Dreams

I dreamed about Jeffrey last night. This is only the third or fourth time he has met me there. In my dream, I had just been out of town for a week and came to pick him up from the church nursery. (There is still that part of me that keeps waiting for it all to be a mistake.) He smiled when he saw me, but didn't really seem to know who I was. I picked him up and kissed his chubby little cheeks over and over and over. It was so real and so nice to feel his soft baby skin net to mine. I wonder if he has that soft baby skin in heaven. And I wonder almost daily if he will know me as his mother when I see him again. I know heaven is all about Jesus, the one who died to give me a way to get there, but surely he understands my longing for my little boy. Still, I feel guilty sometimes that my priorities seem to be messed up.



Heaven is the face of a little boy
With big blue eyes
Heaven is the place
Where he calls my name
Says, "Mommy, please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now

Heaven is the sound of him breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of him in my arms
Being there to keep him safe from harm while he dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with him gone
Heaven is the place where he takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little boy

~ Excerpted and altered from Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Forever wounded

I'm so worn down and drained from having this weight constantly looming over me. I just want to be a whole happy family again. Isn't the normal wear and tear of life enough without having to lose something so dear to my heart? Why does every decision I make have to be affected by this handicap I now have and whether or not it will worsen the wound. Oh, what I wouldn't do to have Jeffrey back, to have life right again. I can imagine what it is for a person to lose an arm or leg and have to learn to carry out daily tasks with it missing. I can imagine the pain, frustration, and anger that would invoke bursts of yelling. A very vital piece of my own self is gone, one there is no substitute for. That which does not kill you may make you stronger, but it will never make you whole again. I love you, Weffrey. I can't wait to hold you again. I wonder if it will be the same.

Still fuming

So, Jeff and I went to a funeral this week for the first time since Jeffrey died. Jeff learned the importance of attending funerals through losing Jeffrey. I had learned a few years earlier when my mom died. I was nervous to attend, but wanted to be supportive since he had asked me to go with him. I did not know the deceased person at all which took some pressure off. Still, I wasn't sure what emotions would be stirred up. The answer is bitterness. I became fiercely bitter again about how Jeffrey's funeral went. The funeral we attended painted a beautiful picture of a man who lived nearly 80 years. Leaving the funeral, I felt I almost knew him. Three different preachers each gave a eulogy. Each one was different and either personal or well researched. I helped plan my mother's and my grandfather's funerals and remember the preacher coming to my grandmother's after each death and asking her personal things about them so that he could incorporate them into the sermon. This was not done for Jeffrey. I know he didn't have 80 years of stories to repeat, but he was a real, live loved human being! There was plenty of room to paint a lovely picture of him so that people who didn't have the chance to know him could have left feeling as if they had in a way met him that day. The order of services was not even discussed with us! In my mind it was supposed to go video, eulogy(which I wish I would have written), video, sermon, video. Instead the service was rushed through in a nervous manner as if everyone had to be out of church at a certain time to take some life saving medicine.  I am also still fuming about the 3 slide shows that were to be played. Not a one of them was shown. I spent countless hours trying to plan what would be my chance to say good bye and nothing went as I pictured. I asked the preacher the day before if I should come to the church to make sure they would work and I was told if they were on DVDs they would work. I don't know whether their system was not compatible or the person working didn't know what they were doing but I was indignant! I felt I was cheated out of giving my son a proper farewell, a final party to somehow compensate for the many celebrations I will never share with him. Also, I asked for blue and white flowers with brown ribbon and was upset by the addition of yellow which I did not care for. I will say the funeral home person who took care of us (after we were thankfully switched to a different person) was a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate man for whom I am thankful. I am also thankful for the many friends and family who helped plan for the catastrophe. The lesson to be learned here is even if you think you will not have to plan a funeral for years to come, it is a good idea to take some time to think about how you would like it to go (flowers, music, preacher,venue,etc.), observe what you like and don't like at funerals you attend,  make some notes (because you will not remember in your time of grief), and make sure to boldly tell people exactly what you want, because contrary to what you think, they are not looking out for what matters to you!

