Ashes to Ashes

I have been upset lately about the fact that the cemetery won't let us reserve a spot next to Jeffrey that we might be placed next to him. This led me to ask at the monument place last week if it was common to have bodies moved to a different location. He said it does happen. So this morning, I called the funeral home to find out if they had placed a vault around Jeffrey's casket. Jeff had told them not to, but somehow in my feeble mind, I just thought they would anyways. They didn't. This made me very distraught to think of him down there in a wooden box that will soon begin to deteriorate and one day will rot through and his little shell will be surrounded by dirt and bugs which will deteriorate his body as well. I know that this is the way God intended it. He first created man out of the dust of the earth and because of sin entered death, and to the dust we will return. "In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return."-- Genesis 3: 17-19 (KJV) From the time we are born, we are destined to go back to the ground we were created from. I know that this is just his earthly body and is not at all where he really is now, but my flesh just longs for something tangible. Something I can hold on to. Something I understand. So, I called the cemetery guy to just see if there couldn't be an exception made about saving the spot next to him, especially since I have seen several exceptions after walking around. But, he told me that was their policy and it had been every since he had been in charge. It seems cold, but I guess I can see the problem. Quickly, the whole cemetery could be reserved and people do move on and they would be left with empty reserved spots and no room for people who wanted to bury their loved ones there immediately. I guess it all is silly. The problem of wanting to be buried next to him is only something to fret about while I'm here. I will never know or care what they do with my body when I'm gone. I have the hope and assurance he is in heaven and when my spirit leaves this earth it won't matter what they do with the shell left behind, because I will already be there seeing his sweet face again. I know all of this, but it so hard to cling to something I don't remember seeing. I guess this is just where you have to really suck it all up and cling to faith alone. But a thought in your head is little comfort for an aching in your heart. God and Jesus definitely had the advantage here when they went through this situation. God knew His Son was not leaving Him but instead was coming home to be with Him. Jesus remembered God and heaven and had the assurance of going back there, which puzzles me as to why he would ask for this cup to pass from him. Was he clinging to this world since He was in the flesh, like our flesh does? Or was he just wishing for a simpler death? It seems as I am so intensely longing for heaven now without any recollection of it, how much more would he want to go remembering where he was going and trading this worlds sorrows for the glory of heaven. Yet another thing that I won't understand until heaven.

Update

Well, this is just to record where I feel like I am at right now. This week, I don't know if I can say whether better or worse, but very different. I feel like the chemical reactions that occur in the body to keep you from feeling the full force of things in the beginning are gone now and I am just stuck here trying to figure out what to do with the reality that is my life and trying to fight off depression. I know he is in a better place, I know Gods plans for me are better than ones I could write myself, I know I have three other beautiful children who need me and a wonderful husband, friends etc., but none of that seems to make this intense sadness go away. My emotions are pretty much sad, mad, or insane and I have to try to function like a normal person every day.  I try to recognize it all for what it is and try to do what I can to keep it at bay through diet, exercise and staying hydrated. I've also tried to get outside some to enjoy these warmer days. I also made myself a list of encouragements. Things I have found that help ease my mind, but I forget to remember.
* One minute at a time, don't try to think about a whole lifetime without Jeffrey, just get through now.
*There are people worse off than me~ your child being tortured or abused, kidnapped or murdered, war on the streets of your town filled with torment and starvation. Jeffrey is safe with Jesus and will never endure any of this worlds sorrows.
*As much as I long for Jeffrey, I would not really wish him back here in this world of suffering vs. the comforts of heaven.
*Things will get worse...but then they will get better.
*Trust God! He knew this would happen when he knit me together in my mothers womb and he fashioned me to be able to get through it. Likewise, He knew Shelby wouldn't grow up with a brother and He will provide for her. He will use this for His good and even though I don't like it, ultimately I do want His will.
*Even when I can't feel Him, He is here.
*Even when I feel alone, I'm not. I have a ton of people that love me and would be here in a second if I asked.
*I am a good mom. I am a good wife. I am a good friend. I am a terrible sinner, saved by grace.
*I am allowed to fail, as long as I get up and try again.
*Mourning is a natural process, it is okay to mourn in whatever way will be beneficial to me.
*Look for the small victories.
Maybe some of you can sing these back to me if you catch me down sometime.
I found a wiener dog today. He is black and tan and my husband is being supportive even though I know he hates having a dog in the house. At this point we are both up for anything that may even help a little bit.  I have spent some time at friend's houses the past couple of weeks who have inside dogs and it is so calming to pet them. So, I thought it may be therapeutic to have a puppy in the house and good company for Shelby. He seems to know his purpose already. He has spent the day playing with Shelby and sleeping on the rest of us. His previous owners had him inside so he took to us very quickly and had already worked on his potty training! Hopefully, I won't find myself regretting this decision. It also turns out the lady selling the dog has also lost a child and got her first dog as therapy while going through cancer treatments. I don't think that is a coincidence. 
In addition to these things, I've been reading several books and blogs. I've also checked into a grief support group in Fayetteville that meets once a month. I think I may try that next month.
Jeff went on his first sales run this week since Jeffrey has been gone. We both survived.
I went on Wednesday to pick out a headstone. I pretty much had what I wanted all figured out, but had to mesh it with what they could really do and he helped me figure out the back a little. It is going to be several months before it is done. They have to order the black granite from India which can take 90-120 days. There will be a picture of him in the  arch of the top front and then "Our Sweet Boy", his name and dates,and then "Each day we are One Day Closer to seeing you again" The back is going to have a song verse and an etching of him playing with Chuck the Truck. Anyways, I hope it turns out good. I tried to be very business like and not think of why I was really in that place while I was there so I could make it through. I was very blessed to have a friend there with me. That made a big difference! All my friends have really shown themselves these past weeks.

