Yesterday morning, I was in the shower thinking about my sour attitude and the way I treat others and trying to figure out what my deal was. I started thinking about the women's conference I went to last weekend and all of the great advice they gave on how to be a more successful, likable, better person and how while they has such great ideas, I just couldn't seem to take the time to apply them to my life. Then I was frustrated at myself for my lack of self control and effort to be better. I began to pray asking what in the world was wrong with me and seemed to be answered with a flood of all the things I have going on. All of the things I do accomplish or make an effort to do. I am my own worst enemy. I put all of these weights on myself and I can only carry so many before I start dropping some. So I felt a little relieved and thought I need to spend some time figuring out which ones are worth carrying and which ones I need to lay down. And didn' think much more about it. Until....
We got to church and the preaching started. The message? Unforgiveness. Not so much towards others but towards ourselves. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks! I am still carrying sooooo much unforgiveness towards myself for Jeffrey dying. I, as his mother, should have been able to protect him. I should have picked up on something being wrong. I should have woken up immediately when he stopped breathing and gone to him and been able to save him. I should have never even put him to bed. I shouldn't have fed him certain foods. I should have not given him medicine. I should have had enough faith to pray hard enough to bring him back, like in all those Bible stories, instead of just panicking when I found him. I shouldn't have committed whatever sin caused this to be my path in life. I know on some level all of this is just lies straight from the pits of hell. But, then there's that part of me that believes it all and I stuff it down real deep so others won't see it and I lug it around.
In Christ there is forgiveness for all sins. And if He can forgive me. Who am I to hold my forgiveness above His and not forgive myself. So, another thing to work on. Hopefully, if I can drop the unforgiveness, lack of understanding and compassion I have put on myself, I will be more likely to extend forgiveness and have more understanding and compassion towards others.
~Forever Broken?
