't pretend to think I am the only human on earth suffering or that my sufferings outweigh anyone else's. To each man, his pain is the worst. And I don't pretend to think because I have been dealt such a blow that my suffering is over...quite the contrary.

Love Me Tender

I just stopped by the cemetery to make sure everything looked the way it should (as is my custom). Maybe a clue I shouldn't have was the giddy gleefulness I've had all morning. Apparently I'm not overly happy, just overly emotional. I'm a wreck now. Funny, or not so much, how I can think I'm fine and then I am just overcome with deep longing for Jeffrey to be near to me. Making sure all of his Valentine's Day decor is in order (which it wasn't)  made me realize her wasn't here to love on this Valentine's Day. My little man....permanently 17 months old in my mind. I can't even imagine what he would be like today. I will just always remember that wobbly walk, the fluffy cheeks, the beautiful soft blond hair. Which then takes me back to him there lifeless that morning. I wish I would have just held him and never let go. I wish I would have squeezed him so tight and pleaded with God so hard that He would have had to send him back to me. ...I wish I would have at least kept a lock of his hair to stroke, sometimes I even think I could have had him pickled or stuffed. Crazy I know....desperate....which reminds me I guess it is desperately time to throw out his diapers.  It seems each day I have less of him. The memories fade, material things deteriorate....moth and rust do destroy and the enemy comes to steal. Life is so fleeting. Stuff is so unimportant. Busyness, I think, is the new root of all evil. It keeps us from what is truly important. Each other. Our loved ones. Serving each other, loving each other Serving and loving God. This Valentine's Day, I know we are supposed to live with no regrets and love like there's no tomorrow, but when your lost love is the regret of the past it becomes so confusing . The rules seem different and obscure. It's like a chronic disease that is always there, but just flares up here and there with no warning. Along with the pain, I still recognize that I am still so blessed with a beautiful family, wonderful friends and regardless of what else comes good or bad a God who loves me just as I am, broken and flawed and sinful, that no one can ever take away. I just pray Lord, you would give Jeffrey a big hug and kiss from me and tell him I miss him and I will be there real soon even though I know on that day, as much as I think it will matter now, it won't matter at all. It will be You I want to see. Jeffrey will be secondary. Lord help me to keep it secondary here too. Let me not be overwhelmed. Let my perspective not be flawed. If I can continually discipline myself to put You first here, the rest will come. Where would I be without You???? I'm certain I wouldn't be at all.