Just Get Over It!

There have been many who have in not so many words already told me that I should be past this and moving on. The words that come to mind are the words of Matthew 16:23. Also, the Lord tells us there is a time to mourn and gives no measurement for this time that I can find. I think it will be different for every person and in every circumstance. But, from other bereaved parents I have talked to and read about,although there will be a series of ups and downs, I expect it to be years before it is much better and the scars we will carry for a lifetime. You just are not supposed to outlive your children. It is not a natural occurrence and does not bring forth natural ramifications. Your body and your brain literally and medically go into overload trying to process what has happened. I am not simply trying to make excuses to wallow in my self pity. I do not desire to spend my life weeping, sick to my stomach, mourning the loss of my only boy child. This is a sore loss. One unlike any other. Take a look at these statistics. I found them to be startling and something to work against.

One year after a child's death:
At least one parent, usually the mother, has serious coping problems in the home or at work.
40% of parents have a drug or drinking problem.
48% of the siblings are having serious coping problems at school.
88% feel a family member to be abnormally consumed with morbid grief reactions.
25% report psychosomatic disorders such as ulcers, colitis, or hypertension.
Two years after a child's death:
50% of parents report serious health problems: cancer, stroke, heart problems, etc.
35% are under psychiatric care.
Professionals and statistics indicate almost 60% of couples are divorced, and up to 80% are within 6 years.
Though a newer study found that overall, 72% of parents who were married at the time of their child's death were still married to the same person. In 16% of the remaining couples, one spouse had died.

So I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and urge people to continue to pray for us that we will come out stronger and not a new statistic. And, for those who still just don't get it. I understand that it is just human nature. There are those who try to be sympathetic, but want to keep an emotionally safe distance, hoping they won't be "given our disease": and I can't honestly say this isn't the stance I would have taken. There are those who try to encourage us with scripture like 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 " Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." and I know these people mean well and just want to see us happy instead of grieving, but there will be no happiness now or ever if our cup of sorrow is not fully drained and this can only be done through our period of mourning. There are those who relate our loss to the loss of their parent or grandpa or friend. I know personally that all of these leave a great hole, but it just isn't the same as I think most mothers and fathers could imagine. Your children are your life...your future. And then, there are those who have embraced our grief as their own and faced it with us. Who have truly shared in our sorrow and made it at times lighter. I understand that all these people equally have our best interest at heart. Some just lack understanding in what we are going through. I think it would be most helpful for these people, if they truly want to help, to do a little prayer and research into how to help us to keep from causing more wounds. Maybe the following list from the book "Surviving the Loss of a Child" might help:

 ~Traditional ways may not be best for every family. Encourage family to do what will help their family cope.
~"This is normal," is a great comfort to hear when emotions feel out of control. Share with the bereaved what to expect, so that when the ful force of the emotions hit, those grieving will cling to the thought that they are normal-not going crazy , weak, or lacking faith.
~The bereaved want to know their loved one did not die in pain or alone.
~The bereaved want to hear that they loved and cared well for their child. They want to know he felt their love.
~Do not comment "There are things worse than death" "You are young, you can have another baby" "God will help something good to come out of this" "This will make you stronger"
~Reassure the bereaved that their loved one will live on in the hearts of all who knew him or her, with concrete examples of special characteristics or acts.
~Call or visit- don't wait for the grieving to call or invite you to help. Ask those grieving to join you to go to church, programs, etc.
~Reflect on the ways your life was touched by the deceased. Share these verbally or written.
~Don't hesitate to call-even months later to say, "I was thinking of you."
~Offer hope and encouragement.
~Be specific with questions, not using a general "How are you?" For example, "How are you sleeping?" "How are you doing at work?"
~Hug! Many grieving are touch needy.
~Have a duck's back. Friends and family are safety zones to let off the steam.
~Don't be overly sensitive about showing your emotions or talking about the deceased. Most of those who grieve are hurt more by silence and a seeming here today-gone tomorrow attitude toward the deceased. They ask,"Doesn't anyone really miss him?" "Didn't his life really matter?"
~Paint pictures of your faith. "I can picture John fishing with his Granddaddy." or "I'm sure he is playing soccer with lots of other children now."

