Jeffrey's Mommy...

I take pride in decorating the cemetery. It is all business when I go there. I just want to make sure nothing is out of place. But on occasion, my feelings get the better of me and I just suddenly feel dizzy and can't really figure out what I am doing there. Still that "this can't be happening to me" feeling. For the first time tonight as I passed and thought of the straw laid over the top and considered why I put that there. (I guess because I am a creature of habit. There is security in that. And, I put it there last winter to keep the mud off of the wreath. But then when I saw it there, it just seemed so sweet and fitting like a manger. One babe in the hay gone to be with another. ) But, then tonight, I thought (foolishly) of it keeping him warm which led to panic thinking of him down there crying for me, cold and scared. I guess a child in death does actually quit needing his mother. But a mother until death never quits needing to be needed. That's one of the hardest parts. I did so much for him and now I am just useless, yet I have all this Jeffrey's mommy part of me that is so confused and just wants to be busy doing something for him.

Blue Christmas

As, I get out old Christmas bags, the cards attached are made out to "Jeffrey" or "Little Jeff". I wish I could fill them up with stuff, anything, everything that any two year old boy might imagine fun. Probably boxes and tape. =)
I miss not shopping for him. It hurts when I take the time to see the little Jeffrey things out there. It hurts that there are only 3 "12 days of Christmas" boxes under the tree instead of 4. One missing stocking. One less smiling baby boy throwing ornaments, taking the pans out of the cupboard, unwrapping as fast as I wrapped, playing and making messes. =)

I wonder what he would be able to say and do this year. I wonder how different he would look. How different we all would look...

There just isn't a reason for everything.

Candle lighting

Last Sunday I attended a candle lighting service in honor of Jeffrey. It was awkward, unpleasant, uncomfortable, yet well put together and healing. They had a tree and some silver ornaments that each parent who lost a child could write their child's name on and hang it. They had some nice music and a speaker from hospice, who knew he was at a loss for any possible thing he could say to any one of us. They had a time for the parents to come up and light a candle in honor of their child and say a few words if they wanted. And then some cookies and coffee and a time to write a message on some balloons which we then released. It was nice to be able to feel like I was doing something to include him in the holidays. I've been so busy, which makes it easier to get through, but in that quiet time of reflection, I realized I wasn't quite as "okay" as I thought I was when I first walked in. But, I had just read this and found it very fitting for my take on the evening. "Each time you lift a weight, you actually create a tear in the muscle. When your body repairs that tear, it makes you stronger. Over time your endurance increases and you can lift more weight. God has made us emotionally in much the same way."~ Holly Gerth

Unforgiveness

Yesterday morning, I was in the shower thinking about my sour attitude and the way I treat others and trying to figure out what my deal was. I started thinking about the women's conference I went to last weekend and all of the great advice they gave on how to be a more successful, likable, better person and how while they has such great ideas, I just couldn't seem to take the time to apply them to my life. Then I was frustrated at myself for my lack of self control and effort to be better. I began to pray asking what in the world was wrong with me and seemed to be answered with a flood of all the things I have going on. All of the things I do accomplish or make an effort to do. I am my own worst enemy. I put all of these weights on myself and I can only carry so many before I start dropping some. So I felt a little relieved and thought I need to spend some time figuring out which ones are worth carrying and which ones I need to lay down. And didn' think much more about it. Until....
We got to church and the preaching started. The message? Unforgiveness. Not so much towards others but towards ourselves. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks! I am still carrying sooooo much unforgiveness towards myself for Jeffrey dying. I, as his mother, should have been able to protect him. I should have picked up on something being wrong. I should have woken up immediately when he stopped breathing and gone to him and been able to save him. I should have never even put him to bed. I shouldn't have fed him certain foods. I should have not given him medicine. I should have had enough faith to pray hard enough to bring him back, like in all those Bible stories, instead of just panicking when I found him. I shouldn't have committed whatever sin caused this to be my path in life. I know on some level all of this is just lies straight from the pits of hell. But, then there's that part of me that believes it all and I stuff it down real deep so others won't see it and I lug it around.
In Christ there is forgiveness for all sins. And if He can forgive me. Who am I to hold my forgiveness above His and not forgive myself. So, another thing to work on. Hopefully, if I can drop the unforgiveness, lack of understanding and compassion I have put on myself, I will be more likely to extend forgiveness and have more understanding and compassion towards others.

~Forever Broken?

