Happy Birthday!

Dear Jeffrey,

Happy Birthday! I remember the day you were born pretty clearly. I remember everyone looking at first to make sure you were really a boy after 3 girls. How happy and proud we were of you! Watching you grow was fun. I always thought boys and girls would be essentially the same until they were 2 or 3, but you surprised me from the beginning with you manly qualities. I remember for your first pictures at 6 weeks the photographer saying how manly you looked to be so young. You would have driven the ladies wild!  Before you could speak, you could make truck sounds as you played. You would dutifully push Shelby around in her stroller like such a gentleman and brother. I remember your face as you learned to defend yourself against Shelby and how you would look to me sternly to see if I would back you up. And then there comes a void. A lapse in time. And I wonder who you would be today. I wonder what words you would say, maybe even sentences. Would you be stubborn about potty training or would you love to pee off the porch? Would you love to play with the other boys your age? Would you be gentle with them? Or would you be a bully? Maybe a little of both. I had always wanted you to be a Momma's boy. Although, I looked forward to watching you bond with your dad and learn to carry on the legacy he had to leave you. I looked forward (with some apprehension) to you playing football or what ever other sports you liked. I wondered if you would be big for your age or small. You seemed to have a good head start to being big. You were such a perfect healthy boy. So sweet. So funny. I miss you so much. We all do. I miss that you aren't here to grow with Shelby. She is so lonesome without you. We all are. I often still try to make her be quiet in the mornings so she won't wake you or wonder around thinking I have another kid to dress, feed, bathe, or otherwise attend to. I don't think I will ever get used to you being gone. I know you are safe and secure in Jesus' arms. I love to think of the day I get to join you. The thought of seeing Jesus waiting for me at the gate with you in his arms makes me cry with joy every time. I can't wait for that day! I love you Jeffrey! So much! I would love so much to hold you in my arms just one more time. I know it wouldn't be enough though. It would never be enough. Don't worry, by the time you turn around to see where I am, I will be there too! You will never even miss me. I will be there soon. Sending BIG hugs and kisses. Goodnight handsome!

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

I've struggled more lately with Why's than ever before. It makes no sense when I see and hear of children being severely neglected and abused, yet their parents get to keep them...then there's Jeffrey, torn away from a home where he was so loved and cherished. A beautiful friend shared a profound A W Tozer quote with me the other day as I was struggling. "When I understand that everything happening to me is to make me more Christlike, it solves a great deal of anxiety." It helped jerk me back to the only thing that makes sense. I think my recent struggles have been because I've lost sight of this great truth that I so desperately clung to in the beginning. It doesn't make the pain less, but it truly relieves the anxiety, the wondering, the Why's. And that is, it still doesn't matter why! God is sovereign! He is the great I Am! He is God! I have such limited knowledge here, I just can't see the big picture. But, I know I trust God. So, I must just sit and wait and endure. Fair? NO! Solomon who was the wisest man in the Bible counts everything as foolishness. Basically saying, life is not fair. There is no seeming rythym or sense to it at all.  "I observed everything going on under the sun, and really, it is all meaningless--like chasing the wind. What is wrong cannot be made right. What is missing cannot be recovered." Ecclesiastes 1:14-15(written by Solomon) Certainly for me, what is missing cannot be recovered. I'm just stinkin' broken! Hopefully Solomon was also right when he said " Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." Ecclesiates 7:3 How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time. Atleast I should not go hungry in my lifetime. I have received the largest of elephants to feast on from here on out. In the end, I have to "Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked?" Ecclesiastes 7:13 Truly a wise man, that Solomon.

Dreams

I dreamed about Jeffrey last night. This is only the third or fourth time he has met me there. In my dream, I had just been out of town for a week and came to pick him up from the church nursery. (There is still that part of me that keeps waiting for it all to be a mistake.) He smiled when he saw me, but didn't really seem to know who I was. I picked him up and kissed his chubby little cheeks over and over and over. It was so real and so nice to feel his soft baby skin net to mine. I wonder if he has that soft baby skin in heaven. And I wonder almost daily if he will know me as his mother when I see him again. I know heaven is all about Jesus, the one who died to give me a way to get there, but surely he understands my longing for my little boy. Still, I feel guilty sometimes that my priorities seem to be messed up.