I know that God will not leave us desolate and will put people who genuinely care and understand on one level or another in our lives and hopefully others who once didn't understand can learn that they may help others too. I would say to anyone reading this who has lost a child, mourn hard for as long as you need to and don't let anyone tell you it isn't right. And for anyone reading this and feeling a little angry or self-righteous now, I probably don't need your support. Please move on to your next charity case. And, for anyone reading this worrying that maybe you have failed us, you surely have not. It is that concern that makes you a true friend.

Glad Reunion Day

I have been struggling with wanting to go to heaven more to see Jeffrey than Jesus now. I feel like this is so wrong, but not something I have much control over. I feel like Jesus is where I've always known him to be and now with Jeffrey gone there too and being so fresh, I just long to go get one of his big hugs that would just knock you over and to feel his sweet chubby cheeks next to mine. I just know there will be flesh on our heavenly bodies because it feels so darn good to touch ours to someones we love. I know since God knew everything that would happen with Jeffrey, He also knew every thought that would enter my head and understands."The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18  I still long to feel the same longing I have to see Jeffrey for my Savior. He is the one who has made it possible for me to have a way to see Jeffrey again. Without Jesus and the cross there is no hope for me beyond death. Only because He lives do I have hope that Jeffrey lives today as well. I have been so surprised to find people who think the same things I do after experiencing the loss of a child. As I was reading one book in particular, "Life After the Death of My Son" by Dennis Apple, I just nodded my head yes as he described the thoughts that have run through my head.  I was so surprised this morning to find someone who felt the same way about being more excited about seeing his child in heaven. I think God put this song in Steven Curtis Chapman's mouth for me today and I think He knows both of our hearts.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE

Prayer?