Wounded dog syndrom

Last Sunday we went to Jeff's grandparents house for the first time since Christmas. I worked and prayed for weeks going into it that I would be able to face his family with grace and dignity. In the end, I was scared to death. What I was not prepared for at all was walking into the house for the first time without Jeffrey. As I entered the living room, I instantly saw him climbing up the stairs and running around the living room in his little red Christmas sweater. It was all I could do to keep from falling apart. I certainly didn't want to cry in front of everyone. The rest of the day I felt like a wounded dog, trying to stay to myself and just waiting for someone to get too close so I could snap at them. I've felt that way a lot lately. I experienced it again today as we went to my Mema's. As we've talked on the phone about the visit for weeks, each time she has said,  "It has been forever since I've seen y'all." Innocent enough, right? But it brings on my growl. What I hear is "you haven't visited me since Jeffrey died." It's like a stab in the heart. I know she doesn't at all mean it that way, but it's hurtful. Thankfully I heard that for the last time today shortly after we arrived at her house. She soon mentioned how quiet we all were. I don't thing it was on purpose, but it is hard for all of us to experience the "firsts". Even now, nearly six months later, the firsts still cut like the initial loss. With each one, it's like a huge neon sign flashes his name along with a slide show of memories. I know the memories should be thought of as happy, but they can also be haunting.
Another first this week was going to the dollar movies with the girls. The night he died, we had all six gone to see "True Grit". I never gave it a thought until we were about halfway there and the panic struck. I started thinking of other things we could go do for fun instead, but decided to "put on my big girl panties" and go. I made them sit low in the theater (we sat high that night) and I got through it easier than I thought I would. It all just sucks so badly. I just want him back! I find myself yelling out loud at times when the reality hits hard, often towards the end of the hallway after passing all of his pictures and nearing his room. Sometimes, I feel as if I'm going crazy. Often, I erupt in anger just like the wounded dog being poked at or spectated.
Seeing people that haven't been here through this process is like meeting strangers. They are the same, only awkward not knowing what to say or do, but I am forever changed. Jeff and i used to joke about how we were the only "normal" people. I could certainly never use the word normal to describe myself again. Some of the changed in myself have been good but many have just left me wounded. Some may say we have lost a child and survived. I would say we will spend the rest of our lives surviving. I am so thankful for my support group of friends and family that have been here from the beginning and some added along the way. It is so comforting to come back home to them and know that they are available anytime I need them. They are comfortable talking about Jeffrey, but also can treat me like a normal person. I love you guys! I couldn't ever thank you enough!

Mother's Day 2011

 Well, I wasn't sure how today would be. I had prepared myself and thought I was gonna lick it, but it was a rough day! Especially starting out. Jeff left at 8:30 this morning to go to Las Vegas for 5 days. I fought back the tears until I got a text from him just saying how he loved me and missed me when we were on the way to church. Emily read it to me and I just started bawling and didn't stop until about half way through the preaching.

We aren't really close to anyone at our church but one dear lady did notice me crying and Jeff not there and sat with me. Another lady came and asked if she could pray with me, so several ladies prayed over me at the altar. It was nice.. and a bit weird. I was thankful. It was the first time anyone has offered to pray with us since Jeffrey has died, although I know they have been praying for us individually. But, I hate to be the center of attention and I hate for people to think I am just sitting around having a pity party for myself. I don't sit around thinking sad things or feeling sorry for myself, but the past few weeks I have had a new surge of emotion. Usually, nothing will even be going through my head or I could even be listening to something happy and I just start bawling. It disturbs me more because I have never been a crier!  I guess it is just all part of it.