Heaven is the face of a little boy
With big blue eyes
Heaven is the place
Where he calls my name
Says, "Mommy, please come play with me for awhile"

God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm aching for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door
So right now

Heaven is the sound of him breathing deep
Lying on my chest, falling fast asleep while I sing
And Heaven is the weight of him in my arms
Being there to keep him safe from harm while he dreams

And God, I know, it's all of this and so much more
But God, You know, that this is what I'm longing for
God, you know, I just can't see beyond the door

Heaven is a sweet, maple syrup kiss
And a thousand other little things I miss with him gone
Heaven is the place where he takes my hand
And leads me to You
And we both run into Your arms

Oh God, I know, it's so much more than I can dream
It's far beyond anything I can conceive
So God, You know, I'm trusting You until I see
Heaven in the face of my little boy

~ Excerpted and altered from Heaven is the Face by Steven Curtis Chapman

Forever wounded

I'm so worn down and drained from having this weight constantly looming over me. I just want to be a whole happy family again. Isn't the normal wear and tear of life enough without having to lose something so dear to my heart? Why does every decision I make have to be affected by this handicap I now have and whether or not it will worsen the wound. Oh, what I wouldn't do to have Jeffrey back, to have life right again. I can imagine what it is for a person to lose an arm or leg and have to learn to carry out daily tasks with it missing. I can imagine the pain, frustration, and anger that would invoke bursts of yelling. A very vital piece of my own self is gone, one there is no substitute for. That which does not kill you may make you stronger, but it will never make you whole again. I love you, Weffrey. I can't wait to hold you again. I wonder if it will be the same.

Still fuming

So, Jeff and I went to a funeral this week for the first time since Jeffrey died. Jeff learned the importance of attending funerals through losing Jeffrey. I had learned a few years earlier when my mom died. I was nervous to attend, but wanted to be supportive since he had asked me to go with him. I did not know the deceased person at all which took some pressure off. Still, I wasn't sure what emotions would be stirred up. The answer is bitterness. I became fiercely bitter again about how Jeffrey's funeral went. The funeral we attended painted a beautiful picture of a man who lived nearly 80 years. Leaving the funeral, I felt I almost knew him. Three different preachers each gave a eulogy. Each one was different and either personal or well researched. I helped plan my mother's and my grandfather's funerals and remember the preacher coming to my grandmother's after each death and asking her personal things about them so that he could incorporate them into the sermon. This was not done for Jeffrey. I know he didn't have 80 years of stories to repeat, but he was a real, live loved human being! There was plenty of room to paint a lovely picture of him so that people who didn't have the chance to know him could have left feeling as if they had in a way met him that day. The order of services was not even discussed with us! In my mind it was supposed to go video, eulogy(which I wish I would have written), video, sermon, video. Instead the service was rushed through in a nervous manner as if everyone had to be out of church at a certain time to take some life saving medicine.  I am also still fuming about the 3 slide shows that were to be played. Not a one of them was shown. I spent countless hours trying to plan what would be my chance to say good bye and nothing went as I pictured. I asked the preacher the day before if I should come to the church to make sure they would work and I was told if they were on DVDs they would work. I don't know whether their system was not compatible or the person working didn't know what they were doing but I was indignant! I felt I was cheated out of giving my son a proper farewell, a final party to somehow compensate for the many celebrations I will never share with him. Also, I asked for blue and white flowers with brown ribbon and was upset by the addition of yellow which I did not care for. I will say the funeral home person who took care of us (after we were thankfully switched to a different person) was a wonderful, kind, caring and compassionate man for whom I am thankful. I am also thankful for the many friends and family who helped plan for the catastrophe. The lesson to be learned here is even if you think you will not have to plan a funeral for years to come, it is a good idea to take some time to think about how you would like it to go (flowers, music, preacher,venue,etc.), observe what you like and don't like at funerals you attend,  make some notes (because you will not remember in your time of grief), and make sure to boldly tell people exactly what you want, because contrary to what you think, they are not looking out for what matters to you!