As I sit here typing, I still find it hard to believe I am writing a blog about my son dying. This denial seems to be more frequent. Sometimes, I even pretend he is here sleeping, playing in the other room or outside with Daddy. I miss the numb days when it was so easy to push the pain away. That being said, I have had a much better day today than yesterday. I can usually tell as soon as I get out of bed in the morning what the day will be like. The fact that he is gone enters my head upon awakening, but it's the feeling I get along with it that tells me how the day will be. I always try to push the thoughts aside. What follows lets me know what I'm in for.  On the bad days, I get that gut twisting feeling and feelings of despair. That's how yesterday felt and no matter how hard I tried to push it all away, I just couldn't. On these days, I have no strength of any kind. Not to think, to clean, to care. Then other times, I will be able to start thinking about something else and ration out the amount of thoughts that come. That brings a day like today...manageable. I can carry out light tasks and have some brain power to think things through. And occasionally, I will wake up feeling like I am going to make it. These days, I can actually get up and accomplish something, be silly with Shelby and even help Jeff as it often seems these days will be the ones he is down. Everyone says it will get better. What most people don't tell you is it will get worse first. Now that the initial shock is gone and the chemical things that happen in your body to help you deal with that are gone, now that the brain has somewhat wrapped itself around what has happened and doesn't have me in complete zombie mode, now I am left to face reality on a very real level. It's not pretty. I still know that the same God who brought me to this place will bring me through, but I am having a harder time feeling Him here. I spend a lot of time reading my Bible, sometimes hours a day, but I have a very hard time praying. I don't even know what to ask for. Sometimes, I wonder if it matters. I think many of our prayers are very misguided. He knows everything that will happen in your life before you are even in the womb, so how effectual are our prayers? What is the purpose really? Where are the prayers where I prayed for Jeffrey to grow into a wonderful, hard working, God fearing man and be a good father and husband. What about the prayers where I prayed for God to prepare him a wife? Is there a little girl out there that will never find true love because he is gone? Were those all in vain? It seems that way. I guess even Jesus prayed an unanswered prayer  "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."  An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him.  And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. When he rose from prayer and went back to the disciples, he found them asleep, exhausted from sorrow.  "Why are you sleeping?" he asked them. "Get up and pray so that you will not fall into temptation." Luke 22: 42-46 Well, I guess that wasn't really unanswered. He did pray God's will be done. I guess it's really that even though I too wish my Father would take this cup from me, in humbleness and faith I want His will and if this is it, then God help me! Here I am! Send that angel back down, that I may be strengthened...that I may make it through this. "I look high to what I know. You're here. I'm never alone." ~Barlow Girl
I have prayed for other people some. I still have a hard time praying for people to be healed as I can't wrap my head around wanting to stay here any longer than you have to. Shelby continues to ask several times a day if Jesus is here yet. Sometimes this makes me feel so good, because it gives me hope that He really could come any minute and I know I am ready to go. If you are reading this and you aren't ready, please find a personal relationship with Him. If he has any mercy at all, He won't make us tarry much longer. I think the purpose of life is to choose Him and to point others in that direction. Nothing else matters.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day! Oh how I wish my little boy were here for me to love on! It's been a rough day from the start. I was determined to get up this morning and glorify God in everything I did. Unfortunately, I can only glorify Him in my sadness, my self-pity, my wallowing in bitterness and mourning. Can that be done? Idk! I tried to fight it, but I am so weak today. His strength is gone from me now. Lord please....as I start this prayer I look up and see "The joy of the Lord is your strength." Lord I do rejoice in You. I love you Lord and praise you for bringing me this far. I don't want to spend my days feeling downtrodden, cast down, unable to go on. I can't do it Lord on my own. I am too weak and have no desire. My chores have gotten away from me, my words come out bitter and angry no matter how they formed in my head. I think I need to tape my mouth shut and take to writing everything down so the words will come out more like I meant them to. And then if only I could tape up my mind and write down things for it to think. It's not even that my thoughts have been terribly sad today. I am just so....down? We haven't had any visitors in over a week. I don't even want any. If it weren't for Shelby, I may just lay in bed all day. It is good she is here. I was thinking earlier that I had never even considered the thought that Jeffrey could die. It has crossed my mind with all the girls through the years for one reason or another, but I don't think it ever did with him. I think I just thought that God had blessed us with a son after 14 years and he just being that gift from God, somehow he was invincible. I guess also the confidence of having 3 healthy girls at home, why would this be any different. I wish somehow my heart could have been prepared for this, that it wouldn't have taken such a terrible blow. Although I am glad that he did not suffer with illness. I don't think I ever...maybe once....took him to the doctor for a sick visit. Such a strong healthy boy! So handsome, so happy! ....So gone. How do you wrap your head around that?

Back to Church

Yesterday, I was excited for the first time about going to church.It had been such a dread, such a chore before and we had not even gone the last two weeks. We had good intentions of going when we got up, but quickly realized we just didn't have the strength to endure it. It is so hard. Sundays, for starters, mark the day of the week everything changed. Sunday, January 2, 2011 will be the worst day of my life no matter what I encounter the rest of my life! But, then to get up and ready ourselves missing a member of the family, missing putting Jeffrey's little khaki's and button up shirt on. So different after all the hundreds of dresses we have put on. Then having breakfast without him.... Well, honestly breakfast has become non-existent here. I still look in the corner missing his high chair, which I have finally quit reaching for. I miss making him his egg or apple cinnamon oatmeal on alternating mornings, occasionally adding some applesauce and rice cereal. I just can't do it, especially on school days when it would have been Shelby, Jeffrey and I. Shelby and I now just eat an early lunch in the living room and I just give her some chocolate milk and a granola bar in the morning to eat in front of the TV....Then to load everyone in the car with that silly empty seat where his car seat used to be and the somber 35 minute drive dreading what is to come. We go into the church where we said our good byes, pass the nursery where Jeffrey should go to play, face all the people that don't know what to say, see all the families without the huge hole ours has,, the little boys that Jeffrey should have grown up with. Then there's the songs, I still haven't found one that doesn't bring tears. So why do we go back. It's all we have to cling to. It's who we are. It's the legacy we want to leave for our family, and we are afraid that if we just take a break it will be too easy to not go back...and we do have these three other kids...So Saturday night we made a plan. We were going to go to church, to our church. We were going to go and do our best to make it all about Him and not sit there and feel sorry for ourselves and we actually woke up excited. I asked for prayers on FB and could actually feel them lifting us up. I am so thankful for all of our friends who truly pray on our behalf. And  while I still cried...a lot, it was more about worship and less about sadness. It was very healing to be there, to see it in a different way, to feel the love of God, of our pastor and his wife and our church family. God still knows what we need and when we need it. He never promised it would be easy, but He did promise He would carry us through. "This is what it is to be Held"~Thanks Michelle  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i-hJ87ApWtw