Dreams

 I wish I could just be someone else for a day, someone who has not felt the loss, the pain, someone who isn't haunted. Even if I could just be me....before. It's no wonder in history the timeline uses B.C. and A.D. as a measurement. As much as losing Jeffrey has changed me and I find myself referring to before and after to gauge events, certainly Christ before, during, and after are gains and losses much greater and  important to all mankind. I had a dream about Jeffrey about a week ago. I dreamed I put him in daycare and after an extended period of time, I thought what am I doing! Here I am just sitting at home and I miss him!!! So I went to pick him up and they couldn't find him and I began to panic. Just then, they found him in one of the rooms and he came running and wrapped his little arms around my neck. It was beautiful. As I was checking him out he ran off to play and when I went to gather him to leave I only got to see him from behind as I was going towards him before I woke up. For a moment after waking, I was disoriented and all was right. I was relieved that I hadn't really left him at daycare and that he was safe here with me and then I came to myself and realized all was not right at all. What a miserable day that was. Carrying around tears ready to burst at every moment. But at the same time, it was wonderful to feel so close to him, to have seen and felt every part of him just as he was. To renew the memories that have faded.  I don't pretend to think I am the only human on earth suffering or that my sufferings outweigh anyone else's. To each man, his pain is the worst. And I don't pretend to think because I have been dealt such a blow that my suffering is over...quite the contrary.

Love Me Tender

I just stopped by the cemetery to make sure everything looked the way it should (as is my custom). Maybe a clue I shouldn't have was the giddy gleefulness I've had all morning. Apparently I'm not overly happy, just overly emotional. I'm a wreck now. Funny, or not so much, how I can think I'm fine and then I am just overcome with deep longing for Jeffrey to be near to me. Making sure all of his Valentine's Day decor is in order (which it wasn't)  made me realize her wasn't here to love on this Valentine's Day. My little man....permanently 17 months old in my mind. I can't even imagine what he would be like today. I will just always remember that wobbly walk, the fluffy cheeks, the beautiful soft blond hair. Which then takes me back to him there lifeless that morning. I wish I would have just held him and never let go. I wish I would have squeezed him so tight and pleaded with God so hard that He would have had to send him back to me. ...I wish I would have at least kept a lock of his hair to stroke, sometimes I even think I could have had him pickled or stuffed. Crazy I know....desperate....which reminds me I guess it is desperately time to throw out his diapers.  It seems each day I have less of him. The memories fade, material things deteriorate....moth and rust do destroy and the enemy comes to steal. Life is so fleeting. Stuff is so unimportant. Busyness, I think, is the new root of all evil. It keeps us from what is truly important. Each other. Our loved ones. Serving each other, loving each other Serving and loving God. This Valentine's Day, I know we are supposed to live with no regrets and love like there's no tomorrow, but when your lost love is the regret of the past it becomes so confusing . The rules seem different and obscure. It's like a chronic disease that is always there, but just flares up here and there with no warning. Along with the pain, I still recognize that I am still so blessed with a beautiful family, wonderful friends and regardless of what else comes good or bad a God who loves me just as I am, broken and flawed and sinful, that no one can ever take away. I just pray Lord, you would give Jeffrey a big hug and kiss from me and tell him I miss him and I will be there real soon even though I know on that day, as much as I think it will matter now, it won't matter at all. It will be You I want to see. Jeffrey will be secondary. Lord help me to keep it secondary here too. Let me not be overwhelmed. Let my perspective not be flawed. If I can continually discipline myself to put You first here, the rest will come. Where would I be without You???? I'm certain I wouldn't be at all.

And to Imagine That God Gave His Son Willingly 2-1-11

 And to imagine that God gave his son willingly. I've come to think God thought the birth of Jesus more tragic than His death for in death He came home. And home is where my sweet baby is today. Although my heart longs for him desperately, I would not truly wish him out of the arms of Jesus and back into this world of sin. "But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me." 2 Samuel 12:23  David speaking here has rejoined now with his precious son and one day we will rejoin with Jeffrey as well if we keep our faith in the Lord.

Resentment 2-5-11

I've heard a lot about people who get mad at their loved one who died, for leaving them behind. I can't imagine being angry at Jeffrey though. He was too young to have ever done anything worthy of anger...
I've had an awful day. I can't put my finger on what triggered it. Maybe going to town. Maybe coming home. But I found myself with so much pent up emotion and missing Jeffrey in an overwhelming way. So, I decided to watch the videos I have which allow me to both see him and have a good cry. It helped in a way. Then, I just needed to busy myself...to brood. So, I decided to go through all my pictures and sort them according to what albums they would eventually go in. So, I got something accomplished, but now I have just turned angry. The resentment I have is not for the one who died, but for the ones that are left. What makes everyone else so special? Why do they bother me with trivial things? Why do they think I care? Then I get more angry at myself for feeling that way. What kind of person does that make me? What kind of mother does that make me? Not a good one. Me, Sara Freitag, once self-described as a wife and a mother and couldn't be happier, now with anger and resentment towards my own kids.  I am a completely broken and worthless as a person. I just don't know what causes this. And, I don't know how to fix it. And not just them, but the whole world. How can it possibly keep spinning. It surely has a limp now...after something so precious has left it. How could it not? I know I sure do!