Destiny

Healing. Hope. Laughter.
These are the things that define my life. Yes, I've experienced pain; but through it all, I have gained more than I have lost. I write so that when you see this is true for me, you can believe it will also be true for you.         ~ Heather Gemmen Wilson

If we let it, our pain will create our destiny. The past couple of months I have been in a pretty dismal state of mind and pain has definitely been ruling my life. I've been angry with God. I've been neglecting my Bible and still have a hard time with prayer. I've felt like God is a million miles away and I was angry that he would leave me so wounded and fragile. I knew I wasn't putting my part into the relationship, but still felt He owed it to me to not leave me. Entitlement. A funny thing. We are owed nothing. Especially not of God. Yet, sometimes all the knowledge in the world can't make the pain make sense and in our minds we can rationalize about anything we want to. Finally, as I've started pressing harder towards God, I've felt Him come closer to me. I don't pretend to understand the ups and downs of life. I have no idea why He would allow my son to die. There are those who say , he needed him in heaven. I say God doesn't need anything. He could have created an identical boy in heaven and let me keep mine. I read this morning the beginnings of the apostles experiences with Jesus. He performed many miracles. Several where he raised the dead. He obviously regards human life here on earth to have done this so many times as well as healing sick and casting out demons. If we are truly better off in heaven, why would he allow some to stay?

Destiny. Each one is fulfilled in it's allotted time.

There's a picture I've been admiring for a while now. I first saw it through a store window while sitting in my car. From where I was sitting it looked exactly like Jeffrey playing in the floor at Jesus' feet. I had to go in and look closer. The little boy in the picture was actually Jesus. He was playing in the shop floor with 3 nails as Joseph was building something at his work bench. It paints a beautiful story and is titled "Destiny".
It is much easier for me to see that Jesus was meant for the purpose of dying on the cross from the time of a child. I guess it's because we hear the stories of his birth, death and resurrection over and over through our lives. We know the whole story. It's harder to believe there is a purpose to the madness of losing my son and that I have been molded for this experience since I myself was a child, or even harder to believe is that his purpose was fulfilled in 17 short months.

But I have a choice, to let my pain define my destiny or to stay humble and broken and allow God to use my pain to shape my destiny. The first would not require much effort on my part, but there would never be anything for me but bitterness and heartache. I've seen this now. The latter requires constant surrender and realization that I can't take another breath without God. But, prayerfully out of all of this pain Destiny will be properly fulfilled and there will be some purpose to the senselessness. For those of us that are still here, we still have a purpose. We can be lazy and bitter and miss it or pick up our cross and head painfully up the hill.

"We will probably all have a 'thorn in the flesh' that we may have a very hard time accepting or long for God to remove. Yet His loving answer may be, No, I will not take it away from you. But if you release it to Me, I will trade your weakness, for My strength, your hurt for My hope, your defeat for My victory, your rain for My redemption." ~ Holly Gerth

Here's me releasing it to Him.....again

Worn out, exhausted, resentful, angry

I'm worn out, exhausted, resentful, angry. It takes so much energy to push down all my feelings so that I can function from day to day. I can't just go around being sad and feeling sorry for myself. What earthly good could that ever do. But sometimes it is more than I can do to keep it all down deep. I love all of my family and friends. I love sitting on the couch with Jeff and the girls all around me. That's probably my most peaceful moment for me. Things are almost perfect. But, how I desperately long to go on to heaven to sit on the couch with Jesus, Jeff, the girls AND Jeffrey! It is just sometimes unbearable and I wish He would come back for us all today. I couldn't bear to leave them behind to suffer anymore than they all have, but if today could just be the day that He steps out on that cloud and sounds the trumpet to call us all home. I haven't been so angry as I've been lately. I am just so furious that my life is so turned upside down. I hate that I have to live every day without a key member of my family. There are so many losses on so many levels stemming from just that one. It is so senseless, so sad, so gruesome, so maddening. I don't in any way think I am the only one suffering and I know that every person carries their cross, but seriously. Life is just spinning out of control. There is no rational left. Nothing makes sense. Everything is questionable. Where is my ground? My head is barely afloat. Only due to my life preserver which is Christ. Somedays, I just don't know whether to hold on or just let go. My desire to hold on is held together by the ones I love, my desire to let go by just the same. Oh, Jeffrey! How did it go so wrong?

Packing Away Clothes

I packed away Jeffrey's clothes today. I became nervous a couple of weeks ago about bugs getting into them and eating holes in them, so I have wanted to get a tupperware container for them. I wanted it to be clear so I could still open the closet and see them there. I went and got one this morning. It was actually harder than I thought it would be. No tears, but I got a little light headed and woozy as the memories flooded my mind. I tried to be all business, but I couldn't help but see him there filling out his Spongebob pj's, his little socks and of course his red Christmas sweater as I pulled them out of the drawers and then his overalls and button up shirts that had been hanging in the closet. I don't know if the lid to that box will ever be opened again. Maybe I will get them out from time to time to smell them and hold them against my face to feel him close. I thought I'd get rid of the diapers too, but for now they are just going to have to wait. I don't know why there is a crazy part of me that thinks if I hold on hard enough he will come back.