These are the things that define my life. Yes, I've experienced pain; but through it all, I have gained more than I have lost. I write so that when you see this is true for me, you can believe it will also be true for you. ~ Heather Gemmen Wilson
If we let it, our pain will create our destiny. The past couple of months I have been in a pretty dismal state of mind and pain has definitely been ruling my life. I've been angry with God. I've been neglecting my Bible and still have a hard time with prayer. I've felt like God is a million miles away and I was angry that he would leave me so wounded and fragile. I knew I wasn't putting my part into the relationship, but still felt He owed it to me to not leave me. Entitlement. A funny thing. We are owed nothing. Especially not of God. Yet, sometimes all the knowledge in the world can't make the pain make sense and in our minds we can rationalize about anything we want to. Finally, as I've started pressing harder towards God, I've felt Him come closer to me. I don't pretend to understand the ups and downs of life. I have no idea why He would allow my son to die. There are those who say , he needed him in heaven. I say God doesn't need anything. He could have created an identical boy in heaven and let me keep mine. I read this morning the beginnings of the apostles experiences with Jesus. He performed many miracles. Several where he raised the dead. He obviously regards human life here on earth to have done this so many times as well as healing sick and casting out demons. If we are truly better off in heaven, why would he allow some to stay?
Destiny. Each one is fulfilled in it's allotted time.
There's a picture I've been admiring for a while now. I first saw it through a store window while sitting in my car. From where I was sitting it looked exactly like Jeffrey playing in the floor at Jesus' feet. I had to go in and look closer. The little boy in the picture was actually Jesus. He was playing in the shop floor with 3 nails as Joseph was building something at his work bench. It paints a beautiful story and is titled "Destiny".
It is much easier for me to see that Jesus was meant for the purpose of dying on the cross from the time of a child. I guess it's because we hear the stories of his birth, death and resurrection over and over through our lives. We know the whole story. It's harder to believe there is a purpose to the madness of losing my son and that I have been molded for this experience since I myself was a child, or even harder to believe is that his purpose was fulfilled in 17 short months.
But I have a choice, to let my pain define my destiny or to stay humble and broken and allow God to use my pain to shape my destiny. The first would not require much effort on my part, but there would never be anything for me but bitterness and heartache. I've seen this now. The latter requires constant surrender and realization that I can't take another breath without God. But, prayerfully out of all of this pain Destiny will be properly fulfilled and there will be some purpose to the senselessness. For those of us that are still here, we still have a purpose. We can be lazy and bitter and miss it or pick up our cross and head painfully up the hill.
"We will probably all have a 'thorn in the flesh' that we may have a very hard time accepting or long for God to remove. Yet His loving answer may be, No, I will not take it away from you. But if you release it to Me, I will trade your weakness, for My strength, your hurt for My hope, your defeat for My victory, your rain for My redemption." ~ Holly Gerth
Here's me releasing it to Him.....again