That all being vented, now I can say it is on most days that these same people and trivial things that get me through the day. It's only on my bad days that there is no sense to be made of the world. A tragedy so irrational apparently reaps irrational feelings. I just feel I don't even know which way is up.

How are you? 2-17-11

So, how are you?
Well, I avoided that question on purpose, but if you really want to know, not so good. I feel like all the chemical reactions that kinda shelter you from the initial blow of losing a child have worn off and now I am just stuck here trying to figure out what to do with the reality that is my life and trying to fight off depression. I know he is in a better place, I know Gods plans for me are better than ones I could write myself, I know I have three other beautiful children, but none of that seems to make this intense sadness go away. My emotions are pretty much sad, mad, or insane and I have to try to function like a normal person every day. How are you? : )

How many kids do you have?
Well, that depends. Do you want to know how many children live with me? Do you want to know how many living children I have?  Or do you want to know how many times I have been pregnant and where all those kids are now? I thought I had that question all figured out, but it still causes intense panic every time. I wish I could just wear a sign that either said "Don't ask me how many kids I have!" or "My son just died, how do you think I am?" Maybe I should just make up t-shirts that say "I'm not crazy, just grieving." I'm thinking they would go over well. Maybe I could market them through the funeral homes. : ) Ahhh, I feel better now!

Momories 4-20-11

It seems like an eternity since Jeffrey died. At times, it is even as if he was never here at all. Yet, the memory of that tragic day replays in my head often as if it were yesterday. I feel guilty and sad at my lack of memory. How quickly it has faded. The mind really is a funny thing. My short term memory is better than it was. I still find it impossible to read upside down. The letters all look like foreign shapes.
I do well from day to day with the occasional punch in the stomach catching me off guard, like when my friends are picking out their baby a new swimsuit and I am picking out Jeffrey a headstone, or the church doing a new directory, but I just am not ready to have a family picture taken without him. After all he is still part of our family.
I do enjoy talking about him and hope I don't bore people or cause them to feel too uncomfortable. Sometimes, I feel like I just don't fit in anywhere, between having lost a child and the closeness I've found with God, I feel like I alienate people or they are afraid to approach me. I am still just a person. Imperfect, vulnerable, just trying to make it through like everyone else.
But, I just can't let my pity party get started. As much as I like to think it does, the world doesn't revolve around me. It will go on with me or without me and what should I do with myself if I let it go on without me. More than 100 days have passed and God has brought much comfort and a huge slap of reality. I feel my age for the first time. Maybe even older.
In my Griefshare groups, I have felt sad when they talk of the things they have done "in memory" of their loved ones. Nothing seemed appropriate or tangible. Early on all I could think of was how I liked to go rake the leaves around his graveside. It is theraputic and allows me to feel like I am doing something for him. More recently, I have come up with a couple of things that I don't know that I could say are "in memory" of him, but have come out of how his death has changed me. The first is a monthly cookout at our house. This stems from the reality that we aren't promised tomorrow. We often say "Oh! We should get together soon!" Then we don't. This gives not only us a chance to visit with the people we love, but them to visit with eachother.

My Days Are Numbered 3-29-11

 

One of the biggest things I've had to overcome in Jeffrey's death is that there is nothing I could have done to prevent it. I struggle with thinking I should have known he was sick or that I should have woken up during the night just sensing something was wrong because I am his mother. I drive myself crazy with the how's and why's. I have to continually remind myself that it was just his time. God had his days numbered even as he was being formed in my womb.


 And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment
~ Hebrews 9:27
 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
 ~Ecclesiates 3:1-2
Remind me that my days are numbered.
~Psalm 39:4

Many people are shot and survive, then one dies. Many people go to sleep then wake up. Then one doesn't. Many people get in car wrecks and walk away. Then some don't. Many people become terminally ill, then some live. We praise God for the ones that lived though all odds were against them. Then we get angry at God when they die. Maybe it should be looked at not from my warped view of my one isolated event, but the big picture. If you take these collectively God is really showing off. He is screaming "Life and death are in my hands! I have shown that I could have saved him. It was his time." Either today is my day and I will be in heaven knowing the meaning of the verse "A good name is better than ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth" or it is not my day and Gods name be glorified that he has spared me and that I have more work to do here.
"Zig Ziglar says,"God knows the exact time that we will die. He knows when He's going to call us home. There's nothing you can do to extend your life span one tenth of a second." No death (or birth) is simply the result of circumstances, an accident or fate. This doesn't mean God wanted your loved one to die or is morally responsible for the death. It means the same God who loved you enough to die for you is in control. God's ways are too complex for us to understand." ~Your Journey From Mourning to Joy