Worn out, exhausted, resentful, angry

I'm worn out, exhausted, resentful, angry. It takes so much energy to push down all my feelings so that I can function from day to day. I can't just go around being sad and feeling sorry for myself. What earthly good could that ever do. But sometimes it is more than I can do to keep it all down deep. I love all of my family and friends. I love sitting on the couch with Jeff and the girls all around me. That's probably my most peaceful moment for me. Things are almost perfect. But, how I desperately long to go on to heaven to sit on the couch with Jesus, Jeff, the girls AND Jeffrey! It is just sometimes unbearable and I wish He would come back for us all today. I couldn't bear to leave them behind to suffer anymore than they all have, but if today could just be the day that He steps out on that cloud and sounds the trumpet to call us all home. I haven't been so angry as I've been lately. I am just so furious that my life is so turned upside down. I hate that I have to live every day without a key member of my family. There are so many losses on so many levels stemming from just that one. It is so senseless, so sad, so gruesome, so maddening. I don't in any way think I am the only one suffering and I know that every person carries their cross, but seriously. Life is just spinning out of control. There is no rational left. Nothing makes sense. Everything is questionable. Where is my ground? My head is barely afloat. Only due to my life preserver which is Christ. Somedays, I just don't know whether to hold on or just let go. My desire to hold on is held together by the ones I love, my desire to let go by just the same. Oh, Jeffrey! How did it go so wrong?