 Then I felt guilty about being so distraught because I do have 3 beautiful reasons to celebrate Mother's Day still here with me. Ashley especially tried so hard to make it a good day for me. Bless their hearts! They just didn't know what to do with me crying and I just couldn't get ahold of myself. Here Jeff's gone and I'm supposed to be taking care of them and they are having to take care of me instead! Just when I think I'm doing so good. I just have to remember the truth is I can't handle this at all! I have to just rest in His arms a little longer and wait to be delivered from this mess! I will say although I have still been reading my Bible daily, I haven't been reading as long and I think that has made a difference!

The day did get better after I finally drained my tear bucket. We ran a couple of errands (one to exchange pants for Jeff which didn't help me missin him any!) and came home and watched a movie on Netflix while we ate lunch. Then Shelby and I shoveled some dirt in some trash bags and took it to the cemetery with our rakes and shovels and grass seed to try to make Jeffrey's spot look nicer. Not much of anything will grow in that silly red clay! As I was digging some of it out to replace with dirt, I imagined the cops showing up after someone calling to report me out there digging him up! I'm happy to say the people that go to church down there on Sunday nights and the neighbors are good at minding their own business. =) It looks nicer just with real dirt instead of the clay and hopefully the grass seed will come up. We came home and gave Emily a haircut, Ashley and Emily helped me clean Shelby's room, and after I got her to bed, I helped the big girls clean their room.

So now at the end of the day, I can say it has been very profitable and also that I hope tears don't come in like breast milk with supply and demand because I'm looking for a tear free day tomorrow!

It's been a rough couple of weeks. I have found myself right back in the midst of being weepy and having angry outbursts. I can't even say where they have come from. I can't even verbalize any negative thoughts going on that would cause these feelings. They are just there. =P I feel like I'm walking around with my heart in my stomach. Just when I thought I could manage going on without him, I've had to revert back to taking it one day, or moment at a time. 

Questions

~Steven Curtis Chapman

Who are You God
For You are turning out to be
So much different than I imagined

And where are you God
Cuz I am finding life to be
So much harder than I had planned

Know that I am afraid
To ask these questions
But You know they are there

And if you know my heart
The way that I believe you do
You know that I believe in You
Still I have these questions

Like How could you God
How could You be so good and strong
And make a world that can be so painful

And where were you God
I know you had to be right there
I know you never turn your head

You know that I'm confused
By all this mystery
You know I get afraid
But if you know my heart
As completely as I trust you do
Oh you know that I trust in you

Is it true
that for every tear I cry
You cry a thousand more
Cuz you weep for those that weep

And are you, just holding yourself back
From crushing all the pain and evil in this world
For reasons we just cant understand for now
But isn't there a day of redemption coming
Ohhh
Redemption is coming
Ohhh

Quickly Lord, come quickly
Lord, come quickly
Ohhh Ohhh

So who am I God
That you would raise me from the dust
To breathe your life and your love in me
You know that I believe

I love him...and HIM! Jesus and Jeffrey, together forever. =)

Unplanned holes

On my way home today, I was thinking of what all I needed to do once I arrived. I was thankful that the washing machine was broken, since that means no laundry. : ) What I hadn't planned was running over the dog coming up the driveway. I saw him coming and thought he would surely move. He surely didn't. I heard a yelp, looked in my rearview mirror and saw him twitching a bit. Thankfully in less that a minute, he was still and out of his misery. I got that sick feeling in my stomach similar to how I feel when I get pulled over. My immediate fear was for Shelby and how to get her in the house without her seeing him. She has already spotted him and Jake running towards us as we pulled in. Thankfully again, she was distracted with getting her stuffed animal and book and I chattered to divert her attention until we could get inside. I sat her down in front of the TV with some juice, grabbed a couple of Wal-Mart bags and went out to dig a hole. In the past, I would have gotten quite upset. Today, I was a little sad, but put in perspective, it doesn't seem like a big deal. I guess, I have been hardened. I would happily  trade all the dogs I've ever owned or ever will, for just one more day with Jeffrey! I will miss that Oliver seemed to know when I was upset and would come sit with me. He was a good lap dog and Shelby did love to play with him. I do dread to break the news to the girls after school today. Hopefully they will share at least a bit of my apathy.